It’s funny, as I walked home by myself of course I start to talk. I rant off about my thoughts, perspectives and future plans in my life that I hope to achieve. I started thinking, if I could have a job, maybe I’d manage a morgue, or drive a hearse. Most people have a common fascination with dark and death and weird things like that, it just sparks our curiosity. Most people tend to fear death upon themselves, I simply accept it as part of life and it’s cycle.
Ironic though, I fear death touching upon my loved ones. I think sometimes that is why I fear, and I get so scared to dedicate myself to someone, having that future. I think of the future, and beyond, growing old, becoming accustomed to their company everyday and them being there for me, and suddenly they are just gone and I can never get them back. I have to selfishly live on what I have left in life. I cannot deal with losing people. Sometimes I want to end everything, cut off all connections with humanity and my relationships with others so I wouldn’t have that feeling of loss. I almost lost my sister once, and losing her again would be heart breaking. Losing any of my friends, I could not imagine what my life would be like, and losing that someone I love,it would feel as if part of me died as well. I don’t have that many close friends and maybe that is why, or maybe I just don’t need that many. Or maybe because I am twisted enough to think, if I stay in contact with them in the future, and one day my phone rings saying one of them passed. I can not deal with death like that. Yet somehow I am willing to accept my own?
I am scared of many things, I admit that, but its not like spiders and clowns and ghost stories and such, solid things, things I can touch, see, hear, taste. That doesn’t scare me. I am afraid of what I cannot control, what my mind sees that I wish not to, the things it thinks of when I try to ignore.
Suddenly, tears start to stream down my face and slowly sink into my pillow. I am scared, I am fucking terrified. Never felt this before and it’s going to drive me to the brink of insanity. I do have fears, don’t we all?
After all, fear is what keeps us living, it lets us know that we are human, that we are alive.