I think my main reason why I am dying to go back to Mexico is because as time goes on, I just feel like I am slowly losing my family. People passing away, and it pains me knowing that I could have gotten to know them better, and love them better. I could have been there more often. These few years I have come close to losing to many people in that way, and I understand it is a part of life, but there is just so much regret and repent. I just can’t seem to get the few moments I had spent with my grandparents, the day I went over to my cousins house. These little memories that linger on my mind.
When my parents leave to catch a flight, and it is always around the cold months. Last year I spent New Years without my dad, and I lost my grandfather, I am only praying that this year it won’t have to be Christmas,
I love it here, but I also love my family, and the fact that I only had the chance to see them so few times, for only a month or two, it bothers me. I miss everything, my cousins growing up, the new babies and the parties. And it does bother me, because there isn’t anything I can do but just smile, comment, like a photo here and there, facebook and skype. And that is as close as I will get. I can never seem to get things out of my head, I can’t come to the reality that one day they are there, and the next, its like they are just gone and they stay gone, you won’t peek your head through the next day in their room and expect them to be there.
I am so scared to spend my life with someone, for that reason. I am so scared of death, not of me, but for my loved ones. Knowing that someday they won’t be there next to me, knowing that one day I will have to say goodbye to my dog, my parents, my sister, my partner.
It’s so morbid and twisted, me an 18 year old girl sorting her thoughts about loss. Who the hell does this?
Maybe it is normal, it is what everyone thinks about at some point, although I am just more open to talk about it, to expose it, show awareness, I don’t hide it away.
Although really, who does this kind of shit?
I suppose I do, when its those late nights, when you just are sick and tired of receiving those late night calls, bearing nothing but bad news.