Do you ever just crave something? Not want, because if it was wanting then there is more ambition to obtain it, but just crave, something that sits on your mind in the back of your head and lingers on for a while. Not the crave of food, or going to a familiar place, but a crave within yourself.
Lately there has been a sense of nostalgia inside me, I am not happy, yet I am not sad. It seems to stir in the middle of things, and I do not know how to care for this feeling. My thoughts trail into simple human needs, to feel craved, to feel wanted, to be given some form of attention, and yet I want nothing more but to be left alone, I want to sit in a corner and watch life happen before me in this neutral expression, and I can’t help but to feel so out of place, like I know my body is there, but I am not.
I realized how empty I was feeling while I sat aside from being social today, I sat and watched, the life happen before me, the slow intoxication of liquor fill my friends, the flirty talks and dancing, and all I wanted was to just be in a bubble, to sit in the corner and just stare, and all I wanted was for someone to just come up to me and say “hey wanna talk about something”
Perhaps silly conversations about partying and drinking bore me, the consumption of forgetting yourself for a few hours seems low, yet lately its all that has been tempting me, fully aware that it cannot always be used as an escape.
This isn’t a crave for sex, or flirty attention, no what I crave is something deeper, something honest and soul worthy, something with a real connection. I find myself being an envious person during my observations, watching people connect is so beautiful it makes me wonder if I ever even had that with anyone. Publicly displaying their open souls, knowing that the room is full, yet to them its only them. I admire people who can connect without the care of the judgements around them, without caring about anything or any labels, but you see the happiness on their faces, and you can tell that there is no emptiness inside them, in that very moment they just connect, I suppose that is what bothers me, it angers me, I am trying to figure out how to fill this missing void inside me, where to find this form of happiness without having it backfire in my face, my past is enough to have taught me not to go down certain paths.
Yet my mind keeps contradicting itself, I want connection, yet I want to be alone.
And then I remember how angry I feel
How damaged I became.
How empty I am inside.
How broken I am, with what I am trying to heal.
How tired my body and soul is.
How numb the world looks to me now.
And I think, why would anyone even try to connect with someone as fucked up as I am right now?
It is human nature to want to connect to something, or to someone, to feel recognized and appreciated. Nobody likes the idea of temporary when they find something so great in their lives. Perhaps what I am craving is a connection where I can be me, a fully open human being, I am craving for someone to just listen, and yet I have the hardest time finding the trust to place in people. Everything sets me on edge, and I find it driving me insane.
How do you connect with someone that cannot open up, yet wants to open up?