I was told a few months ago that I needed to do some inner soul searching, I lost a dear friend, not in death but in connection, and I really felt it, It spun me into this abyss of unknown. I was lost for so long and used so many things as escapes to help me escape, not sure if escape by try to gain that persons attention, not sure if it was aimed at X or my parents. Things just went south, in life for me everything went wrong, romance, home life, education, I was lost, I was hitting rock bottom, and while at work I played it off like I was happy and I was the best person I could be, I was great at wearing the masks I wore.
I drove my X away, with my crazy antics I know i drove him away, of course he blamed me for things that wasn’t true but I couldn’t help being a child about things, I was crazy, I acted in ways that wasn’t okay, I realized that when it had hit me that there was nothing I could do to fix anything that had happened between us, I simply had to accept it as part of life. So with that I wrote him a letter, letting him know that I will always love him and I can never hate him, no matter what damage was caused, I could never hate him for anything.
This summer for me was about soul searching and growing up, I got involved with someone from my job that I trusted in ways, ended up sour, but I decided instead of being that crazy bitch I usually turned out to be, just let things go, accept it for what it was and make the amends, its not worth holding on to horrible energy, it is not good for the soul.
I realized that, to my X, I finally understood, it does take so much energy to hate, and to place all this negativity on someone, and for what?
The only one it will affect is yourself… it is better to let go, breathe, move on and let go.
I finally understand it all now.
I can admit this soul searching journey has led me to all corners of my mind, and I have loved every moment of it. I learned to just accept life for what it is, I have learned to just live and laugh, to let go of everything that was bad, to let go of everything that made me unhappy.
I am grateful for my summer.
This summer was not about me parading about how I am single, how I can do whatever I want, it was about finding out who I am, finding out my happiness, it was about making sure I knew how to keep myself happy.
That is the important thing, before you can dedicate anybody to make you happy, you have to learn how to love yourself and make yourself happy.
So for now I am on a mission to figure myself out, I am looking for things that make me happy, I don’t have time to be looking for connections if I cannot connect with myself, yet the world is unknown, so what happens happens, I am not to say no.
Go with the flow.