The Irony of The Universe

Things become so ironic, in the best ways, that it just makes me chuckle and smile. So how to explain this, my best friend, became my best friend, because he said something that was miss interpretided into causing me to lose my best friend…

WAIT… rewind on that… how does that work?

Now you are all probablly asuming how crazy I am… how can you be best friends with someone like that?

Simple… he did me the best favor anyone could have done. I know that seems so strange, but it is true. Without my best friend, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And trust me, he always apologizes to me and how horrible he felt if he had known what the damage would have been, but honestly, it was for the best!!

I imagined my life one night if he had never done that, I imagined how depressed I would be still, How I would of still been in that toxic cycle with X, going through the mind fucks, the manipulative abuse, the lies and feeling like the lowest person ever. How I would of never met my current love *yes thats right, I decided to start dating again and open my world up… 4 months strong and its been amazing*, I probably wouldnt have gone on all these memorable adventures, or finding my boyfriend as pretty much being my music rave mate soulmate, no mind games, no lies, no stress, no doubting, we just live, we laugh and we do it so well that its beautiful. I ended up making some of the most important connections because of my bestfriend, had one of the best summers and I cant regret any of it.

I feel happy and healthy and I can say it with a straight face.

Peace, I am at peace, what I had been searching in me and around me, it is all at peace.

I owe it all to my best friend, I owe him from breaking me apart from the toxic waste in my life, for pushing me to give someone who became somebody important a chance, I owe him for the advice and memorable nights we have had. He always says sorry… Yet I amm always saying thank you.

Isnt it fantastic how the universe can work in the best of ways?

|It is almost Ironic|

Although, when it is to my favor… who am I to complain to 🙂

 

Happy Readings my Misfits

  • Marz

 

The Irony of The Universe

The Contradiction of Connecting

C.R.A.V.E

Do you ever just crave something? Not want, because if it was wanting then there is more ambition to obtain it, but just crave, something that sits on your mind in the back of your head and lingers on for a while. Not the crave of food, or going to a familiar place, but a crave within yourself.

Lately there has been a sense of nostalgia inside me, I am not happy, yet I am not sad. It seems to stir in the middle of things, and I do not know how to care for this feeling.  My thoughts trail into simple human needs, to feel craved, to feel wanted, to be given some form of attention, and yet I want nothing more but to be left alone, I want to sit in a corner and watch life happen before me in this neutral expression, and I can’t help but to feel so out of place, like I know my body is there, but I am not.

I realized how empty I was feeling while I sat aside from being social today, I sat and watched, the life happen before me, the slow intoxication of liquor fill my friends, the flirty talks and dancing, and all I wanted was to just be in a bubble, to sit in the corner and just stare, and all I wanted was for someone to just come up to me and say “hey wanna talk about something”

Perhaps silly conversations about partying and drinking bore me, the consumption of forgetting yourself for a few hours seems low, yet lately its all that has been tempting me, fully aware that it cannot always be used as an escape.

This isn’t a crave for sex, or flirty attention, no what I crave is something deeper, something honest and soul worthy, something with a real connection. I find myself being an envious person during my observations, watching people connect is so beautiful it makes me wonder if I ever even had that with anyone. Publicly displaying their open souls, knowing that the room is full, yet to them its only them. I admire people who can connect without the care of the judgements around them, without caring about anything or any labels, but you see the happiness on their faces, and you can tell that there is no emptiness inside them, in that very moment they just connect, I suppose that is what bothers me, it angers me, I am trying to figure out how to fill this missing void inside me, where to find this form of happiness without having it backfire in my face, my past is enough to have taught me not to go down certain paths.

Yet my mind keeps contradicting itself, I want connection, yet I want to be alone.

And then I remember how angry I feel

How damaged I became.

How empty I am inside.

How broken I am, with what I am trying to heal.

How tired my body and soul is.

How numb the world looks to me now.

And I think, why would anyone even try to connect with someone as fucked up as I am right now?

It is human nature to want to connect to something, or to someone, to feel recognized and appreciated. Nobody likes the idea of temporary when they find something so great in their lives.  Perhaps what I am craving is a connection where I can be me, a fully open human being, I am craving for someone to just listen, and yet I have the hardest time finding the trust to place in people. Everything sets me on edge, and I find it driving me insane.

How do you connect with someone that cannot open up, yet wants to open up?

 

The Contradiction of Connecting

.Decaying and Expired.

I wish there was some sort of manual written for your life, things would seem safer I suppose, you would be able to avoid the tragic things without the surprises that lurked darkly behind.

In a world of feeling a misfit and out of place, fitting in with life itself never seemed to be such an option. It is just confusing as ever, floating around attempting to keep what is left together. Has been it a struggle? Perhaps in ways, yes and in other ways I can’t be more grateful about it. School, Family, Break ups, the minimal drama at my job… its all been there for me to soak up.

Bored, we all get bored we grow desperate in search of something more, something to satisfy better, something to tame this gluttony for human existence. We lunge with the risks in mind, “But I am here, I am alive and this is who I am now”

I have recently been in the process of figuring out myself, do not get me wrong I know more or less the person I am to others, but there is this thirst for finding inner peace, with my body and soul. I should have gone on this journey a while ago when I had the opportunity.

Everything is so temporary, and yet we hold onto everything as if it was to last forever, things fall into an end, and when you keep pushing it forward, it only becomes more and more stale. Somethings are better left to when they expired, when something is in a process of decay, we can always grow something new from that pile of shit we put ourselves in.

So I must grow.

.Decaying and Expired.

What Makes Me Attractive?

It is finally getting closer and closer to that summer time, where people start to realize that all their hibernating fat has to be gone and getting in shape seems to be a priority. More exposed clothing is out and sun dresses and short shorts are finally being taken out and dusted off.  And I have yet to move out all my winter stuff… Spring cleaning? I think yes.

Me getting in shape? I thought I would never see the day when I will actually push myself to go to a gym, and now the only thing i picture in my head is the person I wish to be. Thinner, toned up, flatter tummy, you know, girl stuff.

I just can’t help to wonder though, to what I look like right now, and how I dress and act… why am I even attractive? Like what is it that people (or guys) see in me for that manner? I am far from being all girly, I love to look like a bum in slouchy old clothes, I hate dressing up unless it is necessary, I don’t really think of myself as a “sexy” kind of person. I suppose cute, sure but cute is cute; like “AWWW what a cute little dog!” nobody calls a dog sexy, cute is so child like. I always hated showing cleavage, non-the less I hate my own bust size, they’re the one thing that I have never liked because I just don’t feel like they fit my persona, they seem to be just TOO BIG, and then there is shy little me.

I don’t like wearing makeup, again unless I really have to and I hate designer clothes and brands (hey! at least ill save my guy some money right?) and I never really care what I eat or how. I love rough housing around, jumping, rolling in grass and being adventurous and just stupid and silly, that is who I am, but isn’t there a point where its just not considered… well Female? Lady-like?

So really, what makes me attractive? If I seem more like a dude, and less like a chick.

What do they even see in me?

Sometimes I feel like, I am not enough (and I know, someone should never feel that way about themselves), but I just don’t. I just don’t look the part. You take one look at me and your just like “damn, you are one big mess, messy hair, messy clothes” I am a mess! I suppose I just don’t care (Don’t worry though I do care about my hygiene. Although seriously!!

DO GUYS EVEN LIKE THAT?

I am who I am, and I can’t change that, I won’t change that.

I just feel like sometimes “they” are embarrassed to be seen around me, knowing there are other girls who dress well, always look their finest, show off their “curves”, just always look like models. Then curiosity is induced, and paranoia starts to weave in and my brain starts to panic “does he look at other girls? I mean he is a guy, but does he wish I dressed like that sometimes? He could have someone prettier, I know for sure, they would probably look better together, everyone would stare at them in admiration”

So why do “they” just accept me?

What do they see in me?

What makes me attractive?

 

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Happy Readings 🙂

– Marz

What Makes Me Attractive?

Looped

I feel like curling into a small ball and just sleeping everything off. Ever have those days? Where you just feel so emotionally unstable?
No I don’t think I can call myself that, I feel pretty stable, perhaps it is the sudden frustration with the idea of having all these emotions and not being able to do a thing about them. Letting things play out, stop worrying about tomorrow and enjoy what there is to offer in the moment. So why is it that I am just not enjoying that. We tend to always hang on to a little beckon of hope, yet we always are preparing for the worst to come, we tend to stay more on the negative effects rather than the positives.
I am losing my patience and becoming more frustrated again and just preparing myself for the negative emotions, perhaps I have just seemed to have trained my body like that. Or maybe it is just already in us.It is draining life from me, of what was started, ended, started again, and just not coming to it’s end. The confusion of emotions and reaction. Everything has a reaction, a neutral reaction an explosive reaction. I just seem to be torn in both.
I can’t force things to happen, only let my surroundings aware. Although even with all the honesty I can lay out I don’t see any change and then that is where my frustration starts, I assume, I lash out, then I just become defensive.
Is any of this healthy? This circle? This endless loop of No! Yes! Maybe so? I want… Go away! I need you! Not really…? Lets end this. Come over. (Oh god, now I am just beginning to sound like some cliche Taylor Swift song)
This can’t be healthy can it, so why stay with all this?
Who knows, perhaps deep inside I do know, but I am just to scared to say my reasons why.  So let me just scratch my head on this one, and continue acting dumb. I will laugh it off and keep it to myself in hopes that it turns out just alright.

What do you really want? I always ask myself this questions, what deep down in your gut feels right to you? Your interests in career, fashion, money, love. What is worth keeping and letting go, and is it even worth the trouble dealing with. I am young after all and for the moment I have time on my side.
So if I am able to comprehend everything for what it is, and grasp the main points, why am I just endlessly confused. In the mean time, my actions of moving forward could either gain positive points or negative, again depends on what I am trying to achieve. Perhaps because in my mind I like knowing for sure everything, I can only see things as black and white, yes or no. There is no middle filling, it just is what it is, and not knowing what it is can lead to: an over fried brain, low tolerance for bullshit, poor communication and jealousy. Over all just something messy and something I don’t want/need to deal with.
http://vampyrefangs.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/girl-in-nest.jpg?w=640
My only solution for the moment is just going with the flow, don’t take the small things in life so seriously but still be able to figure out what I want to do with it, save the social and “love” for last, and let the time just decide for it’s self. In the mean time, you will find me curled up in a ball under my blankets in my tiny twin bed, as I try to sort through my complex mind of what if’s and what is not, the yes, no’s maybe so, and the what I want and what I don’t.

Looped

There Was a Girl With a Heart.

There once was a girl with a heart.
Who gave it to someone that tore it apart.
She gave it all, and broken it came.
Mending and tending it slowly and just looked at them with lost eyes, confusion and shame.
That poor girl realized that she had enough, and from then on everything would just have to change.

There once was a girl with a heart,
Who had enough of playing that part.
Where she exposed her flesh and bones.
Only to have it thrashed against stones.
That poor girl just hid away, hiding the vulnerable and all back into her tiny cave, the fear of handing it out again, it stayed.

There once was a girl with a heart,
And she kept it close with a lock inside a cart.
For the fear of it escaping
Not knowing where it will be placing,

That poor girl looked at herself and thought it’d be best to turn cold and dark, she didn’t want to be weak or taken advantage of.

There once was a girl with a heart,
Who was so mean and cold and broken apart.
With quick subtle words, a cold shoulder shown with no remorse.
For if they saw the real damage and true feelings she had, she’d only feel worse.

That poor girl only hid away behind the hate, a simple mask she had thrown on, but regret she did not a single word that she had spoken.

There once was a girl with a heart,
And thought that for once she would be smart.
She’d go out there again and have no feelings attached.
And she’d keep her heart locked, never to be detached.

That poor girl went off to have mindless sex, and returning with her skin slowly peeling.

There once was a girl with a heart,
Who had her hopes up for perhaps a new start.
Only to see that things had moved on,
A realization that it felt like a con.

That poor girl just kept her mouth quiet, there was nothing left for her to do, for she was just a girl with a heart, non of it was ever fully her fault.

 

 

Happy Readings!

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– Mariana.

 

There Was a Girl With a Heart.

We All Make them.

July 11th, 2012.

Some times in life we all must make sacrifices. We make them for ourselves and for those we love. Sometimes they end up hurting more than others and without the intention of doing so, some leaving regrets in the back of your mind and unhappy endings to conclude with.  Although you trust your instincts, not your heart, never your heart. I think if you did, your heart would fool you, keep you from the reality.

My sacrifice, I suppose letting someone that I love go, because I realized there was just an endless circle going around and around. And I was the one just being the one to keep it like that because I suppose I had the fear of letting go and not realizing what really was going on. I was stretching out an on going problem that had a simple solution. And just ended up with people getting hurt more than they should have been. It hurt, sure I won’t lie to you and say that I am some cold hearted human with no emotions, I suppose I just made it seem that way, in little care for my own sake of not falling apart when it came to confrontation. And later on just cutting them out from my life for some time, so I could have my own time to figure out what I want in my life.

I just needed to breathe without hesitating.

We need time to overcome things and come into terms with reality and acceptance.

Sacrificing things in life makes you realize what you give up in life to help others and yourself, and just living your life based from what you think is right. Not what others may say, they might think it is wrong, or a mistake, you work with what you think is best, even if it does seem like a risky and bad idea.

We are just humans after all, whose to say what is best for you? Perhaps you’ll never know until you take that step. Sometimes clearing up everything and starting on a clean slate is the best for the body and mind.

You may let go of one thing completely but you will always gain something new it maybe be with time but every person is different. It is the sacrifices one makes that may seem dumb and irrational that could make a big change on how you see life.  And perhaps we will never come in terms to understand them, but for whatever those reasons are we just have to let them be, just let it be.

And that is all.

Happy Readings

Comment/like/follow/

– Mariana

We All Make them.