FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

I just wanted to say Thank you,

Thank you for making realize all the trauma

That has seeped into my mind.

I want to say how grateful I am that my current lover

will have to endure

With what you have bruised and left behind.

How scummy that is, to clean up all your shit after.

And with time, it’ll be erased

just as I have done

With you.

That my new partner will never be able to grab my wrists,

Without me feeling anxiety

Without me squirming away in fear.

Backing away with tears in my eyes,

Because you have left your permanent scar around them,

Imprinted with your hatred and anger.

They will never gain my full trust.

Because you taught me so well how to hide lies,

So everything they tell me, will be second guessed

With a plethora of doubt.

Thank you for opening my eyes,

How easy it is to cheat, to hide sadness behind smiles.

Thank you for allowing me to perform the greatest theatrical act,

To walk around like I was in the happiest state of mind.

I want to thank you for allowing me to shut myself down

And pushing me to my lowest,

For knowing what depression feels like,

when it comes to opening up.

When my future lover will want me to open up,

I won’t because I will be to scared

Thank you for making me feel disgusted with myself,

Slapping stupidity across my face,

Tattooing “FUCKED UP” and “CRAZY BITCH” on it.

For making my skin crawl, for tainting it with all the other

Skins you passed through and kept so hidden in secret.

Thank you for using me, for throwing guilt into my soul.

Making me believe you had real issues,

convincing me you would end

Your very own life.

Making others believe I was some monster who damaged you.

Thank you for showing me how worthless I was

How much of a whore I became.

Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson in life,

To never let someone who’s already down in their life, bring you even further below them,

To never let anyone tell you what you are worth, to not let anyone make you feel any less or

insecure.

Thank you for introducing me to some of the greatest people out there,

What a pity you don’t see value.

One thing I am genuinely thankful for,

Only thing done right,

Thank you, for getting me into sushi.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you, for wasting my youth away in bullshit.

Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

Only Because I Let You.

I let you take everything from me, everything that I own, everything that was valuable to me. I let you take it. Without a breath of discomfort. For the fear of being abandoned… Dissatisfaction. You made me vulnerable, so you can swoop in and have the power to mess around, make me feel safe, reassured me with your words that you spoke, telling me about the beauty that I am, the features that made me different from any other woman, that natural look that you so loved and admired. The opening of soul and body… Laying there naked, cold and weak, it was a perfect place; Your voice that over shadowed my face. The warmth of your skin on mine. Claiming your profound love, it can only go as deep as your dick though.

So really all of that was bull shit.

   I was in my own state of reality, not your sugar coated bull crap. The kind you so convincingly told me on the phone, where you said you will be there forever, we will live here and travel there. What a pity it would have been if that was my reality, no corrections my expectations. You leaving me with these expectations to trust you to put everything inside out. That is what you want, to believe you. Every word you hoped that I would linger on, hold on tightly with these hands and look at you with the eyes of a child, you loved to feel superior. Only because I let you, for the fear of you leaving me, moving on, finding someone else.
I accept my reality, I accept for the worst that can happen. I am not some little girl with those dreams, that fantasy of immortal love. I only feed you my lies because you so willingly enjoyed feeding me yours. I am not like the others, No, I don’t sink and swoon over words and fall crippled into your arms. Reassure me some kind of future in my eyes to believe that you will stay. I am not like the others, so don’t think your words will seduce me.
I let you talk down to me like a child, only because I let you. I let you pour emotions of guilt into my blood, inject it in me like its some kind of drug. Twist my words and throw them at me, turn against me. I had the urge to fix everything, every time something went wrong… You fucked up, I blamed myself, I fixed it, everyone is back to just fucking each other again.

You had your hands firmly gripped around me, and only you knew my soft spots to move me in ways others could not.
I let you do so many things to me, because I loved you, and I was in love with the idea that you loved me back.
You only loved my body. That was all, it was easy, because I let you.

Happy Readings.

Mariana.

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Only Because I Let You.

“Falling” in “Love”

“Everybody is scared to let themselves fall in love” – Hart of Dixie.

Good show, have been hooked on it ever since it came out. The plot is great characters are amazing and the fashion, don’t even get me started on that. Anyways back to the quote. It stuck out to me, for some reason it just did, I disagreed, I agreed and now I am back to disagreeing, why?

Falling in love, its beautiful and everything is so carefree in ways and yet scary because sometimes you stop to think, is this REALLY what love is like? Maybe it was just in your mind, it was just simple puppy love. Although knowing that someone is there for you, cares for you, has a need to be in your life. It feels right, it is simple. Everything about the friendship and bond is simple. They are you’re partner, your lover, your best-friend, your family, pretty much everything. For me, it isn’t cliche, it feels real because I have all those things in one person.

Not drunk text, sleepy text.

So here is what I disagree in, you can love anyone and anything, that is true, but that isn’t so scary, what scary is when they are gone you are just left. You don’t seem to know what to do anymore and your whole world seems lost. Like someone just died in your life and even though it isn’t true you still know they aren’t coming back, but you will always love them. Losing someone is what is scary when you love someone.

“I just don’t know how to do stuff without him anymore” – Babe ( a line from the play I am in)

You are angry and lost and afraid of falling for the same thing again, and again. That is where we learn though, we know what we want, what we don’t want, what time was worth spending and what was wasted and what we are willing to risk. I suppose that is one thing to look at that isn’t so scary. We don’t let ourselves just “fall” no we build it, slowly and cautiously , we keep our minds and hearts open to others and let them slowly into our lives. That is how I think it happens.

Though what would I know? I am just some silly teenage girl right? Only just experiencing a small taste of life in the “fast lane”.

Anyways, I believe I am finished for the night.

Happy readings

Marz.

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“Falling” in “Love”

Enough is Enough.

I have had enough. Stop crying marz, that is all you did for about a week, slap yourself out of it. Enough with the tears. they are useless. I have had enough of being that cliche depressed teenager that everyone hears about. That I swore I would never become, and yet here I am crying and just crying. Well I shall cry no more. I have had enough of it.

Though I can’t, it’s just so much in me that I need to let go, and when I do, I get told to stop. So what should I do? FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?

“I don’t care. And no matter where I turn to it feels like someone is trying to mold me into someone I am not. I am me, marz, Mariana Rodriguez, That is who I am.”

Enough is enough.

I have had enough. I had my breakdown, I cried to my limit, where I almost throw up (old childhood habit), I couldn’t breath, and I got continuous  headaches. I have cried enough I think.

Lets get happy again, lets see that happy Marz.

– A-not-so-happy-marz

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Enough is Enough.

Get Angry.

“you need to get ANGRY” I have heard that phrase for about a week, “You need to get angry”, how do I just get angry? Just scream at the top of my lungs, make my skin hot, my cheeks turn red, steam escape my ears. Yes that angry. That kind of angry I have never reached. Sure I have gotten pissed, but angry?

Angry Marz?

I am suppose to YELL and SCREAM shout, really feel it. So I kept thinking, how on earth will I find a way to make myself angry enough to just let it all out? I have my chance to act this out. It hit me, I will just picture you, sitting front row next to those people I love, and then I will picture you sitting in the front row on the other side laughing with them right next to you. Yes, that is what I will do, imagine. You sitting front row next to “them” normally laughing and conversing sharing stories, touching, hugging, I will yell at you as if you really where back.

” ALLS I GOTS TO SAY IS I HATE YOU AND IM GANNA HATE YOU FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE… (BOOOM)” ,

My show, before I perform, before the spotlight is shone on me. I will picture it at all. And then you will hear an Angry Marz, all this anger building up, just to preform a five minute monologue and a 5 minute skit. A discomfort to invite.

It is time to get angry.

– Marz

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Get Angry.

My turn.

when is it my turn to fucking be miserable? No because for Marz, thats never allowed to be anything but happy and there for friends and comfort them and give them fucking advice and guide them, Marz is never allowed to cry or be a fucking pussy about shit nope nope nope thats just not in the cards for Marz, she has to be strong for everyone because everyone needs that type of person right? Well when is it my turn to fucking hit rock bottom? I never got that feeling for myself when I feel like I am alive because I am so close to letting death take me. I want to feel that rock bottom and let myself go and not care who is looking and who is judging me, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck about it. And when I am done, This relief will just fly over me and everything will feel lighter and just so much better for me, my mind, my body, my soul. I want it to hit me, just fucking hit me. Slap me around a bit, bruise me. Leave its scars all over my skin. I want to feel for once something different. Fucking let it choke me until I’m begging for some air. I want it to just hit me, fucking hit me, and do it over and over again. Just let it keep coming at me.

My turn.