I let you take everything from me, everything that I own, everything that was valuable to me. I let you take it. Without a breath of discomfort. For the fear of being abandoned… Dissatisfaction. You made me vulnerable, so you can swoop in and have the power to mess around, make me feel safe, reassured me with your words that you spoke, telling me about the beauty that I am, the features that made me different from any other woman, that natural look that you so loved and admired. The opening of soul and body… Laying there naked, cold and weak, it was a perfect place; Your voice that over shadowed my face. The warmth of your skin on mine. Claiming your profound love, it can only go as deep as your dick though.
So really all of that was bull shit.
I was in my own state of reality, not your sugar coated bull crap. The kind you so convincingly told me on the phone, where you said you will be there forever, we will live here and travel there. What a pity it would have been if that was my reality, no corrections my expectations. You leaving me with these expectations to trust you to put everything inside out. That is what you want, to believe you. Every word you hoped that I would linger on, hold on tightly with these hands and look at you with the eyes of a child, you loved to feel superior. Only because I let you, for the fear of you leaving me, moving on, finding someone else.
I accept my reality, I accept for the worst that can happen. I am not some little girl with those dreams, that fantasy of immortal love. I only feed you my lies because you so willingly enjoyed feeding me yours. I am not like the others, No, I don’t sink and swoon over words and fall crippled into your arms. Reassure me some kind of future in my eyes to believe that you will stay. I am not like the others, so don’t think your words will seduce me.
I let you talk down to me like a child, only because I let you. I let you pour emotions of guilt into my blood, inject it in me like its some kind of drug. Twist my words and throw them at me, turn against me. I had the urge to fix everything, every time something went wrong… You fucked up, I blamed myself, I fixed it, everyone is back to just fucking each other again.
You had your hands firmly gripped around me, and only you knew my soft spots to move me in ways others could not.
I let you do so many things to me, because I loved you, and I was in love with the idea that you loved me back.
You only loved my body. That was all, it was easy, because I let you.