Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.

It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

Ironic Happiness in Life

.Decaying and Expired.

I wish there was some sort of manual written for your life, things would seem safer I suppose, you would be able to avoid the tragic things without the surprises that lurked darkly behind.

In a world of feeling a misfit and out of place, fitting in with life itself never seemed to be such an option. It is just confusing as ever, floating around attempting to keep what is left together. Has been it a struggle? Perhaps in ways, yes and in other ways I can’t be more grateful about it. School, Family, Break ups, the minimal drama at my job… its all been there for me to soak up.

Bored, we all get bored we grow desperate in search of something more, something to satisfy better, something to tame this gluttony for human existence. We lunge with the risks in mind, “But I am here, I am alive and this is who I am now”

I have recently been in the process of figuring out myself, do not get me wrong I know more or less the person I am to others, but there is this thirst for finding inner peace, with my body and soul. I should have gone on this journey a while ago when I had the opportunity.

Everything is so temporary, and yet we hold onto everything as if it was to last forever, things fall into an end, and when you keep pushing it forward, it only becomes more and more stale. Somethings are better left to when they expired, when something is in a process of decay, we can always grow something new from that pile of shit we put ourselves in.

So I must grow.

.Decaying and Expired.

Reaction of Bad Bearings.

It starts off with a huge pit,
Then you just stare.
You feel your breath get shorter,
A cinder block dropped on your chest.
And with each pull for air,
It gets harder
And harder.
Your legs feel numb
They get shaky
A wobble to only sink in
Deeper into yourself.
Hands covering your mouth,
Eyes starting to water,
And all you can do is choke.
Choke on your own throat
Feel the lump grow bigger
As you swallow each time.
Afraid to show yourself,
Numb,
That is the only word to describe
The state in which you are left.
Angry,
Remorseful,
Regret
Grief
The reality of your worst fear,
Becoming true.
Then there is silence,
A long dreading awful pause.
Nobody knowing what to say,
Or what to do…
And you just stand there,
Feeling so empty.

Reaction of Bad Bearings.

Let’s Play a Game of Chicken

    It’s been those days where its just one let down after another, and you know the right people are finally in your life to help you get out. Yet you are too afraid to say anything because you’re scared that thier perspective of them will change, you’ll be seen as an “untouchable”.

Well, that is how my life has been lately, just slowly shrinking and falling down. Just how dominoes work, one falls into the next. Well where is the end of this chain? Where is that sun at the end of the tunnel with the fresh air? I can step out and just breathe, and it will be so sweet and wonderful.

 I feel like I was getting there slowly, I was just getting back to me and I was happy, I finally found what I needed. And it’s so crazy! So insane how fast things can change and make you feel like shit. I just didn’t think, perhaps that is my fault, for being foolish and ignorant, thinking like that invincible girl. I am not though, I am not indestructible, not made of steel or stone.

I am human.

Realizing I am human, perhaps is something we forget, we always think we are more than what we actually are. So we indulge ourselves and we become selfish and mindless, I suppose like our own “zombie” race. We have the mindset that we can rule the world, so we play with death thinking we will out run him, out smart him, and be able to hide from him, we play chicken.

Each time, I played chicken.

 I need to change things, take control more, take a step back from the speeding highway. I finally met people, and they’re amazing. I laugh and feel great, there is a sense of acceptance and no worries. There the goofy moments and pranks and outings, the weekend random plans. It’s fantastic, it is what I was looking for, and I found it. I suppose when you take a step forward, there is always two steps back.

I can’t let silly past mistakes hold me back from heading towards what I want. I just don’t know sometimes what I want, where I am heading towards. I don’t expect myself to know, I just need to know that I am happy and living the best I can.
So I suppose I can end this on a positive note;

I will be okay, I always turn out being okay.

Anyways, Happy readings!

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Thanks!

– Marz

Let’s Play a Game of Chicken

Love, Loss, and Mexico.

I think my main reason why I am dying to go back to Mexico is because as time goes on, I just feel like I am slowly losing my family. People passing away, and it pains me knowing that I could have gotten to know them better, and love them better. I could have been there more often. These few years I have come close to losing to many people in that way, and I understand it is a part of life, but there is just so much regret and repent. I just can’t seem to get the few moments I had spent with my grandparents, the day I went over to my cousins house. These little memories that linger on my mind.
When my parents leave to catch a flight, and it is always around the cold months. Last year I spent New Years without my dad, and I lost my grandfather, I am only praying that this year it won’t have to be Christmas,
I love it here, but I also love my family, and the fact that I only had the chance to see them so few times, for only a month or two, it bothers me. I miss everything, my cousins growing up, the new babies and the parties. And it does bother me, because there isn’t anything I can do but just smile, comment, like a photo here and there, facebook and skype. And that is as close as I will get. I can never seem to get things out of my head, I can’t come to the reality that one day they are there, and the next, its like they are just gone and they stay gone, you won’t peek your head through the next day in their room and expect them to be there.
I am so scared to spend my life with someone, for that reason. I am so scared of death, not of me, but for my loved ones. Knowing that someday they won’t be there next to me, knowing that one day I will have to say goodbye to my dog, my parents, my sister, my partner.

It’s so morbid and twisted, me an 18 year old girl sorting her thoughts about loss. Who the hell does this?

Maybe it is normal, it is what everyone thinks about at some point, although I am just more open to talk about it, to expose it, show awareness, I don’t hide it away.

Although really, who does this kind of shit?

I suppose I do, when its those late nights, when you just are sick and tired of receiving those late night calls, bearing nothing but bad news.

Love, Loss, and Mexico.

I Carry Fear.

It’s funny, as I walked home by myself of course I start to talk. I rant off about my thoughts, perspectives and future plans in my life that I hope to achieve. I started thinking, if I could have a job, maybe I’d manage a morgue, or drive a hearse. Most people have a common fascination with dark and death and weird things like that, it just sparks our curiosity. Most people tend to fear death upon themselves, I simply accept it as part of life and it’s cycle.
Ironic though, I fear death touching upon my loved ones. I think sometimes that is why I fear, and I get so scared to dedicate myself to someone, having that future.  I think of the future, and beyond, growing old, becoming accustomed to their company everyday and them being there for me, and suddenly they are just gone and I can never get them back. I have to selfishly live on what I have left in life. I cannot deal with losing people. Sometimes I want to end everything, cut off all connections with humanity and my relationships with others so I wouldn’t have that feeling of loss. I almost lost my sister once, and losing her again would be heart breaking. Losing any of my friends, I could not imagine what my life would be like, and losing that someone I love,it would feel as if part of me died as well. I don’t have that many close friends and maybe that is why, or maybe I just don’t need that many. Or maybe because I am twisted enough to think, if I stay in contact with them in the future, and one day my phone rings saying one of them passed. I can not deal with death like that. Yet somehow I am willing to accept my own?
I am scared of many things, I admit that, but its not like spiders and clowns and ghost stories and such, solid things, things I can touch, see, hear, taste. That doesn’t scare me. I am afraid of what I cannot control, what my mind sees that I wish not to, the things it thinks of when I try to ignore.
Suddenly, tears start to stream down my face and slowly sink into my pillow. I am scared, I am fucking terrified. Never felt this before and it’s going to drive me to the brink of insanity. I do have fears, don’t we all?

After all, fear is what keeps us living, it lets us know that we are human, that we are alive.

Happy Readings!

– Marz

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I Carry Fear.