FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

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FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

Only Because I Let You.

I let you take everything from me, everything that I own, everything that was valuable to me. I let you take it. Without a breath of discomfort. For the fear of being abandoned… Dissatisfaction. You made me vulnerable, so you can swoop in and have the power to mess around, make me feel safe, reassured me with your words that you spoke, telling me about the beauty that I am, the features that made me different from any other woman, that natural look that you so loved and admired. The opening of soul and body… Laying there naked, cold and weak, it was a perfect place; Your voice that over shadowed my face. The warmth of your skin on mine. Claiming your profound love, it can only go as deep as your dick though.

So really all of that was bull shit.

   I was in my own state of reality, not your sugar coated bull crap. The kind you so convincingly told me on the phone, where you said you will be there forever, we will live here and travel there. What a pity it would have been if that was my reality, no corrections my expectations. You leaving me with these expectations to trust you to put everything inside out. That is what you want, to believe you. Every word you hoped that I would linger on, hold on tightly with these hands and look at you with the eyes of a child, you loved to feel superior. Only because I let you, for the fear of you leaving me, moving on, finding someone else.
I accept my reality, I accept for the worst that can happen. I am not some little girl with those dreams, that fantasy of immortal love. I only feed you my lies because you so willingly enjoyed feeding me yours. I am not like the others, No, I don’t sink and swoon over words and fall crippled into your arms. Reassure me some kind of future in my eyes to believe that you will stay. I am not like the others, so don’t think your words will seduce me.
I let you talk down to me like a child, only because I let you. I let you pour emotions of guilt into my blood, inject it in me like its some kind of drug. Twist my words and throw them at me, turn against me. I had the urge to fix everything, every time something went wrong… You fucked up, I blamed myself, I fixed it, everyone is back to just fucking each other again.

You had your hands firmly gripped around me, and only you knew my soft spots to move me in ways others could not.
I let you do so many things to me, because I loved you, and I was in love with the idea that you loved me back.
You only loved my body. That was all, it was easy, because I let you.

Happy Readings.

Mariana.

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Only Because I Let You.

We All Make them.

July 11th, 2012.

Some times in life we all must make sacrifices. We make them for ourselves and for those we love. Sometimes they end up hurting more than others and without the intention of doing so, some leaving regrets in the back of your mind and unhappy endings to conclude with.  Although you trust your instincts, not your heart, never your heart. I think if you did, your heart would fool you, keep you from the reality.

My sacrifice, I suppose letting someone that I love go, because I realized there was just an endless circle going around and around. And I was the one just being the one to keep it like that because I suppose I had the fear of letting go and not realizing what really was going on. I was stretching out an on going problem that had a simple solution. And just ended up with people getting hurt more than they should have been. It hurt, sure I won’t lie to you and say that I am some cold hearted human with no emotions, I suppose I just made it seem that way, in little care for my own sake of not falling apart when it came to confrontation. And later on just cutting them out from my life for some time, so I could have my own time to figure out what I want in my life.

I just needed to breathe without hesitating.

We need time to overcome things and come into terms with reality and acceptance.

Sacrificing things in life makes you realize what you give up in life to help others and yourself, and just living your life based from what you think is right. Not what others may say, they might think it is wrong, or a mistake, you work with what you think is best, even if it does seem like a risky and bad idea.

We are just humans after all, whose to say what is best for you? Perhaps you’ll never know until you take that step. Sometimes clearing up everything and starting on a clean slate is the best for the body and mind.

You may let go of one thing completely but you will always gain something new it maybe be with time but every person is different. It is the sacrifices one makes that may seem dumb and irrational that could make a big change on how you see life.  And perhaps we will never come in terms to understand them, but for whatever those reasons are we just have to let them be, just let it be.

And that is all.

Happy Readings

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– Mariana

We All Make them.

Dumb ol’ facebook rant.

Maybe it’s all this hype on being a new 17 year old? Is this what it is supposed to feel like? I highly doubt it. I might just be a dramatic teenager. You know the whole story “trying to escape the world they live in blah blah blah” been there done that. Right now I have just about had it, I feel fucking crazy not like YEA LETS BREAK SOME DRINKS OUT AND PARTY but like holy shit im going insane. SOMEONE CALL THE MENTAL HOSPITAL PLEASE AND LOCK ME AWAY! I get crazy ideas at times, like deleting my facebook, ugh it is so bad! Probably the worst shit ever invented in the world. Like great, I can talk to relatives but the shit that goes down and the dumb shit kids post “HEY YEA CHECK ME OUT IN MY PARENTS BASEMENT DRINKING AND SMOKING BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING COOL HELL YEA” like seriously? You are NOT and I will repeat NOT even close to looking cool. You just look like idiots. And the relationship bull crap like seriously? Why do people even bother to like it, or even get involved, last time I checked it was just *using twilight as an example because I am going insane here* Edward and Bella, not fucking Edward, Bella and Jacob? Okay, but point is like really do others have to be involved? And seriously like since when have girls decided it is okay to whore themselves off? Do they not realize that some colleges do Facebook stalk you? Just saying… But really like people look at that shit, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR FUCKING TITS! It’s just not classy and its gross and this isn’t fucking myspace like really keep it pro bro. There Is just so many things and then suddenly like cyber-bullying is the new thing? And now everybody is just afraid to speak face to face? Oh what has our great world come down too? Clearly civilization has fallen, I cannot imagine what is in-store for our future.

Dumb ol’ facebook rant.

sleep is not an option

I can not sleep.

What keeps me awake?

thoughts, thinking, crickets, snores, you?

the internet is being really stupid.

I tried to sleep but I just couldn’t it is as if I am no longer allowed to. I want to just close my eyes and be off into my own abyss. I never rant here, but i feel like this needs to be seen, i usually do my rant’s privately, but honestly at this point I don’t care. 

I am tired and worn out, exhausted I just want to sleep without having to think so many things through. I am only human not some super powered freak. I have my dreams too and everything.  Sometimes I just get too caught up i want to say FUCK IT.

FUCK IT

just like that, write it all over the place in HUGE letters so that they stand out bright.

I can not sleep.

It just isnt a natural habit in my mind anymore. I feel it too, my body begging me, my mind thinking of those dreams i could be having, those couple of hours i have the luxury of escaping my reality. I feel sick, and tired, and upset,

“am i just a shitty pathetic human?” I tend to think to myself at times.

“I am, I am” i answer

Sometimes it feels like that.

I am trying to think through my music. Music

dara do do do do dum dum dum doo dododadadooo

Random shit at night,

I can’t sleep.

Diary.

Click

click

open

type away….

sleep is not an option

First entry.

first entry, i lied to you all, I was planning on starting to maybe bring my chicken ass to expose my diary but now that i read my first entry its far to embarrassing, so i completely resent from posting anything, maybe somethings but somethings no. I just can’t,

Anyways i shall keep searching for something interesting to post up or writing.

Any suggestions anyone?

:/

 

First entry.