FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

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FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

Three Years Later…

So summer is soon coming to an end and I have done nothing productive with my time or anything to spectacular, oh boo. No worries, soon it will fall back into the marvelous life of high school, *insert sarcastic YAY*. And then again will all my pointless ranting and complaints on how horrible generations are becoming how pointless high-school is and how it should just die. High school, miserable years and college? supposedly there is not much of a change, but what more can I do? I just need to speed it up through life, but I admit, it wasn’t all bad, i guess i am taking this time to reflect back on my years before my very last one comes up.

so my freshman year as i recall….

Red skinny jeans, black skinny jeans, jean skinny jeans…HOT TOPIC that was my all time favorite store to go shopping in, yup you probably guessed it, i had my small “EMO” “Punk” “rocker” whatever phase you would like to call it, where scremo music was blasted and I thought my hair wasn’t knotted and puffed up enough, and i got it to look more like a giant bird’s nest. And I probably could have been mistaken for an overly grown raccoon.  It wasn’t such a bad year i made many new friends and lost a lot of my old ones. I did alright I suppose, had some growing up to do of course and felt like I was good-shit for finally making it to high-school.

Sophmore year, that was alright year really not to shabby, started right away basically in the first weeks of school with a relationship. That was fun, gave me a new chance to meet others people. I had always been a very picky and narrow minded person when it came to making friends, never really was a social person and often was to quickly to judge people based on maybe they’re reputation or who they hung out, see we see kids in schools in there so called “cliques” and the ones at the top everyone thinks “Oh boy there so popular!” It gets mentally engraved in there heads that they are, therefore they are to be treated as if they were celebrities walking the halls when in reality they aren’t even close, they are just normal everyday teens just as equal as the one they walk past. Along with getting some new relationship and friends, a new style for me. Like i mentioned my little punk rocker stage passed quickly I think and i gave that up, I thought to myself, no one likes some overly makeup girl with hair that looks like it hasn’t been brushed in years, I know I wouldn’t think that is very attractive. So I said “I need a new image” and thus is where the whole “finding yourself” began, trying to figure out who I was and finding myself where in the world did I belong, in this one tracked minded high-school world. I was just trying to figure out where I really belonged. My teachers were alright not my favorite but I somehow like every year I manage to pass everything. And well for my social life, i felt like it was everything, it was fun and carefree I was having fun with my new friends, new relationship and then like all good things, they come to an end, I suppose i would be lying to me and all of you readers to say it was mutual, i guess that is what i wanted to believe so it wouldn’t feel as bad, but that’s the thing, i was kinda wanting that experience, everyone has there first breakup, there first kiss, first relationships, first sexual adventures, first drunken night, First high. High school was like a pathway, a little taste of reality without leaving your fantasy life. I admit myself i wasn’t no saint, i did some fucked up things, ruined a relationship and in the process got some angry chicks going for my very head, used someone for a rebound and just pushed them away as if nothing, skipped school couple times, drugs. Not trying to sound exaggerated like I am some bad ass, because i am not, i guess i was just rebelling against people. Yea did I do some growing up BIG time in this year. (sarcasm here too) Although overall i enjoyed my year as well and i worked hard to get my trip to Mexico.

Junior Year.

Finally I was able to prance around the school like i owned shit, Upperclass SUCKA!!! S.A.T.S, college searching, weekly meetings with my awesome counselor to nag on him about where my best school choices will be and how my G.P.A stands and all. It was another year and i planned on making it worth it, no playing around and messing around, no skipping school and just taking it easy all the time. I was ready to face this nightmare we all call “High- School” I stopped caring about my appearance and my own social life, kinda just said to my self “if they want to be my friends then they can, but I am just trying to get through this”. I joined a play and that was a lot of fun, i met so many people and it felt good to work with groups and just meet alot of people, everyone was so friendly. And then again, Middle of the year, I fall into another relationship, silly silly Marz, don’t you ever learn? No, but this one is different and it’s actually meaningful to me, alot. It doesn’t feel like some silly high school thing, feels like it is way more than that. So I was happy with that change in my life. I had so much fun in my Junior year, It kinda made me realize that in high-school I could careless about how many friends i have following me around or who i was following around, I am not a fucking sheep that follows the herd, and no one should be. Everyone is who they are, not following some other person’s shadows. “oh i drink, so you drink” “I wear pink, so you wear pink” (personally I’m not a fan of either of those things) I realized that my friends, even though its a small crowd the reason why I love them is because they’re are great people, they have good hearts and minds. And why would i want to be friends with 100+ people if i can’t even trust a single one? It just doesn’t make any sense to me when i rather have a group of less than 10+ and be able to really know them as a person. I ended my year fine, again somehow I managed to just pass everything :O SHOCKER! and life at home was getting better, not as many problems and fights. See I was trying this new thing where I communicate with my parents in a a more civil tone.

And now, I am back to where i started, complaining about my wondrous summer 🙂 no just kidding. So until next summer will i stop and reflect back on all my four years, and who knows maybe since its all over ill post up my whole diary, maybe….

 

Happy Readings 🙂

~ Marz

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Three Years Later…

In a Coffee shop.

Here I am sitting in Starbucks. Morning. Brew of coffee and tea and the sugar from pastry sweets flair my nostrils.  A perfect excuse to be skipping. Mellow music softly plays and echos throughout the closed in walls. And the over chai tea burns the roof of my mouth. A perfect combination of tea and spice and a dash of milk. I like to sit here all straighted and tall, to make myself seem important, grown up I suppose. I like to imagne I am someone with a purpose for everything maybe not to them, to them I might be just shit a failure but I can prove them wrong sure easily. This morning is full, never imagned a town like this so alive like a mini NYC. Does this town ever sleep?

I hate when people start to stare, its really not necessery I am just the same as everyone else, two eyes, arms and legs. A mouth and nose and a heart.  Though honnestly why do they have to judge. People going off to work, they do the samething stuck in the same rut, loophole. Everyday,

– Wake up

-shower

– Eat

-Work

-Eat

– Home

-sleep

The life of any person.

Look at all these people comming with all their laptops and ipads and gadgets and gizmos and such. Trying to look all real and high tech, like there such important people to the world. Whatever happend to just keeping it old school? A simple pen and notebook.Writing whatever can come and influence the mind?

This town

Noun

Definition: A boring town filled with worthless time and expensive high taxes.

now the real definition?… something named by the Natives ages ago.

It is now 8:01. My stomach is churnning and twsting. Still Drinking my tea, “still drinking my tea, when i’m finished i will leave”

When I am finished, done, I’ll risk everything in my life. I like this right now, Nobody knows me no one recognizes me, I am I.N.V.I.S.I.B.L.E. I’m just that girl sitting by herself. Writing, just writing away at every aspect og my life. The cup seems to feel lighter as i pick it up. My mind is racing as i map out the path to the new destination. I am shaking and crying would feel nice. I need to over come this, Need to sleep. This tea is making me drowsy, was it spiked or someting?. I feel like sleeping, i would love to fall asleep. Fall asleep into his arms, bury my soul into his chest, feel the warmth escape into my skin and just feel everything, thats what i want to do.

My cup is almost empty. Almost finished and then I begin, everything in my footsteps.

Last sips.

Let us begin….

In a Coffee shop.