Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.

It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

Ironic Happiness in Life

Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

I just wanted to say Thank you,

Thank you for making realize all the trauma

That has seeped into my mind.

I want to say how grateful I am that my current lover

will have to endure

With what you have bruised and left behind.

How scummy that is, to clean up all your shit after.

And with time, it’ll be erased

just as I have done

With you.

That my new partner will never be able to grab my wrists,

Without me feeling anxiety

Without me squirming away in fear.

Backing away with tears in my eyes,

Because you have left your permanent scar around them,

Imprinted with your hatred and anger.

They will never gain my full trust.

Because you taught me so well how to hide lies,

So everything they tell me, will be second guessed

With a plethora of doubt.

Thank you for opening my eyes,

How easy it is to cheat, to hide sadness behind smiles.

Thank you for allowing me to perform the greatest theatrical act,

To walk around like I was in the happiest state of mind.

I want to thank you for allowing me to shut myself down

And pushing me to my lowest,

For knowing what depression feels like,

when it comes to opening up.

When my future lover will want me to open up,

I won’t because I will be to scared

Thank you for making me feel disgusted with myself,

Slapping stupidity across my face,

Tattooing “FUCKED UP” and “CRAZY BITCH” on it.

For making my skin crawl, for tainting it with all the other

Skins you passed through and kept so hidden in secret.

Thank you for using me, for throwing guilt into my soul.

Making me believe you had real issues,

convincing me you would end

Your very own life.

Making others believe I was some monster who damaged you.

Thank you for showing me how worthless I was

How much of a whore I became.

Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson in life,

To never let someone who’s already down in their life, bring you even further below them,

To never let anyone tell you what you are worth, to not let anyone make you feel any less or

insecure.

Thank you for introducing me to some of the greatest people out there,

What a pity you don’t see value.

One thing I am genuinely thankful for,

Only thing done right,

Thank you, for getting me into sushi.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you, for wasting my youth away in bullshit.

Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

The Irony of The Universe

Things become so ironic, in the best ways, that it just makes me chuckle and smile. So how to explain this, my best friend, became my best friend, because he said something that was miss interpretided into causing me to lose my best friend…

WAIT… rewind on that… how does that work?

Now you are all probablly asuming how crazy I am… how can you be best friends with someone like that?

Simple… he did me the best favor anyone could have done. I know that seems so strange, but it is true. Without my best friend, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And trust me, he always apologizes to me and how horrible he felt if he had known what the damage would have been, but honestly, it was for the best!!

I imagined my life one night if he had never done that, I imagined how depressed I would be still, How I would of still been in that toxic cycle with X, going through the mind fucks, the manipulative abuse, the lies and feeling like the lowest person ever. How I would of never met my current love *yes thats right, I decided to start dating again and open my world up… 4 months strong and its been amazing*, I probably wouldnt have gone on all these memorable adventures, or finding my boyfriend as pretty much being my music rave mate soulmate, no mind games, no lies, no stress, no doubting, we just live, we laugh and we do it so well that its beautiful. I ended up making some of the most important connections because of my bestfriend, had one of the best summers and I cant regret any of it.

I feel happy and healthy and I can say it with a straight face.

Peace, I am at peace, what I had been searching in me and around me, it is all at peace.

I owe it all to my best friend, I owe him from breaking me apart from the toxic waste in my life, for pushing me to give someone who became somebody important a chance, I owe him for the advice and memorable nights we have had. He always says sorry… Yet I amm always saying thank you.

Isnt it fantastic how the universe can work in the best of ways?

|It is almost Ironic|

Although, when it is to my favor… who am I to complain to 🙂

 

Happy Readings my Misfits

  • Marz

 

The Irony of The Universe

Changes of Matter and Heart

I find myself often gazing upon life before my eyes. Wishing there was more to accept rather than a fading memory in mind. Life can be a trip, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but in the end it is all a balance and a learning experience. I suppose it is about finding the beauty in it.
If it was up to me, life would always be beautiful, having feelings and emotions was embraced, it was nothing to be afraid of. To be human to the core of existence.

I wish more people would let themselves go, just to know what it is like to be free, to not hold back, to not regret on telling that person you love them, to feel like you are a part of something much larger out there, and that your life is just as important as the other, that every living thing has a purpose.

No moment is ever the same twice.

*****
Lately I find myself embracing everything, carrying this out of body expereince.  I stop:

These are my friends, my family, and here I am, living in this moment, sharing it all with them… and by god do I fucking love them

I wouldnt have my life anyother way, im grateful for everything. And like most trips, things may not always make sense,  but I always manage to tell them that I  love them, that I am here for them, that I care,

Life gets tricky, people fall, people grow, people get stuck. With the right people though, it can be pretty amzing. never be afraid to make connections in life. You never know who could be the next person to leave an impression on you.

I suppose in todays world, we become so fearful of feeling, we are suppose to be nnumb, we are suppose to be hard, feelings are for the weak, but how can you live without knwoing what its like to be happy? what it is like to have your heart broken, what it is like to fall in love again?

I would rather be seen as weak, than tough, I would rather be that perason that experienced it all because they took that risk to feel and see it all.

Happy Readings,
Marz

Still confused

Changes of Matter and Heart

.Decaying and Expired.

I wish there was some sort of manual written for your life, things would seem safer I suppose, you would be able to avoid the tragic things without the surprises that lurked darkly behind.

In a world of feeling a misfit and out of place, fitting in with life itself never seemed to be such an option. It is just confusing as ever, floating around attempting to keep what is left together. Has been it a struggle? Perhaps in ways, yes and in other ways I can’t be more grateful about it. School, Family, Break ups, the minimal drama at my job… its all been there for me to soak up.

Bored, we all get bored we grow desperate in search of something more, something to satisfy better, something to tame this gluttony for human existence. We lunge with the risks in mind, “But I am here, I am alive and this is who I am now”

I have recently been in the process of figuring out myself, do not get me wrong I know more or less the person I am to others, but there is this thirst for finding inner peace, with my body and soul. I should have gone on this journey a while ago when I had the opportunity.

Everything is so temporary, and yet we hold onto everything as if it was to last forever, things fall into an end, and when you keep pushing it forward, it only becomes more and more stale. Somethings are better left to when they expired, when something is in a process of decay, we can always grow something new from that pile of shit we put ourselves in.

So I must grow.

.Decaying and Expired.

Reaction of Bad Bearings.

It starts off with a huge pit,
Then you just stare.
You feel your breath get shorter,
A cinder block dropped on your chest.
And with each pull for air,
It gets harder
And harder.
Your legs feel numb
They get shaky
A wobble to only sink in
Deeper into yourself.
Hands covering your mouth,
Eyes starting to water,
And all you can do is choke.
Choke on your own throat
Feel the lump grow bigger
As you swallow each time.
Afraid to show yourself,
Numb,
That is the only word to describe
The state in which you are left.
Angry,
Remorseful,
Regret
Grief
The reality of your worst fear,
Becoming true.
Then there is silence,
A long dreading awful pause.
Nobody knowing what to say,
Or what to do…
And you just stand there,
Feeling so empty.

Reaction of Bad Bearings.

A Change in Heart.

So this year instead of Mexico I have decided to travel.

Travel somewhere new, bold and exciting.

I have it all planned out.

And while sure, I might be doing something out of the ordinary but who ever said that wasn’t a good thing? I am in search for something and I plan to find it. Can’t I just reach my pursuit of happiness? And if so, what is going to happen to me afterwards? I feel like as complex species we spend our life trying to satisfy ourselves and everyone that we do not just think about what really makes us happy.

I just want to find a little escape for a while, forget about life back home, be someone new and bold, confident and beautiful, I mean don’t we all?. Or is that all just cliche?

I think it is one of those characters that is a must to have. Especially to the place I plan on going to.

So fingers crossed and my lips are locked, it is up up and away I go. And by god is it going to be spectacular.

 

A Change in Heart.