Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

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Ironic Happiness in Life

The Irony of The Universe

Things become so ironic, in the best ways, that it just makes me chuckle and smile. So how to explain this, my best friend, became my best friend, because he said something that was miss interpretided into causing me to lose my best friend…

WAIT… rewind on that… how does that work?

Now you are all probablly asuming how crazy I am… how can you be best friends with someone like that?

Simple… he did me the best favor anyone could have done. I know that seems so strange, but it is true. Without my best friend, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And trust me, he always apologizes to me and how horrible he felt if he had known what the damage would have been, but honestly, it was for the best!!

I imagined my life one night if he had never done that, I imagined how depressed I would be still, How I would of still been in that toxic cycle with X, going through the mind fucks, the manipulative abuse, the lies and feeling like the lowest person ever. How I would of never met my current love *yes thats right, I decided to start dating again and open my world up… 4 months strong and its been amazing*, I probably wouldnt have gone on all these memorable adventures, or finding my boyfriend as pretty much being my music rave mate soulmate, no mind games, no lies, no stress, no doubting, we just live, we laugh and we do it so well that its beautiful. I ended up making some of the most important connections because of my bestfriend, had one of the best summers and I cant regret any of it.

I feel happy and healthy and I can say it with a straight face.

Peace, I am at peace, what I had been searching in me and around me, it is all at peace.

I owe it all to my best friend, I owe him from breaking me apart from the toxic waste in my life, for pushing me to give someone who became somebody important a chance, I owe him for the advice and memorable nights we have had. He always says sorry… Yet I amm always saying thank you.

Isnt it fantastic how the universe can work in the best of ways?

|It is almost Ironic|

Although, when it is to my favor… who am I to complain to 🙂

 

Happy Readings my Misfits

  • Marz

 

The Irony of The Universe

Turtle Trouble.

So this is Vincent Apollo,  

(Vincent Apollo Rodriguez Broom, is actually his full name)

He is a cool little guy, makes me smile. 

Keeps me company and makes me happy. So yea I would say I have pretty cool pet. 

Likes to swim and sit on his rock, and eat. 

I would say I am pretty lucky.

Anyways Random post is done!

Enjoy life.

 

Turtle Trouble.

Let’s Play a Game of Chicken

    It’s been those days where its just one let down after another, and you know the right people are finally in your life to help you get out. Yet you are too afraid to say anything because you’re scared that thier perspective of them will change, you’ll be seen as an “untouchable”.

Well, that is how my life has been lately, just slowly shrinking and falling down. Just how dominoes work, one falls into the next. Well where is the end of this chain? Where is that sun at the end of the tunnel with the fresh air? I can step out and just breathe, and it will be so sweet and wonderful.

 I feel like I was getting there slowly, I was just getting back to me and I was happy, I finally found what I needed. And it’s so crazy! So insane how fast things can change and make you feel like shit. I just didn’t think, perhaps that is my fault, for being foolish and ignorant, thinking like that invincible girl. I am not though, I am not indestructible, not made of steel or stone.

I am human.

Realizing I am human, perhaps is something we forget, we always think we are more than what we actually are. So we indulge ourselves and we become selfish and mindless, I suppose like our own “zombie” race. We have the mindset that we can rule the world, so we play with death thinking we will out run him, out smart him, and be able to hide from him, we play chicken.

Each time, I played chicken.

 I need to change things, take control more, take a step back from the speeding highway. I finally met people, and they’re amazing. I laugh and feel great, there is a sense of acceptance and no worries. There the goofy moments and pranks and outings, the weekend random plans. It’s fantastic, it is what I was looking for, and I found it. I suppose when you take a step forward, there is always two steps back.

I can’t let silly past mistakes hold me back from heading towards what I want. I just don’t know sometimes what I want, where I am heading towards. I don’t expect myself to know, I just need to know that I am happy and living the best I can.
So I suppose I can end this on a positive note;

I will be okay, I always turn out being okay.

Anyways, Happy readings!

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Thanks!

– Marz

Let’s Play a Game of Chicken

Christmas Cheer, and such.

I don’t think there is a day where I do not go on  about how much I miss Mexico, Anyways, I am not here to bash upon some depressing rant of how it is so cold and I am so lonely in every possible way. This probably was one of my most peaceful Christmas I have had yet, and I did not mind spending my Christmas Eve at work, since I made some extra cash. I have had some hectic nights and weeks for that matter, balancing my work with school and the finals. Nothing I could not have handled, I realized over this past month nothing much actually, my life has been so dry and repetitive.  I come to the final and last conclusion that I absolutely hate drunk people, I mean drinking is alright like they say “if you know how to drink then you know how to drink” I start to loose respect for those who over do it and just drink away their problems because it “helps”, when in reality,  Alcohol is a very traitorous substance, and people just get dumber and dumber, also what is the point of drinking so much that you wake up feeling like crap the next day or regretting something.
I also realized that as you get older, you tend to be more concerned in buying better gifts for people, for example I actually bought something pricy for my parents and everyone else in my family including the sister’s Boyfriend. So I guess this is what it is like to grow up a little and accept some responsibility…. do I enjoy it though? I am not sure, I suppose just like the holidays it is bitter sweet, They remind you of the family and the love and peace while at the same time the running around in mayhem while you try to fight over the last tickle me Elmo or sports car that you want to give your lovely wife… okay so I might have exaggerated that, because I did not get either, and while I am grateful for the pretty watch (Micheal Kors) I got my hopes up for a surprise car key, but haha who was I fooling? No, I like my watch and I am thrilled to know that yes! I can tell time, I have learned in both “standard” and military, and I need something fancy anyways to accessorize. Over all I didn’t ask for anything special or big, my list was actually very simple: … actaully I  really did not have a list… well Ipod Speakers (the kind where you use up the ipod batteries, or a really good speaker w/ bass system, oh and acoustic guitar picks and strings.

I have come into terms with what my life has become, I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing, but as of now, I try to not sweat out the small things, focus less on the nonsense drama and more on my school and work, I do not have time for egoistic little girls who think they are better and prettier, jealous and feel like they are always competing, I do not have time for silly rumors on my own friends, and whether or not it is true that is their business, I accept them for who they are. And I certainly do not have the time to be following someone elses  life, why would I want to follow someone’s life who only seeks out to be entertained by others and their own lives, that just shows a sense of immaturity and unhappiness, also insecurities. When I had said I was done with high-school, I had really meant it. I was tired of it all and I DO NOT plan on falling back into it.

So now that I have gone into my many rants and topics about my life and questions, until the New year, I shall keep you updated, until then enjoy my future posts and such….

Sorry this sounds so awkward and random.

Anyways…

Happy Readings 🙂

Marz
Christmas Cheer, and such.

Hello Highschool?

I went to visit my high school today with my friend as she came back from college.We had a blast driving around blasting music and catching up on our polar lives. We decided to take a trip to our old high school and surprise some familiar faces. It was a lot of fun seeing everyone again and I was so happy to see all my theater friends and just the theater in general, really just makes you realize how much people actually valued your presence and friendship with their heart warming hugs and screams of joy as they ran down a hallway to say hello. I was ecstatic to run into all my teachers (that I actually bonded with) like all my social studies teachers, my economics teacher, Spanish teacher, English and my wise and hilariously witty guidance counselor.  Walking around with my good friend Ethan as we caught up on things while my other friend Neha was in search for her own teachers we decided to make a stop at my old locker and in doubt that it would open since they supposedly change the locks when the seniors graduate, I tried my old combination and *alakazam!* it opened.

Jumping and screaming up and down as I looked inside with my signature and a random doodle I was laughing hysterically and felt a tug on my hair as a random girl mistaken me for someone else, which just made me laugh even more. I have forgotten how funny highschool was, and all the kids and the crazyness. And to think that so much can change in just a couple of months!

I was walking around calling my teachers by their first names and making fun of them, and while they asked me questions like how was college and where my life is going and plans. A lot also asked about my ex (I guess we were well known around high school), but I just said “he’s good, just chilling” but it’s not like I needed to go into details about that.  I just had not realized how much people actually took noticed. So here is a bit of advice, if you ever just feel like unimportant or not missed, head back to high school and visit some familiar faces you had not seen in a while. It really just made my day to see everyone again. 🙂

 

Happy readings 🙂

Mariana

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p.s – What was your most memorable moment of highschool?

Hello Highschool?

Summer Nights.

Streets lights fading in and out with the traffic rushing back and forth, honks and tire screeches with music blaring out from the windows. It was only a Saturday night after all, everyone was out. Cars out to travel onto their new destinations. A small patio dimly lit, sat alone unattended with the empty offices and closed stores, lunch hours were over, old food which seemed to have left its stain on the floor. The tables sat there, cold and empty all except for one table. There sitting on top a young woman with her legs hanging off the edge swinging them back and forth as she leaned back and a spacy smile, and a young man sitting there on the chair deep in thought. Their faces hidden in the shadows being casted from their surroundings. Glancing up she stared into the sky trying to find what was left of the night’s stars, only to see the smog that was hovering over them and some office lights still on from the building towering over them. She settled with that as her night time stars. It was not the place after all that mattered to her, but the people that made it memorable.
The summer breeze was just starting to settle in and they both enjoyed taking in breaths which sounded more like long sighs of what to do now?
They glanced back and forth, sometimes making eye contact and sometimes just watching the other stare off into there own world. Awkwardly not knowing of what to say next, who to approach who in that manner. It was the perfect summer night, just not right for them, it was one of those perfect summer nights for a first date, not the night of holding onto the past with confusing thoughts and feelings.
He made the move, he grabbed her phone and ran, hiding behind the bushes. She laughed and yelled out to him in frustration and chased him around the small walls and flower beds, jumping through the bushes and stepping over the dirt as he did the same, ending on the other side again, never being able to meet each other again, because he avoided, yet she still chased. It was like watching two kids, run around in their own world, something they had brought together as one and no one else was allowed to enter it.  And by the time they were done, all worn out and tired, by the time they would find each other again, everything in their path would be destroyed, the flowers collapsed by the impact of their feet, shoe prints of mud next to the food left on the floors. Bushes now spread apart from the bodies that were pushed through, now marked with their scent lingering behind them. She found him, sitting there with the phone next to him on a bench, it wasn’t the phone he was looking for, it was her. He wanted her to chase after him, she caught her breath and sat next to him. Again coming back into the same place they were an hour ago, staring at the empty sky not knowing what to do with each other, but sit and enjoy there time together. She stood up and walked to the old table where she had left her bag and he followed behind her. He sat down on the wall and she placed her arms around him and leaned into his chest, letting her head rest under his chin, a familiar comfort that seemed to linger in her mind. He laid his head onto her shoulder and she moved hers on his, their ears meeting and cheeks touching, and they just talked. He opened up about his  troubles and work while she listened and gave her thoughts to him, and they exchanged their secrets and life. To them it was the most natural feeling, it was intimate and personal. There they were opening themselves up, simply by just letting there faces press against each other, no lips touching or eyes meeting, no hands moving or bodies craving for each other with lust.
It was simple, it was just them alone on a summer night, it wasn’t a first date or anything special.
She looked up at him once more and smiled her eyes just breaking the contact with him and he held her around his arms. She leaned in and cupped his face in her hands and just kissed him, he brought her closer to him. For those few seconds,it was clear how much they needed each other despite the confusion and past, they didn’t care who saw them, who judged them.
Just the two of them together was enough, after all it was only a summer night.

 

Happy Readings 🙂

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– Marz

Summer Nights.