FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

.Decaying and Expired.

I wish there was some sort of manual written for your life, things would seem safer I suppose, you would be able to avoid the tragic things without the surprises that lurked darkly behind.

In a world of feeling a misfit and out of place, fitting in with life itself never seemed to be such an option. It is just confusing as ever, floating around attempting to keep what is left together. Has been it a struggle? Perhaps in ways, yes and in other ways I can’t be more grateful about it. School, Family, Break ups, the minimal drama at my job… its all been there for me to soak up.

Bored, we all get bored we grow desperate in search of something more, something to satisfy better, something to tame this gluttony for human existence. We lunge with the risks in mind, “But I am here, I am alive and this is who I am now”

I have recently been in the process of figuring out myself, do not get me wrong I know more or less the person I am to others, but there is this thirst for finding inner peace, with my body and soul. I should have gone on this journey a while ago when I had the opportunity.

Everything is so temporary, and yet we hold onto everything as if it was to last forever, things fall into an end, and when you keep pushing it forward, it only becomes more and more stale. Somethings are better left to when they expired, when something is in a process of decay, we can always grow something new from that pile of shit we put ourselves in.

So I must grow.

.Decaying and Expired.

Growth Spurt

I have so many new blog ideas that come to me randomly, and then when I finally get to them, I end up staring at a blank screen and then clicking that little x at the tab bar. It’s funny how my mind has changed in so many ways, since the last time I took a reflection upon myself. I know my ‘lover’ if he reads this will think “You? Marz? grow up? you’re such a child sometimes”, and yea it is true. I act so immature and childish when we are together, or perhaps it is because even though I have an old soul because I enjoy museums, weird movies and swing music… but he? Probably an ancient soul, our soul ages just are too far apart :p haha.

I suppose I never got to enjoy thoroughly my teen years normally, I had to grow up a bit faster than my other fellow friends. I knew things growing up that most kids at that age wouldn’t even question, like what the human body parts were, my cousin taught me what sex and masturbation was when I was probably about 10 years old, we even had code names for a condom, penis and vagina, and all those other “private parts”.

Although could those new words and knowledge in my mind truly have made me more grown up than others?

Now fast forward to my current lifestyle, I work at a high-end restaurant, our usual costumers range from 30-60 years old, very rarely do we get young adults from 18-30. Surrounded by adults, weather its from staff or our costumers. Working in restaurants has made me see a new perspective on people and life for that matter. Working in general has made me think of how people today get by. In today’s world where jobs are so scarce, it’s really no longer about where you came from, your background or education, it is all about having the specific experience, something that makes you different from the rest yet maintaining that generic mold they want and having a connection of someone “higher”.
Sadly that is how we have to live our lives. My manager always encourages me to “connect” with regulars because you never know who you can meet. For me to really say though that I’ve grown, I suppose I can admit to it. I have learned to speak louder and fight for what I want, not to allow people feel above me or push me around, and to Handle situations in a mature manner.
I know he always tells me I need to grow up, but I’ll just grow up for what will do me well in life, for now he’ll just have to suffer his way through.

Happy readings 🙂

-Marz
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Growth Spurt

Christmas Cheer, and such.

I don’t think there is a day where I do not go on  about how much I miss Mexico, Anyways, I am not here to bash upon some depressing rant of how it is so cold and I am so lonely in every possible way. This probably was one of my most peaceful Christmas I have had yet, and I did not mind spending my Christmas Eve at work, since I made some extra cash. I have had some hectic nights and weeks for that matter, balancing my work with school and the finals. Nothing I could not have handled, I realized over this past month nothing much actually, my life has been so dry and repetitive.  I come to the final and last conclusion that I absolutely hate drunk people, I mean drinking is alright like they say “if you know how to drink then you know how to drink” I start to loose respect for those who over do it and just drink away their problems because it “helps”, when in reality,  Alcohol is a very traitorous substance, and people just get dumber and dumber, also what is the point of drinking so much that you wake up feeling like crap the next day or regretting something.
I also realized that as you get older, you tend to be more concerned in buying better gifts for people, for example I actually bought something pricy for my parents and everyone else in my family including the sister’s Boyfriend. So I guess this is what it is like to grow up a little and accept some responsibility…. do I enjoy it though? I am not sure, I suppose just like the holidays it is bitter sweet, They remind you of the family and the love and peace while at the same time the running around in mayhem while you try to fight over the last tickle me Elmo or sports car that you want to give your lovely wife… okay so I might have exaggerated that, because I did not get either, and while I am grateful for the pretty watch (Micheal Kors) I got my hopes up for a surprise car key, but haha who was I fooling? No, I like my watch and I am thrilled to know that yes! I can tell time, I have learned in both “standard” and military, and I need something fancy anyways to accessorize. Over all I didn’t ask for anything special or big, my list was actually very simple: … actaully I  really did not have a list… well Ipod Speakers (the kind where you use up the ipod batteries, or a really good speaker w/ bass system, oh and acoustic guitar picks and strings.

I have come into terms with what my life has become, I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing, but as of now, I try to not sweat out the small things, focus less on the nonsense drama and more on my school and work, I do not have time for egoistic little girls who think they are better and prettier, jealous and feel like they are always competing, I do not have time for silly rumors on my own friends, and whether or not it is true that is their business, I accept them for who they are. And I certainly do not have the time to be following someone elses  life, why would I want to follow someone’s life who only seeks out to be entertained by others and their own lives, that just shows a sense of immaturity and unhappiness, also insecurities. When I had said I was done with high-school, I had really meant it. I was tired of it all and I DO NOT plan on falling back into it.

So now that I have gone into my many rants and topics about my life and questions, until the New year, I shall keep you updated, until then enjoy my future posts and such….

Sorry this sounds so awkward and random.

Anyways…

Happy Readings 🙂

Marz
Christmas Cheer, and such.

Teach Me.

ImageTeach me to be fearless,
Show me that I can live without being
so afraid.
Pull me away,
because I know I won’t be able to do it alone.
Fear, I am tired of living in it.
I want to dream about things that I deserve and do things on my own
Instead of living in shit.
And not keep them astray.
be happy about them.
This realism that seeps between slowly melts that away.
I am not cold
I am not bitter.
Me? I cannot always be the babysitter.
I see the world for how I feel safe.
The best and keep in mind
downside to things, so I don’t keep my hopes awake.
Disappointments.
Life, there are no times for appointments.
Teach me to take these risks
Teach me how to simply kiss.
How to love, how to smile, just try to keep that around
Try to keep me
For a while.
Take my fingers and slowly trace them over
Until every detail has been engraved into my mind.
Teach me to have this patience and just be kind.
To have inner confidence with one,
Like the whole world revolves around me
And only me,
Because I am
The sun.
Don’t let me feel like shadow,
Walking behind what has already shined.
Don’t make all this a one track narrow
Walking around like nothing I have is really mine.
I want to learn, I want to be able to breath it all in.
Feel guilty for my pleasures that I fulfill.
Do everything out of love and not have to sin.
Teach these ways to me.
You must know something.
Because to me, you seem so free.

By,  Mariana

Enjoy, Comment/reblog/follow.

Happy readings 🙂

Teach Me.

Sometimes I talk.

I was always a strange kid, and it’s not the first time I have stopped to realize this, with a huge age gap between my sister and I, we were always in different phases.

I enjoyed destroying barbies and playing with my neighbors and rolling around in grass while my sister enjoyed ballet and painting.

I remember when in younger years I was always independent, I kept myself company and stayed to myself, I loved it when I was home alone because it gave me a chance to be silly. I would talk and make up scenes from movies, sing as loud as I can, dress up in my mothers heels and clothes and walk around like I run the place. I would pretend I was at a restaurant and serve myself water in the wine glasses and the waiter that was me, the cashier was me, the snobby lady who was always upset and unsatisfied was me as well. I played all my creations. I ran a one-woman show. I imagined next to myself with cartoon and t.v show characters and fighting there adventures next to them.

Only by my self though, I suppose I was scared of being judged by others, I was always a shy kid growing up and to this day I still am, I am not out-going and wild.

I still talk to myself, I take a voice recorder and I record my thoughts, I try to piece everything together as it is when I feel troubled. I enjoy the feeling of isolation.

My backyard in the summer has bushes and trees growing and a small up hill, I would climb up there with a stick and pretend it was a sword, and I was traveling through a jungle to find exotic plants and animals, when I would go bike riding I’d find a small stick and pretend that it was a magic wand and the bike was my broom stick or I was on some giant race track and I was that bad ass chick that could kick any-guys ass.

Those are memories to me worth keeping all.

Sometimes, it makes me wish I was younger again when things felt so uncomplicated, I always lay in bed and think that maybe all this was just a dream, everything that has happend was all a dream and I am really just four years old still that I had fallen into some kind of coma or deep sleep from falling off my tire swing or my bike and when I wake up I will see my small hands and feet and all I can say is “I just had the most strange dream ever, I was older and in high school”

 

 

Happy readings.

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~Marz

Sometimes I talk.