Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

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Ironic Happiness in Life

The Irony of The Universe

Things become so ironic, in the best ways, that it just makes me chuckle and smile. So how to explain this, my best friend, became my best friend, because he said something that was miss interpretided into causing me to lose my best friend…

WAIT… rewind on that… how does that work?

Now you are all probablly asuming how crazy I am… how can you be best friends with someone like that?

Simple… he did me the best favor anyone could have done. I know that seems so strange, but it is true. Without my best friend, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And trust me, he always apologizes to me and how horrible he felt if he had known what the damage would have been, but honestly, it was for the best!!

I imagined my life one night if he had never done that, I imagined how depressed I would be still, How I would of still been in that toxic cycle with X, going through the mind fucks, the manipulative abuse, the lies and feeling like the lowest person ever. How I would of never met my current love *yes thats right, I decided to start dating again and open my world up… 4 months strong and its been amazing*, I probably wouldnt have gone on all these memorable adventures, or finding my boyfriend as pretty much being my music rave mate soulmate, no mind games, no lies, no stress, no doubting, we just live, we laugh and we do it so well that its beautiful. I ended up making some of the most important connections because of my bestfriend, had one of the best summers and I cant regret any of it.

I feel happy and healthy and I can say it with a straight face.

Peace, I am at peace, what I had been searching in me and around me, it is all at peace.

I owe it all to my best friend, I owe him from breaking me apart from the toxic waste in my life, for pushing me to give someone who became somebody important a chance, I owe him for the advice and memorable nights we have had. He always says sorry… Yet I amm always saying thank you.

Isnt it fantastic how the universe can work in the best of ways?

|It is almost Ironic|

Although, when it is to my favor… who am I to complain to 🙂

 

Happy Readings my Misfits

  • Marz

 

The Irony of The Universe

Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

I was told a few months ago that I needed to do some inner soul searching, I lost a dear friend, not in death but in connection, and I really felt it, It spun me into this abyss of unknown. I was lost for so long and used so many things as escapes to help me escape, not sure if escape by try to gain that persons attention, not sure if it was aimed at X or my parents. Things just went south, in life for me everything went wrong, romance, home life, education, I was lost, I was hitting rock bottom, and while at work I played it off like I was happy and I was the best person I could be, I was great at wearing the masks I wore.

I drove my X away, with my crazy antics I know i drove him away, of course he blamed me for things that wasn’t true but I couldn’t help being a child about things, I was crazy,  I acted in ways that wasn’t okay, I realized that when it had hit me that there was nothing I could do to fix anything that had happened between us, I simply had to accept it as part of life. So with that I wrote him a letter, letting him know that I will always love him and I can never hate him, no matter what damage was caused, I could never hate him for anything.

This summer for me was about soul searching and growing up, I got involved with someone from my job that I trusted in ways, ended up sour, but I decided instead of being that crazy bitch I usually turned out to be, just let things go, accept it for what it was and make the amends, its not worth holding on to horrible energy, it is not good for the soul.

I realized that, to my X,  I finally understood, it does take so much energy to hate, and to place all this negativity on someone, and for what?

The only one it will affect is yourself… it is better to let go, breathe, move on and let go.
I finally understand it all now.

I can admit this soul searching journey has led me to all corners of my mind, and I have loved every moment of it. I learned to just accept life for what it is, I have learned to just live and laugh, to let go of everything that was bad, to let go of everything that made me unhappy.

I am grateful for my summer.

This summer was not about me parading about how I am single, how I can do whatever I want, it was about finding out who I am, finding out my happiness, it was about making sure I knew how to keep myself happy.

That is the important thing, before you can dedicate anybody to make you happy, you have to learn how to love yourself and make yourself happy.

So for now I am on a mission to figure myself out, I am looking for things that make me happy, I don’t have time to be looking for connections if I cannot connect with myself, yet the world is unknown, so what happens happens, I am not to say no.

Go with the flow.

HAPPY READINGS

MARZ

Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

Little Bits of Here and There

So its been a while might I say since I have written anything and I really just miss writing.
A lot has changed for me I suppose. I have found a new job which I enjoy and I have met and grown closer to people. Honestly I do not even know where to begin. I changed my hair a little, I’ve accepted very nicely my recent single status, I’m moving away soon out of my house which I cannot wait for, I just have a good feeling about this’ everything In my gut is positive.
I know its been a while since I have last shared my recent rants and rambles of nothingness. I have been occupied, but I suppose being occupied is better than doing nothing at all.
I can always be better, who doesn’t have room for improvement. I can deal with the talks and the judgments, the bad mouthing talks behind my back, what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger… So cliche I know. I can admit I’ve done some horrible things, but that is what makes it different, I can admit, accept, and I can be me. In the end I don’t care what people think or say.
With a new life look ahead and past mistakes to be made up. I believe there is much to look forward to.
I hate feeling like I’m giving up on certain things, but as I have engraved into my head

everything for a reason

Taking the little things too serious, leaving no time to stop and not over think things… I have for sure given my mind a break to be dumb and numb.
Its been a good world, and change and growth came with it all.
I feel happy, relaxed, relieved, empowered and at peace.

Little Bits of Here and There

FLIPPED

In this world Figure A, is no longer a black sheep but the golden one. Figure A has everything in place and a world so perfectly laid out. Figure A is not misbehaving and is doing what they are told. Figure A is no longer Figure B. Figure B on the other hand is now in question of sanity, the mental state in which they think. Figure A worries about figure B, and wonders about the morals. Figure A was taught to be faithful towards the loved ones, just like Figure B. And when figure A finally is grabbing a hold of life, the relationship, the job, the well everything, they notice figure B starting to slowly diminish that. Figure A is conflicted with telling Figure C, knowing though it might hurt Figure B. Figure B is a liar, they are a cheating un grateful liar. It is as if Figure B is no longer even recognizable, there is no shame in Figure B. It is funny how things flip, life makes these small changes and suddenly Figure A doesn’t feel so guilty about making this about them. Making it their summer to travel and fall in love, or well deeper in love. Figure A has no regrets in knowing that they are keeping all of their sanity. Their only disappointment although is Figure B, what is to become of that?

 

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Happy Readings.

 

FLIPPED

A Change in Heart.

So this year instead of Mexico I have decided to travel.

Travel somewhere new, bold and exciting.

I have it all planned out.

And while sure, I might be doing something out of the ordinary but who ever said that wasn’t a good thing? I am in search for something and I plan to find it. Can’t I just reach my pursuit of happiness? And if so, what is going to happen to me afterwards? I feel like as complex species we spend our life trying to satisfy ourselves and everyone that we do not just think about what really makes us happy.

I just want to find a little escape for a while, forget about life back home, be someone new and bold, confident and beautiful, I mean don’t we all?. Or is that all just cliche?

I think it is one of those characters that is a must to have. Especially to the place I plan on going to.

So fingers crossed and my lips are locked, it is up up and away I go. And by god is it going to be spectacular.

 

A Change in Heart.

Christmas Cheer, and such.

I don’t think there is a day where I do not go on  about how much I miss Mexico, Anyways, I am not here to bash upon some depressing rant of how it is so cold and I am so lonely in every possible way. This probably was one of my most peaceful Christmas I have had yet, and I did not mind spending my Christmas Eve at work, since I made some extra cash. I have had some hectic nights and weeks for that matter, balancing my work with school and the finals. Nothing I could not have handled, I realized over this past month nothing much actually, my life has been so dry and repetitive.  I come to the final and last conclusion that I absolutely hate drunk people, I mean drinking is alright like they say “if you know how to drink then you know how to drink” I start to loose respect for those who over do it and just drink away their problems because it “helps”, when in reality,  Alcohol is a very traitorous substance, and people just get dumber and dumber, also what is the point of drinking so much that you wake up feeling like crap the next day or regretting something.
I also realized that as you get older, you tend to be more concerned in buying better gifts for people, for example I actually bought something pricy for my parents and everyone else in my family including the sister’s Boyfriend. So I guess this is what it is like to grow up a little and accept some responsibility…. do I enjoy it though? I am not sure, I suppose just like the holidays it is bitter sweet, They remind you of the family and the love and peace while at the same time the running around in mayhem while you try to fight over the last tickle me Elmo or sports car that you want to give your lovely wife… okay so I might have exaggerated that, because I did not get either, and while I am grateful for the pretty watch (Micheal Kors) I got my hopes up for a surprise car key, but haha who was I fooling? No, I like my watch and I am thrilled to know that yes! I can tell time, I have learned in both “standard” and military, and I need something fancy anyways to accessorize. Over all I didn’t ask for anything special or big, my list was actually very simple: … actaully I  really did not have a list… well Ipod Speakers (the kind where you use up the ipod batteries, or a really good speaker w/ bass system, oh and acoustic guitar picks and strings.

I have come into terms with what my life has become, I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing, but as of now, I try to not sweat out the small things, focus less on the nonsense drama and more on my school and work, I do not have time for egoistic little girls who think they are better and prettier, jealous and feel like they are always competing, I do not have time for silly rumors on my own friends, and whether or not it is true that is their business, I accept them for who they are. And I certainly do not have the time to be following someone elses  life, why would I want to follow someone’s life who only seeks out to be entertained by others and their own lives, that just shows a sense of immaturity and unhappiness, also insecurities. When I had said I was done with high-school, I had really meant it. I was tired of it all and I DO NOT plan on falling back into it.

So now that I have gone into my many rants and topics about my life and questions, until the New year, I shall keep you updated, until then enjoy my future posts and such….

Sorry this sounds so awkward and random.

Anyways…

Happy Readings 🙂

Marz
Christmas Cheer, and such.