Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

I just wanted to say Thank you,

Thank you for making realize all the trauma

That has seeped into my mind.

I want to say how grateful I am that my current lover

will have to endure

With what you have bruised and left behind.

How scummy that is, to clean up all your shit after.

And with time, it’ll be erased

just as I have done

With you.

That my new partner will never be able to grab my wrists,

Without me feeling anxiety

Without me squirming away in fear.

Backing away with tears in my eyes,

Because you have left your permanent scar around them,

Imprinted with your hatred and anger.

They will never gain my full trust.

Because you taught me so well how to hide lies,

So everything they tell me, will be second guessed

With a plethora of doubt.

Thank you for opening my eyes,

How easy it is to cheat, to hide sadness behind smiles.

Thank you for allowing me to perform the greatest theatrical act,

To walk around like I was in the happiest state of mind.

I want to thank you for allowing me to shut myself down

And pushing me to my lowest,

For knowing what depression feels like,

when it comes to opening up.

When my future lover will want me to open up,

I won’t because I will be to scared

Thank you for making me feel disgusted with myself,

Slapping stupidity across my face,

Tattooing “FUCKED UP” and “CRAZY BITCH” on it.

For making my skin crawl, for tainting it with all the other

Skins you passed through and kept so hidden in secret.

Thank you for using me, for throwing guilt into my soul.

Making me believe you had real issues,

convincing me you would end

Your very own life.

Making others believe I was some monster who damaged you.

Thank you for showing me how worthless I was

How much of a whore I became.

Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson in life,

To never let someone who’s already down in their life, bring you even further below them,

To never let anyone tell you what you are worth, to not let anyone make you feel any less or

insecure.

Thank you for introducing me to some of the greatest people out there,

What a pity you don’t see value.

One thing I am genuinely thankful for,

Only thing done right,

Thank you, for getting me into sushi.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you, for wasting my youth away in bullshit.

Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

Sorry for Being Fake.

I am so sorry,
I am sorry for what I am doing to you.
The feelings that you feel,
Sorry
I don’t feel them.
Those soft cheek pecks,
I can’t return them.
And when your lips
They touch mine,
Deep down I wish
I could enjoy them,
Honestly.
Your hands on me,
The way they move
All over my skin
If only they would
Really turn me on,
But…
I can’t feel them.
Your hands cradle over mine,
And they cover every inch,
You see they are
Secure
But…
I don’t see it.

Perdoname (sorry)

When you smile with that light,
There’s just darkness in mine.
And I go fake and turn cold,
like frigid metal.
I wish I could run.
You know?
Just run the other way,
Avoid looking into those eyes,
What was left behind.
I can’t do it,
I can’t look you in the eyes,
I can’t look at you…
At all.
I am so sorry,
I am such a disaster.
There is too much chaos
Stay away from me, please,
Can’t you see it?
I am not good for you,
I am not good for anyone.
So please,
If you end up,
Heart broken,
Angry,
Or mental,
Just as much as I am.
Just know, that deep down
I truly was very sorry.

 

– Happy ReadingsMariana

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Sorry for Being Fake.

Only Because I Let You.

I let you take everything from me, everything that I own, everything that was valuable to me. I let you take it. Without a breath of discomfort. For the fear of being abandoned… Dissatisfaction. You made me vulnerable, so you can swoop in and have the power to mess around, make me feel safe, reassured me with your words that you spoke, telling me about the beauty that I am, the features that made me different from any other woman, that natural look that you so loved and admired. The opening of soul and body… Laying there naked, cold and weak, it was a perfect place; Your voice that over shadowed my face. The warmth of your skin on mine. Claiming your profound love, it can only go as deep as your dick though.

So really all of that was bull shit.

   I was in my own state of reality, not your sugar coated bull crap. The kind you so convincingly told me on the phone, where you said you will be there forever, we will live here and travel there. What a pity it would have been if that was my reality, no corrections my expectations. You leaving me with these expectations to trust you to put everything inside out. That is what you want, to believe you. Every word you hoped that I would linger on, hold on tightly with these hands and look at you with the eyes of a child, you loved to feel superior. Only because I let you, for the fear of you leaving me, moving on, finding someone else.
I accept my reality, I accept for the worst that can happen. I am not some little girl with those dreams, that fantasy of immortal love. I only feed you my lies because you so willingly enjoyed feeding me yours. I am not like the others, No, I don’t sink and swoon over words and fall crippled into your arms. Reassure me some kind of future in my eyes to believe that you will stay. I am not like the others, so don’t think your words will seduce me.
I let you talk down to me like a child, only because I let you. I let you pour emotions of guilt into my blood, inject it in me like its some kind of drug. Twist my words and throw them at me, turn against me. I had the urge to fix everything, every time something went wrong… You fucked up, I blamed myself, I fixed it, everyone is back to just fucking each other again.

You had your hands firmly gripped around me, and only you knew my soft spots to move me in ways others could not.
I let you do so many things to me, because I loved you, and I was in love with the idea that you loved me back.
You only loved my body. That was all, it was easy, because I let you.

Happy Readings.

Mariana.

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Only Because I Let You.

There Was a Girl With a Heart.

There once was a girl with a heart.
Who gave it to someone that tore it apart.
She gave it all, and broken it came.
Mending and tending it slowly and just looked at them with lost eyes, confusion and shame.
That poor girl realized that she had enough, and from then on everything would just have to change.

There once was a girl with a heart,
Who had enough of playing that part.
Where she exposed her flesh and bones.
Only to have it thrashed against stones.
That poor girl just hid away, hiding the vulnerable and all back into her tiny cave, the fear of handing it out again, it stayed.

There once was a girl with a heart,
And she kept it close with a lock inside a cart.
For the fear of it escaping
Not knowing where it will be placing,

That poor girl looked at herself and thought it’d be best to turn cold and dark, she didn’t want to be weak or taken advantage of.

There once was a girl with a heart,
Who was so mean and cold and broken apart.
With quick subtle words, a cold shoulder shown with no remorse.
For if they saw the real damage and true feelings she had, she’d only feel worse.

That poor girl only hid away behind the hate, a simple mask she had thrown on, but regret she did not a single word that she had spoken.

There once was a girl with a heart,
And thought that for once she would be smart.
She’d go out there again and have no feelings attached.
And she’d keep her heart locked, never to be detached.

That poor girl went off to have mindless sex, and returning with her skin slowly peeling.

There once was a girl with a heart,
Who had her hopes up for perhaps a new start.
Only to see that things had moved on,
A realization that it felt like a con.

That poor girl just kept her mouth quiet, there was nothing left for her to do, for she was just a girl with a heart, non of it was ever fully her fault.

 

 

Happy Readings!

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– Mariana.

 

There Was a Girl With a Heart.

.Stay Calm.

Moist eyes, shaking body.
And all that whispers is
Calm.
Falling tears and mascara markings.
And was there next morning.
Calm.
Used body parts, mind twisted and screwed,
Marked upon, unable to erase.
Calm.
Strength low, feeling of disgust.
Feelings linger on forever.
Calm.
Anger and betrayal,
Unwanted words at the tip of the tongue
Building inside like a volcano,
Ready to spew out hot lava.
Calm.
Forgiveness, Friendship?
Really far off from the making.
Eye contact can’t even be made.
Calm.
Hoping to wake up from the nightmare
To realize the reality you are in,
It is all real.
Everything you just got put through.
Always remind yourself,
What he did.
Heartless.
Selfish.
Hypocrite.
Insecure.
Low.

Disappointing.
Calm, Be happy, forget it.
Everyone whispers in my ear,
Calm. Stay calm.
You can get through this.

Happy readings,

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Thank you.

– Mariana.

.Stay Calm.

Soap Opera

Sometimes I think my life is a soap Opera. Una novela de univision 41.

I get rated.

I get judged.

I get veiwed.

I get slapped.

I get loved.

I get hated.

I get misunderstood.

I get cheated on.

I get emotionally confused and bipolar.

I get turned on.

I get shut down.

I get serious.

I get funny

and sometimes just overly exaggerated and dramatic.

I get to weep and laugh.

I get to come upon as some foreign strange new thing.

I get to have family drama, and friend drama.

Yup, sometimes I think my life is one soap opera

Una Novela,

mis papas ven novelas... I do not. Just thought this looked dramatic.

on repeat

every single

day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By, Marz and Marz only.

Happy Readings 🙂

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Thanks.

 

Soap Opera