FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

Advertisements
FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

Hanging On Hopeless, Silly and Forgotten Dream.

Screen shot 2013-02-05 at 10.40.10 AM

Her cheeks pink, resting on the pillow.

With his lips resting on her neck,

his soft breaths leaving a sense of humidity.

It tickled the hairs on her back.

A long sigh.

Messy hair,

scratches of good sex.

makeup smeared under her eyes.

He held her, cradling her into his arms.

“You are so pretty”

Her lips kissed the top of his forehead.

She felt his grip tighten, and his head fell back

into place.

He closed his eyes, and she shut hers.

How she wished,

that could be them,

everyday.

The silly hope, that the dream,

that once was,

was not dead,

simply buried.

Although perhaps she

was just a

silly

foolish

girl.

Hanging onto a hopeless dream,

never to be.

To fall back to what was left

when there is a monster in the same bed,

and he is making his way back in slowly.

It is her fault, because she is letting, so willing,

So giving.

So she plays it safe,

“Don’t let him take anymore, you already gave too much, you already gave in”

So she keeps hanging onto her

lost

hopeless

and forgotten dream.

Always just hoping.

Happy Readings!!

Comment/Follow/ LIKE.

By: Marz

Hanging On Hopeless, Silly and Forgotten Dream.

Trampled

Has it just been me? Or has 2012 started into a shitty year? What ever happened to just keeping that optimistic look? I refuse to let this year stab me and kill me over and over, what is another 365 days to survive? Not much I suppose. I did not however build everything that I care for just to have it trampled and spat on. I am stronger than that. Arn’t we all?

We build up so much, spend day after day trying to make it this perfection, for what? Our expectations to be torn and shredded to pieces?

No, I refuse to stand there and be mocked at. Humans, we are only humans. I am a human, I am an imperfect,clumsy,insecure, silly human.

I know that about myself.

 

Happy readings

Comment/subscribe.

– Marz

Trampled

It’s not me.

I should be jumping with joy. I should be happy to hear those words. those three words that forever let go. Though in reality it just made me feel even more of a bitch and slowly pained me inside, it is crazy sometimes having a sad feeling for someone you have never met before?.

That is not me, it is not how I am suppose to be. I am Marz, a humble and quiet awkward teenage girl, sweet and willing to help even those people I never approved of. So why am I starting to turn into something so sinister? Is this really what all this time passed has done to me? Just thrown me into loops of emotions and mindsets? I am not like the others, possessive and crazy. No that is not me.

To what do I really have to worry about? I have everything at my fingertips right? I suppose that is what could make me a brat, I can manipulate and gain information, make and take friends and leave them (if I really was that evil) , I have a pretty good love-life. Parents, both with jobs, a home and all, clothes on my back sometimes even designer brands. So what do I have to worry about right? I have everything, but is it worth it?

ah, we get to the main question, is everything worth it? the risks? the time? the life? MY life? was it well spent?

All these questions.

I am going crazy, no not crazy, I feel like I am changing, growing?

I read it all, well mostly of what I wanted to be informed with… I carry my opinions quietly though, it is a rather sensitive topic, not just for them but perhaps for me as well. So with that I leave.

Happy readings 🙂

– Marz

Follow ME 😀 (twitter is fine as well)

It’s not me.

Indian Moon – State Radio.

On this earth not alone we stand
Outstretched arm and upturned hand
Never knowing when the shakes steady
And ’till now we have seldom seen
And I will go if you go with me
Understand I will wait for thee
I’ll try to catch up if you move quickly
If the rain does blow

And oh sir
If you ever lose your way
You can call upon this family
You can call upon this day
And oh man
If you ever lose your way
You can call up on this family
You can call upon this day

‘Cause you’re my present my future
My lesson my teacher
Oh… My world is still
You’re my guard you’re my guide
In my life I confide to ever shelter your will
And my words are forerver you’re my blanket my shiver
Whatever you give I’ll never lack

You’re my chorus my refrain
The verse of my first pain
Let the voices come barrelling back

‘Cause I can stand to stay right where I am
Let the water fill this hand
Bring it to your mouth
And pass beyond your lips
No gale can down this ship

And I’ll stand on your shoulders
To watch us grow older
I can see us far along the road
As the trail grows deeper
your my giver my keeper
Laughter for years untold

‘Cause I can stand to stay right where I am
Let the water fill this hand
Bring it to your mouth
And pass beyond your lips
No gale can down this ship

And wherever you go there you are
And if I go I won’t go far
Wherever you go
There you are
And if I go I won’t go far

And oh sir
If you ever lose your way
You can call upon this family
You can call upon this day

Indian Moon – State Radio.