Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.

It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

Ironic Happiness in Life

The Contradiction of Connecting

C.R.A.V.E

Do you ever just crave something? Not want, because if it was wanting then there is more ambition to obtain it, but just crave, something that sits on your mind in the back of your head and lingers on for a while. Not the crave of food, or going to a familiar place, but a crave within yourself.

Lately there has been a sense of nostalgia inside me, I am not happy, yet I am not sad. It seems to stir in the middle of things, and I do not know how to care for this feeling.  My thoughts trail into simple human needs, to feel craved, to feel wanted, to be given some form of attention, and yet I want nothing more but to be left alone, I want to sit in a corner and watch life happen before me in this neutral expression, and I can’t help but to feel so out of place, like I know my body is there, but I am not.

I realized how empty I was feeling while I sat aside from being social today, I sat and watched, the life happen before me, the slow intoxication of liquor fill my friends, the flirty talks and dancing, and all I wanted was to just be in a bubble, to sit in the corner and just stare, and all I wanted was for someone to just come up to me and say “hey wanna talk about something”

Perhaps silly conversations about partying and drinking bore me, the consumption of forgetting yourself for a few hours seems low, yet lately its all that has been tempting me, fully aware that it cannot always be used as an escape.

This isn’t a crave for sex, or flirty attention, no what I crave is something deeper, something honest and soul worthy, something with a real connection. I find myself being an envious person during my observations, watching people connect is so beautiful it makes me wonder if I ever even had that with anyone. Publicly displaying their open souls, knowing that the room is full, yet to them its only them. I admire people who can connect without the care of the judgements around them, without caring about anything or any labels, but you see the happiness on their faces, and you can tell that there is no emptiness inside them, in that very moment they just connect, I suppose that is what bothers me, it angers me, I am trying to figure out how to fill this missing void inside me, where to find this form of happiness without having it backfire in my face, my past is enough to have taught me not to go down certain paths.

Yet my mind keeps contradicting itself, I want connection, yet I want to be alone.

And then I remember how angry I feel

How damaged I became.

How empty I am inside.

How broken I am, with what I am trying to heal.

How tired my body and soul is.

How numb the world looks to me now.

And I think, why would anyone even try to connect with someone as fucked up as I am right now?

It is human nature to want to connect to something, or to someone, to feel recognized and appreciated. Nobody likes the idea of temporary when they find something so great in their lives.  Perhaps what I am craving is a connection where I can be me, a fully open human being, I am craving for someone to just listen, and yet I have the hardest time finding the trust to place in people. Everything sets me on edge, and I find it driving me insane.

How do you connect with someone that cannot open up, yet wants to open up?

 

The Contradiction of Connecting

The Weekend- Wicked Games (Huglife remix)

Ive been doing a lot of music hunting and listening, and this artist I discovered recently name is HugLife, if you haven’t heard any of his other music be sure to check out his sound cloud.
Another favorite one is the Kid Cudi ft MGMT pursuit of Happiness… and the Lana Del Rey Y&B (hug life Remix)
I can’t begin to say how much music has been holding me down into this sanity level lately…

Listen and vibe with it.
*fly*

Video

Optional Transitions.

Do we just grow? Or simply transition into a merely new person? Like snakes, shed our old skin to leave behind, transparent and dry.

I start with a question, I suppose our lives are always built on questions, we ask, we seek, we satisfy our curiosity.

I have lost base with myself, the priorities and importance of my own happiness, the endless nights of just aimlessly not sleeping, staying up into a depression as I would attempt to cry myself into sleep. For weeks it was like this, I coward away and made my mistakes that I regretted.

The true beauty of it all though?

I took them in, I admitted my faults, accepted my flaws, took control over how my happiness should be for me; my self content is for me, not to please others, not to change myself for the likes.

I am who I am, and I like who I am, I make my improvements as they come, not for others, not to stay attractive to them, but for me.

I love summer, I suppose it is that time to make the changes, and have fun. The care-free spirit sets in and everything is so light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEW THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t begin to explain anything anymore, the laziness, I have no explanation as to why, and frankly I just do not seem to care.

I start my days just fine, eat well, do something active, I’ve noticed less tummy chub which I am pleased about and I finally am gaining some form of financial substance from my job.

I am just doing what I enjoy, while enjoying the fun that comes through along the way.

Can I be honest?

Half the time I have no idea what the fuck I am doing, but there is something I enjoy about being spontaneous.

Fuck it, it is summer  after all, why stress it?

 

 

Optional Transitions.

Games, Torments and Positive Thoughts.

Everything is a game.

A wise move, and then the next is played.

There are no winners, because we always end up losing something, sacrificing, or just letting go.

I tend to ponder upon what my next moves are, it is an idea haunting me at any hour of my days.

I can sit in one place and suddenly BAM it hits me… the thoughts come flushing through me.

My love life, My work life, My home life.

The many lives we come to live all at once to balance in this endless dance of unknown motion.

The personal knick-knacks that seem to hang on a swinging hinge.

Although it has yet to hit me.

No sudden realization, there is no “AH-HA” moment for me.

Yet… is a positive attitude the blinding reason to things?

When someone has lived for so long seeing only good in life and people, it makes it hard to change that view point, even if life and people have not been so kind in return.

I find any excuse of a chance to see the positive.

So when do the games end, and what more will I have to sacrifice, lose, and let go of in order to achieve a sense of reality and life.

An accomplishment can only satisfy for so long, until a craving rises again.

 

Games, Torments and Positive Thoughts.

Mind in Motion

My head seems to be in an eternal spinning motion.

And yet I seem okay, enjoy the fresh air and weather and yet my self-destruct mode continues.

The extreme is utter craziness… but I love extreme.

The thrills is probably more arousing than sex itself.

I could go cliff diving, and jumping off bridges.

I want to loose it all and not look back on what was left.

I start simply with my mind in a haze, the good kind of haze.

My impulsive mind begins…

Aside

FLIPPED

In this world Figure A, is no longer a black sheep but the golden one. Figure A has everything in place and a world so perfectly laid out. Figure A is not misbehaving and is doing what they are told. Figure A is no longer Figure B. Figure B on the other hand is now in question of sanity, the mental state in which they think. Figure A worries about figure B, and wonders about the morals. Figure A was taught to be faithful towards the loved ones, just like Figure B. And when figure A finally is grabbing a hold of life, the relationship, the job, the well everything, they notice figure B starting to slowly diminish that. Figure A is conflicted with telling Figure C, knowing though it might hurt Figure B. Figure B is a liar, they are a cheating un grateful liar. It is as if Figure B is no longer even recognizable, there is no shame in Figure B. It is funny how things flip, life makes these small changes and suddenly Figure A doesn’t feel so guilty about making this about them. Making it their summer to travel and fall in love, or well deeper in love. Figure A has no regrets in knowing that they are keeping all of their sanity. Their only disappointment although is Figure B, what is to become of that?

 

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Happy Readings.

 

FLIPPED