The Devil’s Playmate Prt 1

    Pacing my footsteps through the woods, ashes of leaves  with brittle twigs cracking on the ground, echoing through the naked trees. My breath heavy with peril, I stop and listen, it is silent. I am in my own solitude, a simplistic hell, where the nightmares are the reality and the beast is more than just a friend, but a dark lover of past youthful dreams, and he is vividly beautiful. Luring me in deeper into the forest, where the trees were scorched and hovered with their twisted curling branches, arching and encasing the dark, with only a shadow to see. He holds his hand out, so gracefully, with lust tainted on his fingertips. I am hesitant from a far.
“Wait! Don’t leave me”
    I take a step forward and the rustle of the ground starts to fade away. He has moved only deeper and I follow, I cannot help but to follow him. The yearning to see him once more, to catch a glimpse of what temptation has to offer.   

“Find me”

I hear his voice bounce off, a playful tone because to him it was a game.
    His seductive voice finally fades and I stood there, mixed emotions racing through my blood and bones.
  

 “I know what you are thinking” I can feel his smile linger through those words “If you turn around now and head back, you will never know…don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to feel?”
    

I become disconnected with my body, my feet take their own steps and I felt his presence grow stronger. I hold my arms out in hopes he will guide me.
  

 “Where are you going?” He questioned as I followed the shadow.
    “Why are you doing this to me?” I asked
    “Doing what?”
    “All of this. Why are you hurting me, tempting me, seducing me”
    

A laughed erupted and then his footsteps picked up again, and I ran after. Silly me, a girl running after someone so forbidden, I just wanted to see him, touch his skin and feel the rush of euphoric impulse
  

 “And yet you still follow aimlessly girl! You follow only because you are scared”

I froze, the air grew cold, sending shrivers through my spine. He continued speaking,

“You think you have nothing left, so in desperation you follow what cannot be touched but only wanted, and forever you shall want, you will have eternal desire with no satisfaction, that is your hell”
    

He stands a couple feet away, just out of arms reach, and I stare into his face. He is so beautiful, it is almost unrealistic. The grey eyes contrasting with the trees, burning with anticipation, and yet he was ever so smooth, the way he stood, like a tree itself. Swaying lightly, yet maintaining the strong pose rooted into the ashes.
    Sending chills with the wind making the hairs on my arms stand, I stared at him and moved forward. He held his hands out and smiled
  

 “Come to me my love”
    “I am” I stumbled “I am trying”
    “Come closer, Don’t worry I won’t run away”
    “It’s a trick” I hesitated “You always play these mind games, I know you”
    “Don’t you trust me?” he frowned.

I stopped, his body leaned closer, I was only feet away from him, I could smell his cologne, it flared up my nostrils with the aroma.
    “Turn around” he calmly told me.
I trust him at my most vulnerable spot, I trust him with my back turned to the devil himself.
        “Close your eyes now” I felt my eyes close shut, and now I saw nothing, I listened to the crunch of footsteps now shuffling behind me.
    Placing his fingers firmly on my shoulders as my back faced him, I could feel his breath in my ear, slowly making its way down my neck. His hands traced my arms and rested on my hips as he pulled me in closer to him.
    “Play with me” he moved his hands “Come on Babe” he nudged me in closer.
I felt his softened lips press against my neck, each letting a small breath to escape from my mouth. Leaving marks that burned and I loved it.
As his lips pressed more fiercely, his hands rushed through my body, leaving every spot untouched. And I could feel all of him as he pressed me against his body. I wanted to turn around, I wanted to feel that burn on my lips, the impulse of the sultry hands.

I wanted him.

 

– M

So here is a part of a story, I randomly decided to write, I figured I would not burden you with my silly rants and actually give my readers something I find decent enough to share. Please Comment,  Critic, Follow and all that other good stuff! I will appreciate it so much!

Happy Readings 🙂

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The Devil’s Playmate Prt 1

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

What I see, is a game and tracks
I don’t call myself a player,
But thats exactly what I am doing.

Just a girl, having her fun.
Fun. That kind of fun.
The fun where you make heads turn.
The fun where you just linger on their lips and nothing else.
The fun where you run your fingers through their hair and bite your lip
The fun where you have guys falling at you.
The fun where you watch them want you.
And you just tease them so they believe it.
There is a chance.
And you bash your eyelashes and smile.
You wear your makeup to hide your face.
You just play it, you make a show, the ideal performer.
You deserve a Grammy, or some big award
You make people want you, and yet the one
You actually want, doesn’t want you.

And when they start to want something more,
Start to feel and demand something, try to tie those strings
Like a puppet, like a leash, Before they can even put it around your wrist…
You cleverly just disappear.
You become no one.
Just THAT girl, an old memory,
A one night stand, a random hookup.
Because for you, you’d rather just be
Known as that girl,
Not as their girl, not anyone’s girl.

Learning to do this without feeling.
What they feel, I feel nothing.
It’s a joke, a game.
And I am the main player, the center piece.
The trophy everyone wants to reach for.
And yet he seems to be the only able to take it.
he has taken it before, so now to him
It’s a memory game.
That is why he keeps on winning.
A victory!

Maybe a new person hasn’t reached that level,
They’re still stuck on some other obstacle course
They have not been able to surpass it because of obstacles of some sort.
They have not defeated that big boss at the end of the castle.
Is that me? Am I the big boss, or is it he,
not letting anyone through?
I am my own obstacle, my own mind and morals.

Why have I turned into this kind of person?
This person who just doesn’t care about people,
Selfish? Am i?
Am I selfish for just trying to do me.
Ha! Shallow? ME?!
Yes, I am shallow, with reasons.
Trying to dedicate myself to me, and not some other incompetent ass?
That is a fair excuse isn’t it? Just trying to do me, there is no harm in that.
Nobody said I was not allowed to just figure out what makes me happy,
who makes me happy.
And how they make me happy.

So yea, I guess I just straight up told myself,
Play it all and risk it,
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Be the player,
And always remember,
Don’t take it too seriously,
After all it is only a game.

 

Happy readings!

– Marz

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Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Keep Saying it, Again and Again.

Have you ever said a word so many times
That it lost its meaning?
FUCK,
I know I have.
Have you ever fucked someone
So many times,
That it lost it’s meaning?
Its like a fuck you
To me.
With the same lips that stated I loved you.
Love you, Loved you,
Fuck you.

That same fuck you,
That pushed you in farther

and gripped your body

with the whisper of
“fuck me”
You fucked me
You fucked me over so bad.
And then you fucked me again

Fuck

The word that stays with the mind.
A word meaning the pleasure and anger
Don’t get that mixed up with the other.
And its a scramble, a mind fuck
A monster coming out to toy with us.
And yet I let it.

Fuck,

Fuck me
I let you.
Then I am angry
So I scream “FUCK YOU.”
And the sly face,
The side smile
The charming eyes
The hands that are placed so cleverly
The temptations.
I fall, into that pit were the walls are too slippery to climb out from.

My own
Living
Breathing
Hell.

I fuck you.

I fuck you better than anyone.
You return the favor.
For those moments,
those hours,
I feel special,
I feel special being fucked
Not loved, fucked.

And I keep using that word
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Until it looses it’s meaning.
And we keep fucking
Until that looses it’s feelings.
HA! Now how fucked up is that…

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Happy readings 🙂

– Marz

Keep Saying it, Again and Again.

We, He, She, Them, They, Us and Me.

They don’t get it, so they pick at it.
I don’t get it, so I just leave it
We don’t get it because its a cycle.

They don’t get it because there is to much disfunction.
I don’t get it because I feel so confused
We don’t get it, because there is no control.

They need to stop, the malicious jokes that itch my skin.
I need to stop, the act of pretending to go along with it so I don’t get judged.
We need to stop this, us, all of it.

They need to stop with the assumptions, because they don’t really know the truth.
I need to stop with the shortcuts I find to avoid things and run away.
We need to stop, before another person gets hurt.

They don’t seem to see the emotions I carry and think that what they say is fine.
I don’t seem to see what the big picture is yet and just accept it.
We don’t seem to see, that perhaps it’s better to stay away.

No one understands anything because it just seems to be a mess.
I don’t understand why it can’t just be cleaned up
We don’t understand what to do anymore.

You don’t get it that I don’t want anything anymore
You need to stop picking at what is already damaged
You don’t seem to see that I don’t want you.
You don’t understand that there is nothing intimate between us.

It’s finished.
This is finished
The End.

We, He, She, Them, They, Us and Me.

“Hello, thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

I never thought I would see the day that I could call myself a workaholic. Now don’t get me wrong it isn’t like I exactly LOVE it here, but I don’t mind it. I mean the salary is shit and all but I try my best to be a hard worker and prove myself of value. My life has been consumed with the rambunctious smiles of “hello how are you today? Welcome to (insert name here)” and the “Hello thank you for calling (insert name here) this is Mariana Speaking how May I help you?”  and just slap on a happy smile. I suppose it is no problem to be able to consume your feelings and put all that aside for just a couple of hours, and now I am just thinking, did I really pay all that cash for an acting class when I can get one for free here at work?
Honestly, I think I am more interested in just getting some extra cash at this point than going out to socialize with people and get drunk and do drugs and have sex. There is plenty of time to do that… After school… After work… And after I get myself a car and some habitual place that is semi decent to bring people inside. I have this planned out all in my mind, and I am just trying to find the ways to slowly span it out and make it happen. How will you make this happen? I always ask my self, with time. Everything with time. I realized that recently that things take time. Anyways enough of this, I just have not blogged in the longest time, well that wasn’t true I had a blog post but I had to take it down for personal reason. Although I feel like I have not really been updating in my life. Not that it is anything crazy or interesting, so far it has only been work and school and sometimes the occasional bump in to friends and that two hours of pleasure I just take to hang out with them before I run to work to enjoy the new experiences and crazy people and some famous people… I guess and the creeps and the cute guys around. So, I suppose it really just beats being at home. It is a real short blog, I am actaully typing this out of boredom and randomness and just because I wanted to.

Anyways,

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Happy Readings 🙂

Mariana

“Hello, thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

HAPPY F@$%ING BIRTHDAY?

So as I am here sitting slumped on my couch just watching the hour pass by while watching a crappy scary movie and reminiscing in my last days of being an average 17 year old girl. I never was really into that whole HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY! Kind of shit and just usually look at it in a bitter sweet way. I mean we age everyday right? So why are we taking just one day to recognize that? I mean yes bless this child born today! Harrah! harrah! I think I might just end up like those people who don’t give their kids parties and all, no I think it is fun when your a little kid, there is so much excitement, but for me even turning the big 18, well honestly is not so big. As for birthday wishes? Well my wish I don’t think is that obtainable… And it is not like I can tell you guys well because then it is ruined for me the wish of course.
As usual though, I began to reflect back upon my year. I have to admit, it was quiet an experience and had the many up and downs of any teenage person could probably experience. As I look back, I don’t think it could have gone any different to where I am now. Okay so perhaps a lie, perhaps I do wish SOME things were different, but that is only for me to know. I have missed blogging that is just a side note though. Oh what cliches to say now?
Highschool I will start with that, I liked it, I suppose it was because I just enjoyed the people that I loved being around. I endured through the drama and crazy people, I made some new friends and did a lot of volunteer work for no reason. I struggled through some classes though, but hey, I am not a perfect student, so FUCK IT.  I was able to keep my close friends and was always grateful to have them around. I guess I could say it was also the year of my first actual heartbreak. I lost my grandfather, my cousin and my mentor, and it was hard I suppose getting through those times. I had my rough days of depression and just always being pissed and moody. The fights with my parents and I suppose experiencing arguments in a relationship was also another difference. Sleeping (not in that way guys :P) with someone of the opposite sex. And bonding with people I never thought I could become close to while also catching up with people I lost touch with. Also it was my year of getting super totally drunk off my ass, and I hope it will be the ONLY year that ever happens and having the most hazy night of my life. Doing a lot with theater and trying to make myself more outgoing was also a huge change that happened. And finding a job and actually enjoying it (even though everyone is crazy)
I manage to loose a lot of weight and now back to my healthy weight but still trying to get in shape I guess?
I graduated at 17 years old, and now I actually start school as an 18 year old.

So now I realized, I can vote, buy cigarettes, go to 18+ concerts, have sex with older people without them getting sent to jail…(haha Joking!!), clubs, get a tattoo and a real drivers license! WOO!

So cheers to another new year ( I guess) to start and finish, and congratulations on me for surviving another 366 (this was a leap year) days…

Happy Readings!

– Mariana

HAPPY F@$%ING BIRTHDAY?

“You Never Get What You Want”

I wish sometimes I could just open up.

Just spew out every emotion and thought with no filter in mind, and not care who I was hurting.

I wish that my voice could be as easily heard as my writing can be written.

Why?

Why the hesitation?

If you want something, then you go for it, well I know what I want.

Although what if that something you want is out of your reach and you’re just scared to go for it? Scared to take a step forward in fear of just being pushed away.

So, I just hold my self, I just glue my mouth together and that is that. And then I am just left with the regrets to sit in my mind: of what I could have done, what I should have done, but I didn’t, because I am a coward.

It is my voice, so use it right? After all what harm can you do? People forcing you to speak all the time, giving you a chance to open your mind and let everything unfold, giving you the chance to be hones.

And I just let moments like that pass me by, with simple one syllable words, because I am to scared to be faced with fear and rejection.

Already knowing the answers, so why do I bother to speak up, voicing something for change, but why? When it wont be changed. I understand that, I get it.

I just don’t want that.

I know, I know

“You don’t always Get what YOU want.” *sigh*

 

Happy readings!

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Thanks,

Marz

“You Never Get What You Want”