Games, Torments and Positive Thoughts.

Everything is a game.

A wise move, and then the next is played.

There are no winners, because we always end up losing something, sacrificing, or just letting go.

I tend to ponder upon what my next moves are, it is an idea haunting me at any hour of my days.

I can sit in one place and suddenly BAM it hits me… the thoughts come flushing through me.

My love life, My work life, My home life.

The many lives we come to live all at once to balance in this endless dance of unknown motion.

The personal knick-knacks that seem to hang on a swinging hinge.

Although it has yet to hit me.

No sudden realization, there is no “AH-HA” moment for me.

Yet… is a positive attitude the blinding reason to things?

When someone has lived for so long seeing only good in life and people, it makes it hard to change that view point, even if life and people have not been so kind in return.

I find any excuse of a chance to see the positive.

So when do the games end, and what more will I have to sacrifice, lose, and let go of in order to achieve a sense of reality and life.

An accomplishment can only satisfy for so long, until a craving rises again.

 

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Games, Torments and Positive Thoughts.

The Devil’s Playmate Prt 1

    Pacing my footsteps through the woods, ashes of leaves  with brittle twigs cracking on the ground, echoing through the naked trees. My breath heavy with peril, I stop and listen, it is silent. I am in my own solitude, a simplistic hell, where the nightmares are the reality and the beast is more than just a friend, but a dark lover of past youthful dreams, and he is vividly beautiful. Luring me in deeper into the forest, where the trees were scorched and hovered with their twisted curling branches, arching and encasing the dark, with only a shadow to see. He holds his hand out, so gracefully, with lust tainted on his fingertips. I am hesitant from a far.
“Wait! Don’t leave me”
    I take a step forward and the rustle of the ground starts to fade away. He has moved only deeper and I follow, I cannot help but to follow him. The yearning to see him once more, to catch a glimpse of what temptation has to offer.   

“Find me”

I hear his voice bounce off, a playful tone because to him it was a game.
    His seductive voice finally fades and I stood there, mixed emotions racing through my blood and bones.
  

 “I know what you are thinking” I can feel his smile linger through those words “If you turn around now and head back, you will never know…don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to feel?”
    

I become disconnected with my body, my feet take their own steps and I felt his presence grow stronger. I hold my arms out in hopes he will guide me.
  

 “Where are you going?” He questioned as I followed the shadow.
    “Why are you doing this to me?” I asked
    “Doing what?”
    “All of this. Why are you hurting me, tempting me, seducing me”
    

A laughed erupted and then his footsteps picked up again, and I ran after. Silly me, a girl running after someone so forbidden, I just wanted to see him, touch his skin and feel the rush of euphoric impulse
  

 “And yet you still follow aimlessly girl! You follow only because you are scared”

I froze, the air grew cold, sending shrivers through my spine. He continued speaking,

“You think you have nothing left, so in desperation you follow what cannot be touched but only wanted, and forever you shall want, you will have eternal desire with no satisfaction, that is your hell”
    

He stands a couple feet away, just out of arms reach, and I stare into his face. He is so beautiful, it is almost unrealistic. The grey eyes contrasting with the trees, burning with anticipation, and yet he was ever so smooth, the way he stood, like a tree itself. Swaying lightly, yet maintaining the strong pose rooted into the ashes.
    Sending chills with the wind making the hairs on my arms stand, I stared at him and moved forward. He held his hands out and smiled
  

 “Come to me my love”
    “I am” I stumbled “I am trying”
    “Come closer, Don’t worry I won’t run away”
    “It’s a trick” I hesitated “You always play these mind games, I know you”
    “Don’t you trust me?” he frowned.

I stopped, his body leaned closer, I was only feet away from him, I could smell his cologne, it flared up my nostrils with the aroma.
    “Turn around” he calmly told me.
I trust him at my most vulnerable spot, I trust him with my back turned to the devil himself.
        “Close your eyes now” I felt my eyes close shut, and now I saw nothing, I listened to the crunch of footsteps now shuffling behind me.
    Placing his fingers firmly on my shoulders as my back faced him, I could feel his breath in my ear, slowly making its way down my neck. His hands traced my arms and rested on my hips as he pulled me in closer to him.
    “Play with me” he moved his hands “Come on Babe” he nudged me in closer.
I felt his softened lips press against my neck, each letting a small breath to escape from my mouth. Leaving marks that burned and I loved it.
As his lips pressed more fiercely, his hands rushed through my body, leaving every spot untouched. And I could feel all of him as he pressed me against his body. I wanted to turn around, I wanted to feel that burn on my lips, the impulse of the sultry hands.

I wanted him.

 

– M

So here is a part of a story, I randomly decided to write, I figured I would not burden you with my silly rants and actually give my readers something I find decent enough to share. Please Comment,  Critic, Follow and all that other good stuff! I will appreciate it so much!

Happy Readings 🙂

The Devil’s Playmate Prt 1

Observant, Hesitant and Fearful.

“Fear is the Heart of love”- Death Cab for Cutie

That stance always stood out to me.

What a cliche I know, but

the more I look at it the more it

makes sense.

Things are in such a great place,

I am scared,

I am careful,

every word and move I make, I watch.

I am hesitant.

There is much fear in me because I love.

Nobody wants to ruin something they love.

I know for sure,

I do not.

When there is a want, not lust,

WANT.

I want you,

I can’t lose you,

You are my golden possession

and I am terrified.

There is this feeling in me

that knows something bad might happen.

Not knowing is just endlessly torturous.

This fear is endless.

This love, is fear.

Happy Readings!

Like/Follow/Comment/Share.

– Marz

Observant, Hesitant and Fearful.

Hallmarks, Rants and Patheticness.

I am allowed to be in a rant right? Nobody ever said that was not allowed. After all this is my blog, and I think I can freely express myself as I please to do. So… where have I been in my own life? Well there are my days where I stop and think “Marz, what in the hell are you doing with yourself?” And the sad part is, I can not answer to that properly because truthfully I do not even know. What human actually enjoys being put through endless loops and routines?

I don’t like to think that I am selfish or anything, but I just feel like it is time that I deserve something, after everything… no that is horrible of me to say. I think I just deserve some respect and each time I feel like I lose more and more dignity in myself. There is a battle that I seek, a fight. You know, someone to fight for you and have that fear. Cliche? And as this dreaded hallmark holiday draws closer, I cannot help to feel even more un-wanted. I lied, I cannot say that I am not wanted, because I am, although not for the reasons that I wish to be. The want that I seek, well *sigh*…

I can’t, anyways should I just continue ranting about my lack of trust in people, the lonesome feelings, wah wah wah, who called in the WAHmbulence….

Pathetic, I am a pathetic teenage human.

I always like to keep in mind though:

That I am special, and someone grand deserves me… someone with so much love in themselves is going to find me and share that with me. And they will be afraid to lose me, and they will protect and care, and I shall do the same in return.

Oh what a cliche,

anyways.

Who will be my valentines this year? I suppose I can share that after.

Happy Single Awareness day, I mean Valentines day 🙂

 

Hallmarks, Rants and Patheticness.

A Random at the Bar

December 28th, 2012

I shared my deepest thoughts with someone,
He was a random at the bar.
I noticed he liked to draw and write, like so I figured in a sense we were not that different.
It was near closing time and the kitchen had already shut down, the bar was empty except for a couple all the way at the other end, and while my shift was done.
I decided to stay a little longer and talk.
Socialize I suppose you can say.
He asked me those generic questions, the ones where it just surfaces the life of someone.
I told him how I admired his pictures and art work,
The way he was so freely expressive.
He asked me what I did on my free time, or when things got boring.
“ I write, write what I see and feel, write about anything, and sometimes I draw”
I told him about this small travel notebook I carry with me everywhere.
He asked me if I had it with me.
I walked back to the desk where my bag was hiding and pulled out my leather black small notebook.
It had my most intimate thoughts and dreams, my moments in life that I had surpassed.
It had everything. And never once have I shared it with anyone.
He asked to see it, but I never thought he would actaully look through it.
I saw his eyes skim, he pointed at certain things, laughed and questioned.
When he finally put it down he looked up at me and said
“You are one angry horny teenager”
I cooly just replied “Nothing wrong with feeling a little anger and pleasure, such opposite feelings, women write and read erotic things, men watch porn. Give us credit for at least using our imagination, women are so shut in by society and given labels for simply enjoying sex, don’t you think that should be broken by now?”
He just simply nodded his head and smiled in defeat and said “yea, I was like that when I was your age”
He was a random at the bar, for a moment I showed who I was as a person.
And it was accepted, there was that great feeling of connection and acceptance,
Finding someone who gets you, who knows you, because at some point
They were you.

A Random at the Bar

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

What I see, is a game and tracks
I don’t call myself a player,
But thats exactly what I am doing.

Just a girl, having her fun.
Fun. That kind of fun.
The fun where you make heads turn.
The fun where you just linger on their lips and nothing else.
The fun where you run your fingers through their hair and bite your lip
The fun where you have guys falling at you.
The fun where you watch them want you.
And you just tease them so they believe it.
There is a chance.
And you bash your eyelashes and smile.
You wear your makeup to hide your face.
You just play it, you make a show, the ideal performer.
You deserve a Grammy, or some big award
You make people want you, and yet the one
You actually want, doesn’t want you.

And when they start to want something more,
Start to feel and demand something, try to tie those strings
Like a puppet, like a leash, Before they can even put it around your wrist…
You cleverly just disappear.
You become no one.
Just THAT girl, an old memory,
A one night stand, a random hookup.
Because for you, you’d rather just be
Known as that girl,
Not as their girl, not anyone’s girl.

Learning to do this without feeling.
What they feel, I feel nothing.
It’s a joke, a game.
And I am the main player, the center piece.
The trophy everyone wants to reach for.
And yet he seems to be the only able to take it.
he has taken it before, so now to him
It’s a memory game.
That is why he keeps on winning.
A victory!

Maybe a new person hasn’t reached that level,
They’re still stuck on some other obstacle course
They have not been able to surpass it because of obstacles of some sort.
They have not defeated that big boss at the end of the castle.
Is that me? Am I the big boss, or is it he,
not letting anyone through?
I am my own obstacle, my own mind and morals.

Why have I turned into this kind of person?
This person who just doesn’t care about people,
Selfish? Am i?
Am I selfish for just trying to do me.
Ha! Shallow? ME?!
Yes, I am shallow, with reasons.
Trying to dedicate myself to me, and not some other incompetent ass?
That is a fair excuse isn’t it? Just trying to do me, there is no harm in that.
Nobody said I was not allowed to just figure out what makes me happy,
who makes me happy.
And how they make me happy.

So yea, I guess I just straight up told myself,
Play it all and risk it,
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Be the player,
And always remember,
Don’t take it too seriously,
After all it is only a game.

 

Happy readings!

– Marz

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Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!