I feel like curling into a small ball and just sleeping everything off. Ever have those days? Where you just feel so emotionally unstable?
No I don’t think I can call myself that, I feel pretty stable, perhaps it is the sudden frustration with the idea of having all these emotions and not being able to do a thing about them. Letting things play out, stop worrying about tomorrow and enjoy what there is to offer in the moment. So why is it that I am just not enjoying that. We tend to always hang on to a little beckon of hope, yet we always are preparing for the worst to come, we tend to stay more on the negative effects rather than the positives.
I am losing my patience and becoming more frustrated again and just preparing myself for the negative emotions, perhaps I have just seemed to have trained my body like that. Or maybe it is just already in us.It is draining life from me, of what was started, ended, started again, and just not coming to it’s end. The confusion of emotions and reaction. Everything has a reaction, a neutral reaction an explosive reaction. I just seem to be torn in both.
I can’t force things to happen, only let my surroundings aware. Although even with all the honesty I can lay out I don’t see any change and then that is where my frustration starts, I assume, I lash out, then I just become defensive.
Is any of this healthy? This circle? This endless loop of No! Yes! Maybe so? I want… Go away! I need you! Not really…? Lets end this. Come over. (Oh god, now I am just beginning to sound like some cliche Taylor Swift song)
This can’t be healthy can it, so why stay with all this?
Who knows, perhaps deep inside I do know, but I am just to scared to say my reasons why.  So let me just scratch my head on this one, and continue acting dumb. I will laugh it off and keep it to myself in hopes that it turns out just alright.

What do you really want? I always ask myself this questions, what deep down in your gut feels right to you? Your interests in career, fashion, money, love. What is worth keeping and letting go, and is it even worth the trouble dealing with. I am young after all and for the moment I have time on my side.
So if I am able to comprehend everything for what it is, and grasp the main points, why am I just endlessly confused. In the mean time, my actions of moving forward could either gain positive points or negative, again depends on what I am trying to achieve. Perhaps because in my mind I like knowing for sure everything, I can only see things as black and white, yes or no. There is no middle filling, it just is what it is, and not knowing what it is can lead to: an over fried brain, low tolerance for bullshit, poor communication and jealousy. Over all just something messy and something I don’t want/need to deal with.
My only solution for the moment is just going with the flow, don’t take the small things in life so seriously but still be able to figure out what I want to do with it, save the social and “love” for last, and let the time just decide for it’s self. In the mean time, you will find me curled up in a ball under my blankets in my tiny twin bed, as I try to sort through my complex mind of what if’s and what is not, the yes, no’s maybe so, and the what I want and what I don’t.


Love, Loss, and Mexico.

I think my main reason why I am dying to go back to Mexico is because as time goes on, I just feel like I am slowly losing my family. People passing away, and it pains me knowing that I could have gotten to know them better, and love them better. I could have been there more often. These few years I have come close to losing to many people in that way, and I understand it is a part of life, but there is just so much regret and repent. I just can’t seem to get the few moments I had spent with my grandparents, the day I went over to my cousins house. These little memories that linger on my mind.
When my parents leave to catch a flight, and it is always around the cold months. Last year I spent New Years without my dad, and I lost my grandfather, I am only praying that this year it won’t have to be Christmas,
I love it here, but I also love my family, and the fact that I only had the chance to see them so few times, for only a month or two, it bothers me. I miss everything, my cousins growing up, the new babies and the parties. And it does bother me, because there isn’t anything I can do but just smile, comment, like a photo here and there, facebook and skype. And that is as close as I will get. I can never seem to get things out of my head, I can’t come to the reality that one day they are there, and the next, its like they are just gone and they stay gone, you won’t peek your head through the next day in their room and expect them to be there.
I am so scared to spend my life with someone, for that reason. I am so scared of death, not of me, but for my loved ones. Knowing that someday they won’t be there next to me, knowing that one day I will have to say goodbye to my dog, my parents, my sister, my partner.

It’s so morbid and twisted, me an 18 year old girl sorting her thoughts about loss. Who the hell does this?

Maybe it is normal, it is what everyone thinks about at some point, although I am just more open to talk about it, to expose it, show awareness, I don’t hide it away.

Although really, who does this kind of shit?

I suppose I do, when its those late nights, when you just are sick and tired of receiving those late night calls, bearing nothing but bad news.

Love, Loss, and Mexico.

Hello Highschool?

I went to visit my high school today with my friend as she came back from college.We had a blast driving around blasting music and catching up on our polar lives. We decided to take a trip to our old high school and surprise some familiar faces. It was a lot of fun seeing everyone again and I was so happy to see all my theater friends and just the theater in general, really just makes you realize how much people actually valued your presence and friendship with their heart warming hugs and screams of joy as they ran down a hallway to say hello. I was ecstatic to run into all my teachers (that I actually bonded with) like all my social studies teachers, my economics teacher, Spanish teacher, English and my wise and hilariously witty guidance counselor.  Walking around with my good friend Ethan as we caught up on things while my other friend Neha was in search for her own teachers we decided to make a stop at my old locker and in doubt that it would open since they supposedly change the locks when the seniors graduate, I tried my old combination and *alakazam!* it opened.

Jumping and screaming up and down as I looked inside with my signature and a random doodle I was laughing hysterically and felt a tug on my hair as a random girl mistaken me for someone else, which just made me laugh even more. I have forgotten how funny highschool was, and all the kids and the crazyness. And to think that so much can change in just a couple of months!

I was walking around calling my teachers by their first names and making fun of them, and while they asked me questions like how was college and where my life is going and plans. A lot also asked about my ex (I guess we were well known around high school), but I just said “he’s good, just chilling” but it’s not like I needed to go into details about that.  I just had not realized how much people actually took noticed. So here is a bit of advice, if you ever just feel like unimportant or not missed, head back to high school and visit some familiar faces you had not seen in a while. It really just made my day to see everyone again. 🙂


Happy readings 🙂



p.s – What was your most memorable moment of highschool?

Hello Highschool?

Move on…said the Brain… it would be easy.

So I was basically just told to move on, move on from my past and find myself into a new future.

Well, I understand that I suppose, it is one thing to understand and another thing to actually put forth the action. How though? How am I suppose to move on when my own brain doesn’t let me?

Fuck you brain for tormenting my head, placing the old great memories and laughs and in bed cuddles and naps, and all of that other good shit. That hurt brain, did you know, it was not fun waking up to the crusty eyes again and a small heart ache and an even more painful sore throat. Either my brain is just trying to make my life a living hell or it’s just a sign.

Sign of what though?

There is no fear of being alone, I have been alone, I suppose  it is more of a fear of being forgotten, being replaced. Nobody likes being replaced, we are not old filters or peeling paint walls.

Or perhaps it is not even the idea of having some form of relationship, maybe perhaps I am that shallow to think that it is the intimacy part that I will be missing more than the actaul effort I had to put in with the relationship. Could it be I am just more attracted into the physical than dealing with the emotional shit? Oh arn’t I so classy… No, I don’t think I am that shallow. Perhaps its just the idea of missing all that, the feeling of someone being attracted to me, feeling of being wanted.

You have to go through a few bad eggs before you find the golden one 

So my question is… how many more bad eggs do I have to go through? Only with time right?

Brain, I must tell you though, it was not fair any of it, and to be honest, I deserved better than to be treated like that, because I am a better person. I did not do anything wrong, they have no reason to find me evil in any way just because I express myself on a blog. I don’t think that balances out anyways. Truthful blogs posts < to what they have done….

Aye Mariana, Mariana, what are you going to do with your complicated thoguhts?

I know, remain that hermit I was before, no bad idea. I shall break out of that shell, find myself, find the others who are meant to be in my life.

Happy readings.

Comment/give advice!/ follow/like  

– Mariana

Move on…said the Brain… it would be easy.

Keep Saying it, Again and Again.

Have you ever said a word so many times
That it lost its meaning?
I know I have.
Have you ever fucked someone
So many times,
That it lost it’s meaning?
Its like a fuck you
To me.
With the same lips that stated I loved you.
Love you, Loved you,
Fuck you.

That same fuck you,
That pushed you in farther

and gripped your body

with the whisper of
“fuck me”
You fucked me
You fucked me over so bad.
And then you fucked me again


The word that stays with the mind.
A word meaning the pleasure and anger
Don’t get that mixed up with the other.
And its a scramble, a mind fuck
A monster coming out to toy with us.
And yet I let it.


Fuck me
I let you.
Then I am angry
So I scream “FUCK YOU.”
And the sly face,
The side smile
The charming eyes
The hands that are placed so cleverly
The temptations.
I fall, into that pit were the walls are too slippery to climb out from.

My own

I fuck you.

I fuck you better than anyone.
You return the favor.
For those moments,
those hours,
I feel special,
I feel special being fucked
Not loved, fucked.

And I keep using that word
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Until it looses it’s meaning.
And we keep fucking
Until that looses it’s feelings.
HA! Now how fucked up is that…


Happy readings 🙂

– Marz

Keep Saying it, Again and Again.

“Hello, thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

I never thought I would see the day that I could call myself a workaholic. Now don’t get me wrong it isn’t like I exactly LOVE it here, but I don’t mind it. I mean the salary is shit and all but I try my best to be a hard worker and prove myself of value. My life has been consumed with the rambunctious smiles of “hello how are you today? Welcome to (insert name here)” and the “Hello thank you for calling (insert name here) this is Mariana Speaking how May I help you?”  and just slap on a happy smile. I suppose it is no problem to be able to consume your feelings and put all that aside for just a couple of hours, and now I am just thinking, did I really pay all that cash for an acting class when I can get one for free here at work?
Honestly, I think I am more interested in just getting some extra cash at this point than going out to socialize with people and get drunk and do drugs and have sex. There is plenty of time to do that… After school… After work… And after I get myself a car and some habitual place that is semi decent to bring people inside. I have this planned out all in my mind, and I am just trying to find the ways to slowly span it out and make it happen. How will you make this happen? I always ask my self, with time. Everything with time. I realized that recently that things take time. Anyways enough of this, I just have not blogged in the longest time, well that wasn’t true I had a blog post but I had to take it down for personal reason. Although I feel like I have not really been updating in my life. Not that it is anything crazy or interesting, so far it has only been work and school and sometimes the occasional bump in to friends and that two hours of pleasure I just take to hang out with them before I run to work to enjoy the new experiences and crazy people and some famous people… I guess and the creeps and the cute guys around. So, I suppose it really just beats being at home. It is a real short blog, I am actaully typing this out of boredom and randomness and just because I wanted to.


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Happy Readings 🙂


“Hello, thank you for calling, how may I help you?”


So as I am here sitting slumped on my couch just watching the hour pass by while watching a crappy scary movie and reminiscing in my last days of being an average 17 year old girl. I never was really into that whole HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY! Kind of shit and just usually look at it in a bitter sweet way. I mean we age everyday right? So why are we taking just one day to recognize that? I mean yes bless this child born today! Harrah! harrah! I think I might just end up like those people who don’t give their kids parties and all, no I think it is fun when your a little kid, there is so much excitement, but for me even turning the big 18, well honestly is not so big. As for birthday wishes? Well my wish I don’t think is that obtainable… And it is not like I can tell you guys well because then it is ruined for me the wish of course.
As usual though, I began to reflect back upon my year. I have to admit, it was quiet an experience and had the many up and downs of any teenage person could probably experience. As I look back, I don’t think it could have gone any different to where I am now. Okay so perhaps a lie, perhaps I do wish SOME things were different, but that is only for me to know. I have missed blogging that is just a side note though. Oh what cliches to say now?
Highschool I will start with that, I liked it, I suppose it was because I just enjoyed the people that I loved being around. I endured through the drama and crazy people, I made some new friends and did a lot of volunteer work for no reason. I struggled through some classes though, but hey, I am not a perfect student, so FUCK IT.  I was able to keep my close friends and was always grateful to have them around. I guess I could say it was also the year of my first actual heartbreak. I lost my grandfather, my cousin and my mentor, and it was hard I suppose getting through those times. I had my rough days of depression and just always being pissed and moody. The fights with my parents and I suppose experiencing arguments in a relationship was also another difference. Sleeping (not in that way guys :P) with someone of the opposite sex. And bonding with people I never thought I could become close to while also catching up with people I lost touch with. Also it was my year of getting super totally drunk off my ass, and I hope it will be the ONLY year that ever happens and having the most hazy night of my life. Doing a lot with theater and trying to make myself more outgoing was also a huge change that happened. And finding a job and actually enjoying it (even though everyone is crazy)
I manage to loose a lot of weight and now back to my healthy weight but still trying to get in shape I guess?
I graduated at 17 years old, and now I actually start school as an 18 year old.

So now I realized, I can vote, buy cigarettes, go to 18+ concerts, have sex with older people without them getting sent to jail…(haha Joking!!), clubs, get a tattoo and a real drivers license! WOO!

So cheers to another new year ( I guess) to start and finish, and congratulations on me for surviving another 366 (this was a leap year) days…

Happy Readings!

– Mariana