I feel like curling into a small ball and just sleeping everything off. Ever have those days? Where you just feel so emotionally unstable?
No I don’t think I can call myself that, I feel pretty stable, perhaps it is the sudden frustration with the idea of having all these emotions and not being able to do a thing about them. Letting things play out, stop worrying about tomorrow and enjoy what there is to offer in the moment. So why is it that I am just not enjoying that. We tend to always hang on to a little beckon of hope, yet we always are preparing for the worst to come, we tend to stay more on the negative effects rather than the positives.
I am losing my patience and becoming more frustrated again and just preparing myself for the negative emotions, perhaps I have just seemed to have trained my body like that. Or maybe it is just already in us.It is draining life from me, of what was started, ended, started again, and just not coming to it’s end. The confusion of emotions and reaction. Everything has a reaction, a neutral reaction an explosive reaction. I just seem to be torn in both.
I can’t force things to happen, only let my surroundings aware. Although even with all the honesty I can lay out I don’t see any change and then that is where my frustration starts, I assume, I lash out, then I just become defensive.
Is any of this healthy? This circle? This endless loop of No! Yes! Maybe so? I want… Go away! I need you! Not really…? Lets end this. Come over. (Oh god, now I am just beginning to sound like some cliche Taylor Swift song)
This can’t be healthy can it, so why stay with all this?
Who knows, perhaps deep inside I do know, but I am just to scared to say my reasons why. So let me just scratch my head on this one, and continue acting dumb. I will laugh it off and keep it to myself in hopes that it turns out just alright.
What do you really want? I always ask myself this questions, what deep down in your gut feels right to you? Your interests in career, fashion, money, love. What is worth keeping and letting go, and is it even worth the trouble dealing with. I am young after all and for the moment I have time on my side.
So if I am able to comprehend everything for what it is, and grasp the main points, why am I just endlessly confused. In the mean time, my actions of moving forward could either gain positive points or negative, again depends on what I am trying to achieve. Perhaps because in my mind I like knowing for sure everything, I can only see things as black and white, yes or no. There is no middle filling, it just is what it is, and not knowing what it is can lead to: an over fried brain, low tolerance for bullshit, poor communication and jealousy. Over all just something messy and something I don’t want/need to deal with.
My only solution for the moment is just going with the flow, don’t take the small things in life so seriously but still be able to figure out what I want to do with it, save the social and “love” for last, and let the time just decide for it’s self. In the mean time, you will find me curled up in a ball under my blankets in my tiny twin bed, as I try to sort through my complex mind of what if’s and what is not, the yes, no’s maybe so, and the what I want and what I don’t.