Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

I just wanted to say Thank you,

Thank you for making realize all the trauma

That has seeped into my mind.

I want to say how grateful I am that my current lover

will have to endure

With what you have bruised and left behind.

How scummy that is, to clean up all your shit after.

And with time, it’ll be erased

just as I have done

With you.

That my new partner will never be able to grab my wrists,

Without me feeling anxiety

Without me squirming away in fear.

Backing away with tears in my eyes,

Because you have left your permanent scar around them,

Imprinted with your hatred and anger.

They will never gain my full trust.

Because you taught me so well how to hide lies,

So everything they tell me, will be second guessed

With a plethora of doubt.

Thank you for opening my eyes,

How easy it is to cheat, to hide sadness behind smiles.

Thank you for allowing me to perform the greatest theatrical act,

To walk around like I was in the happiest state of mind.

I want to thank you for allowing me to shut myself down

And pushing me to my lowest,

For knowing what depression feels like,

when it comes to opening up.

When my future lover will want me to open up,

I won’t because I will be to scared

Thank you for making me feel disgusted with myself,

Slapping stupidity across my face,

Tattooing “FUCKED UP” and “CRAZY BITCH” on it.

For making my skin crawl, for tainting it with all the other

Skins you passed through and kept so hidden in secret.

Thank you for using me, for throwing guilt into my soul.

Making me believe you had real issues,

convincing me you would end

Your very own life.

Making others believe I was some monster who damaged you.

Thank you for showing me how worthless I was

How much of a whore I became.

Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson in life,

To never let someone who’s already down in their life, bring you even further below them,

To never let anyone tell you what you are worth, to not let anyone make you feel any less or

insecure.

Thank you for introducing me to some of the greatest people out there,

What a pity you don’t see value.

One thing I am genuinely thankful for,

Only thing done right,

Thank you, for getting me into sushi.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you, for wasting my youth away in bullshit.

Thank You, Please Don’t Come Back.

Bed Sheets

It is a feeling out place

when I am not nudged between the sheets

and his body.

Nestled between the moment of bliss and lust

balanced with the perfect shape

between his lips and our fate.

The minds of dreamers mixed with wonders,

and the dash of over thinkers,

 with tucked away secrets

into those bed sheets.

Yet heartbeat at ease calms the youthful minds

proving that life outside is a tease of its own kind

He makes it feel safe

allowing to explore and

to expose my vulnerability.

We play all day, and through the night,

and we seem to forget about life outside

It just him and I

Everything is right.

It is a sculpted love,

and we have shaped it so perfectly.

Tucked away so effortlessly.

Bed Sheets

Treading in Blue

When my eyes close, the blue
Seeps into my mind.
Warmth of foreign sun settles on my cheeks.
Dived into the waters head first,
I let the currents carry me,
Into everything.
I realized I had known nothing.
The realization I had not known to swim, to tread the water all again.
Through calm waters and raging storms.
Where waves engulfed me whole, only to hold my breath,
To wait for the surface once more.
The feeling lost between the ocean floor
and my toes,
With the dark unknown below.
Only to stare above something so blue,
so comforting,
to have hope.
When sand reached my skin,
Emrbraced me with the heat,
Sometimes it burned,
Other times it tickled beneath.
The foot prints carefully imprinted, so effortlessly
memories in my mind crafted with ease.
The blue came to my ankles,
luring me,
pulling me into the unknown once more.
This is what it felt,
Falling in love with you.

Treading in Blue

Sorry for Being Fake.

I am so sorry,
I am sorry for what I am doing to you.
The feelings that you feel,
Sorry
I don’t feel them.
Those soft cheek pecks,
I can’t return them.
And when your lips
They touch mine,
Deep down I wish
I could enjoy them,
Honestly.
Your hands on me,
The way they move
All over my skin
If only they would
Really turn me on,
But…
I can’t feel them.
Your hands cradle over mine,
And they cover every inch,
You see they are
Secure
But…
I don’t see it.

Perdoname (sorry)

When you smile with that light,
There’s just darkness in mine.
And I go fake and turn cold,
like frigid metal.
I wish I could run.
You know?
Just run the other way,
Avoid looking into those eyes,
What was left behind.
I can’t do it,
I can’t look you in the eyes,
I can’t look at you…
At all.
I am so sorry,
I am such a disaster.
There is too much chaos
Stay away from me, please,
Can’t you see it?
I am not good for you,
I am not good for anyone.
So please,
If you end up,
Heart broken,
Angry,
Or mental,
Just as much as I am.
Just know, that deep down
I truly was very sorry.

 

– Happy ReadingsMariana

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Sorry for Being Fake.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

What I see, is a game and tracks
I don’t call myself a player,
But thats exactly what I am doing.

Just a girl, having her fun.
Fun. That kind of fun.
The fun where you make heads turn.
The fun where you just linger on their lips and nothing else.
The fun where you run your fingers through their hair and bite your lip
The fun where you have guys falling at you.
The fun where you watch them want you.
And you just tease them so they believe it.
There is a chance.
And you bash your eyelashes and smile.
You wear your makeup to hide your face.
You just play it, you make a show, the ideal performer.
You deserve a Grammy, or some big award
You make people want you, and yet the one
You actually want, doesn’t want you.

And when they start to want something more,
Start to feel and demand something, try to tie those strings
Like a puppet, like a leash, Before they can even put it around your wrist…
You cleverly just disappear.
You become no one.
Just THAT girl, an old memory,
A one night stand, a random hookup.
Because for you, you’d rather just be
Known as that girl,
Not as their girl, not anyone’s girl.

Learning to do this without feeling.
What they feel, I feel nothing.
It’s a joke, a game.
And I am the main player, the center piece.
The trophy everyone wants to reach for.
And yet he seems to be the only able to take it.
he has taken it before, so now to him
It’s a memory game.
That is why he keeps on winning.
A victory!

Maybe a new person hasn’t reached that level,
They’re still stuck on some other obstacle course
They have not been able to surpass it because of obstacles of some sort.
They have not defeated that big boss at the end of the castle.
Is that me? Am I the big boss, or is it he,
not letting anyone through?
I am my own obstacle, my own mind and morals.

Why have I turned into this kind of person?
This person who just doesn’t care about people,
Selfish? Am i?
Am I selfish for just trying to do me.
Ha! Shallow? ME?!
Yes, I am shallow, with reasons.
Trying to dedicate myself to me, and not some other incompetent ass?
That is a fair excuse isn’t it? Just trying to do me, there is no harm in that.
Nobody said I was not allowed to just figure out what makes me happy,
who makes me happy.
And how they make me happy.

So yea, I guess I just straight up told myself,
Play it all and risk it,
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Be the player,
And always remember,
Don’t take it too seriously,
After all it is only a game.

 

Happy readings!

– Marz

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Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!