Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

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Ironic Happiness in Life

Summer Nights.

Streets lights fading in and out with the traffic rushing back and forth, honks and tire screeches with music blaring out from the windows. It was only a Saturday night after all, everyone was out. Cars out to travel onto their new destinations. A small patio dimly lit, sat alone unattended with the empty offices and closed stores, lunch hours were over, old food which seemed to have left its stain on the floor. The tables sat there, cold and empty all except for one table. There sitting on top a young woman with her legs hanging off the edge swinging them back and forth as she leaned back and a spacy smile, and a young man sitting there on the chair deep in thought. Their faces hidden in the shadows being casted from their surroundings. Glancing up she stared into the sky trying to find what was left of the night’s stars, only to see the smog that was hovering over them and some office lights still on from the building towering over them. She settled with that as her night time stars. It was not the place after all that mattered to her, but the people that made it memorable.
The summer breeze was just starting to settle in and they both enjoyed taking in breaths which sounded more like long sighs of what to do now?
They glanced back and forth, sometimes making eye contact and sometimes just watching the other stare off into there own world. Awkwardly not knowing of what to say next, who to approach who in that manner. It was the perfect summer night, just not right for them, it was one of those perfect summer nights for a first date, not the night of holding onto the past with confusing thoughts and feelings.
He made the move, he grabbed her phone and ran, hiding behind the bushes. She laughed and yelled out to him in frustration and chased him around the small walls and flower beds, jumping through the bushes and stepping over the dirt as he did the same, ending on the other side again, never being able to meet each other again, because he avoided, yet she still chased. It was like watching two kids, run around in their own world, something they had brought together as one and no one else was allowed to enter it.  And by the time they were done, all worn out and tired, by the time they would find each other again, everything in their path would be destroyed, the flowers collapsed by the impact of their feet, shoe prints of mud next to the food left on the floors. Bushes now spread apart from the bodies that were pushed through, now marked with their scent lingering behind them. She found him, sitting there with the phone next to him on a bench, it wasn’t the phone he was looking for, it was her. He wanted her to chase after him, she caught her breath and sat next to him. Again coming back into the same place they were an hour ago, staring at the empty sky not knowing what to do with each other, but sit and enjoy there time together. She stood up and walked to the old table where she had left her bag and he followed behind her. He sat down on the wall and she placed her arms around him and leaned into his chest, letting her head rest under his chin, a familiar comfort that seemed to linger in her mind. He laid his head onto her shoulder and she moved hers on his, their ears meeting and cheeks touching, and they just talked. He opened up about his  troubles and work while she listened and gave her thoughts to him, and they exchanged their secrets and life. To them it was the most natural feeling, it was intimate and personal. There they were opening themselves up, simply by just letting there faces press against each other, no lips touching or eyes meeting, no hands moving or bodies craving for each other with lust.
It was simple, it was just them alone on a summer night, it wasn’t a first date or anything special.
She looked up at him once more and smiled her eyes just breaking the contact with him and he held her around his arms. She leaned in and cupped his face in her hands and just kissed him, he brought her closer to him. For those few seconds,it was clear how much they needed each other despite the confusion and past, they didn’t care who saw them, who judged them.
Just the two of them together was enough, after all it was only a summer night.

 

Happy Readings 🙂

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– Marz

Summer Nights.

Teach Me.

ImageTeach me to be fearless,
Show me that I can live without being
so afraid.
Pull me away,
because I know I won’t be able to do it alone.
Fear, I am tired of living in it.
I want to dream about things that I deserve and do things on my own
Instead of living in shit.
And not keep them astray.
be happy about them.
This realism that seeps between slowly melts that away.
I am not cold
I am not bitter.
Me? I cannot always be the babysitter.
I see the world for how I feel safe.
The best and keep in mind
downside to things, so I don’t keep my hopes awake.
Disappointments.
Life, there are no times for appointments.
Teach me to take these risks
Teach me how to simply kiss.
How to love, how to smile, just try to keep that around
Try to keep me
For a while.
Take my fingers and slowly trace them over
Until every detail has been engraved into my mind.
Teach me to have this patience and just be kind.
To have inner confidence with one,
Like the whole world revolves around me
And only me,
Because I am
The sun.
Don’t let me feel like shadow,
Walking behind what has already shined.
Don’t make all this a one track narrow
Walking around like nothing I have is really mine.
I want to learn, I want to be able to breath it all in.
Feel guilty for my pleasures that I fulfill.
Do everything out of love and not have to sin.
Teach these ways to me.
You must know something.
Because to me, you seem so free.

By,  Mariana

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Happy readings 🙂

Teach Me.

Red and Blue.

 

You gave me a choice, set out the two options right in front of the table. Can either take the blue pill, or you can take the red pill. You let me choose if I wanted to stay and taken a trip down the rabbit’s hole, or go back into my reality. Gave me the choice to end or keep going.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like I had taken the red pill, The blue seemed like a good choice, I picked, and you agreed. We did ourselves a favor.

What if I did take the red pill though? Put me back into a fantasy. Take me down that hole of nonsense to seek out the farther turths in life. Would what I wonder now, would have been answered with that red pill? I wouldn’t be thinking what I am now. How much farther down would it have taken me?

There is a reason picked that blue pill, and good reasons, I did a favor. I don’t regret it. Just followed what I thought was best, that blue pill.  The story ended, and that was it. I started a new chapter in my life.

We all pick what we are presented with. And we can either regret in life or keep on moving forward.

 

Happy Readings!

Marz

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Red and Blue.

Get Angry.

“you need to get ANGRY” I have heard that phrase for about a week, “You need to get angry”, how do I just get angry? Just scream at the top of my lungs, make my skin hot, my cheeks turn red, steam escape my ears. Yes that angry. That kind of angry I have never reached. Sure I have gotten pissed, but angry?

Angry Marz?

I am suppose to YELL and SCREAM shout, really feel it. So I kept thinking, how on earth will I find a way to make myself angry enough to just let it all out? I have my chance to act this out. It hit me, I will just picture you, sitting front row next to those people I love, and then I will picture you sitting in the front row on the other side laughing with them right next to you. Yes, that is what I will do, imagine. You sitting front row next to “them” normally laughing and conversing sharing stories, touching, hugging, I will yell at you as if you really where back.

” ALLS I GOTS TO SAY IS I HATE YOU AND IM GANNA HATE YOU FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE… (BOOOM)” ,

My show, before I perform, before the spotlight is shone on me. I will picture it at all. And then you will hear an Angry Marz, all this anger building up, just to preform a five minute monologue and a 5 minute skit. A discomfort to invite.

It is time to get angry.

– Marz

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Get Angry.