Simple Brown Eyes

And in my mind,I just hope you dont feel it.

The existential bummer mixed with the heart ache. 

That all these feelings disappear 

I hope for your sake. 

From the pit of my stomach to the bottom of my heart,

All you did was take me, 

fill me with memories, seamen and fake happiness 

in all my empty cracks.

You made me believe that forever was now 

and now was all we had. 

And like nothing and yet everything I meant to you. 

I felt almost lost. 

It seemed out of the blue. 

You told me the worst parts and now what do I do? 

with those little bits of information

The way you hate something, 

The way you sleep and dream.

I take them all like hits. 

Hits to the chest, to the head 

How can you let me just lay in my bed

Wondering

Pondering 

If everything that was

Could have been

Should have been

But wasn’t. 

Fake 

You cling to me 

A heart break,

That’s what you left me.

It wasn’t the imprint of ur laugh, 

The way you smiled.

It wasn’t the way I perfectly slept in your arms, 

head nuzzled into your shoulder

The way we synced, 

You moved, I moved, 

You cried, I cried

You danced, I danced

Now the past tense, 

everything that was.

The way I fell in love with the simplicity of brown in your eyes

 the way you held me when I was scared of the storms. 

I called you pumpkin, and I was honey bunny, 

Pulp fiction.

I would show you stupid videos, 

sitting in your car, 

only to spend a few more minutes in your world. 

Faded away is now the feeling of you making love to my body every nip,

Every grip.

so effortlessly

I let you in, 

Inside my body, inside my mind, inside my soul, 

I let you into every inch and crevice.

I trusted you.

I was open

The words of your lips escaping, saying I was your everything.

Now reduced to merely nothing.

It wasn’t the way you walked or held yourself as a “man”, 

Your admiral attitude and ambition I had once admired in pride.

No you left me with the worst

You left me with your words of hatred

With what you really thought 

after all this time.

You left me, but before you did, you kicked me to my low.

What a low blow. 

You didn’t leave with just a heart ache, 

You left me with disappointment 

Dissatisfaction. 

Diss, a diss, an insult written in words brightened and embedded through a screen with no regret or feelings of remorse. 

A tasteless attack on my insecurities, 

You left me wondering if I ever even was good enough, if I ever was a goddess before you that you also blindly loved as I had once before, 

You were everything to me, 

It was one sided, 

Unlike your face.

you damaged this. 

Us.

Me.

The last memory damaged by your actions, and the intention of hurt. 

How could someone I have loved done that so easily without hesitation. 

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Simple Brown Eyes

Ironic Happiness in Life

I took a recent trip, a special trip in which lead me into some deep thoughts and existential emotions. Leaving me paralyzed in my mind, tears on brink of flooding down my face and the need to scream and laugh all together at once.

Meeting my boyfriend has become one the best experiences in my life, I never realized how quickly I can fall in love, no not just love someone, like actually  be in love, although with this love, came deep sadness…well in ways.

There we were, laying on the carpet, watching the colors and shapes shift before us, paintings slowly melt into their own colors and canvas, the music echoing through our ears, and we just laid next to each other, holding our selves close, our eyes interlocking with our cheek to cheek smiles, laughing at everything and yet nothing at all. I had this overwhelming sensation inside me as the rain slowly fell behind us and the only thing separating us was a large screen window which stared off into the woods, we had created our perfect world of ourselves inside our  little Yurt  ( a small round hut with an open dome on top)  we went to escape the world back home.

Theme, I believe every trip carries over a theme with you, I suppose in my case it surrounded the idea of love and irony in life.

My theme seemed to revolve around temporary irony in life. It made me sad how much happiness was created by being with him, how much I was able to find myself again and my boyfriend being the reason why, I wish I could have paused those moments forever because in those moments nothing mattered, but the irony is everything is so temporary and while we try to be happy it’s not always like that, we need to experience the bad in order to know what’s good, but the good will only last so long, it’s a temporary feeling we wish to carry forever.

Reality is, if we are always spoiled to a sort of happiness we won’t know the differences , wont we? We won’t learn anything else. It made me sad to think that I have him now, I could have him possibly for years to come but not forever, and that sucks, but in that moment I got to share something so beautiful with someone I really love.

Life is so ironic, we fight so hard to define ourselves, to make something of ourselves and yet we are so temporary in this world, we forget to pause in our best moments and really enjoy them, we forget to slow down and cherish things. It makes me sad in ways. I got to share something amazing with someone I love so fucking much for a few hours, and it seemed so happy and bright, but reality was that after a few more hours we’d be back to our lives, back to worrying about making moves to improve our lives, back to reality of our future and jobs and doing stuff we don’t like but we must in order to strive forward. We waste time being miserable when we could be happy, yet when we indulge so much in happiness, we don’t learn anything and it’s all temporary until those feelings fall into a cycle.

I suppose that is the ying-yang to life, you have to have one to balance the other.

Realizing all this lead me into tears of happiness and a sense of depression all at once, I kept staring into him as tears would trickle down my face, I never had let anyone see me cry that way before, but in that state I was in sense of comfort as naked and exposed as I was, it was so new to me, I do not think I have ever had anyone make me so content that it lead me into tears of joy, realizing how lucky I was to be around such a beautiful soul, while realizing he won’t be around forever for whatever reasons, it impaled me right through my heart. My tears were of bitter joy and sadness. How confusing?

I suppose being in love can drive your mind to all emotions and corners of yourself… this is what it feels like I suppose.It’s probably a true caption, but he makes me happy regardless 🙂

Happy Readings.

 

Ironic Happiness in Life

Bed Sheets

It is a feeling out place

when I am not nudged between the sheets

and his body.

Nestled between the moment of bliss and lust

balanced with the perfect shape

between his lips and our fate.

The minds of dreamers mixed with wonders,

and the dash of over thinkers,

 with tucked away secrets

into those bed sheets.

Yet heartbeat at ease calms the youthful minds

proving that life outside is a tease of its own kind

He makes it feel safe

allowing to explore and

to expose my vulnerability.

We play all day, and through the night,

and we seem to forget about life outside

It just him and I

Everything is right.

It is a sculpted love,

and we have shaped it so perfectly.

Tucked away so effortlessly.

Bed Sheets

The Irony of The Universe

Things become so ironic, in the best ways, that it just makes me chuckle and smile. So how to explain this, my best friend, became my best friend, because he said something that was miss interpretided into causing me to lose my best friend…

WAIT… rewind on that… how does that work?

Now you are all probablly asuming how crazy I am… how can you be best friends with someone like that?

Simple… he did me the best favor anyone could have done. I know that seems so strange, but it is true. Without my best friend, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And trust me, he always apologizes to me and how horrible he felt if he had known what the damage would have been, but honestly, it was for the best!!

I imagined my life one night if he had never done that, I imagined how depressed I would be still, How I would of still been in that toxic cycle with X, going through the mind fucks, the manipulative abuse, the lies and feeling like the lowest person ever. How I would of never met my current love *yes thats right, I decided to start dating again and open my world up… 4 months strong and its been amazing*, I probably wouldnt have gone on all these memorable adventures, or finding my boyfriend as pretty much being my music rave mate soulmate, no mind games, no lies, no stress, no doubting, we just live, we laugh and we do it so well that its beautiful. I ended up making some of the most important connections because of my bestfriend, had one of the best summers and I cant regret any of it.

I feel happy and healthy and I can say it with a straight face.

Peace, I am at peace, what I had been searching in me and around me, it is all at peace.

I owe it all to my best friend, I owe him from breaking me apart from the toxic waste in my life, for pushing me to give someone who became somebody important a chance, I owe him for the advice and memorable nights we have had. He always says sorry… Yet I amm always saying thank you.

Isnt it fantastic how the universe can work in the best of ways?

|It is almost Ironic|

Although, when it is to my favor… who am I to complain to 🙂

 

Happy Readings my Misfits

  • Marz

 

The Irony of The Universe

Tainted

Stained red, glassy look, a giggle of a drunken warmth. The glass kept nearly full, atleast more than yours for the moments, the bottle finished on the floor left with nothing but the cork. It was a mission to drain it dry, in my system with it soaking in my blood. My cheeks flushed and my body held awkwardly against the window,what was between you and me and a stupid pillow, and who would of wondered that it’d be the last time of us, ever being us.
It wasn’t real sex, didn’t feel like it, with alcohol involved how can it?, a floppy pose, the lazy slurs, the lust filled smile, just wanted to fuck, and you knew I would do anything if pushed with the right buttons.
You knew so well, it was all meticulously played out.
It didn’t count, it seemed almost petty, you got me drunk so I could fuck you. I felt it, yet I faked it, and more than ever I should have
slept it. My burgandy tainted lips, no longer caring with what they sipped, it might have been better off if I had just stayed away.
All that’s left, is how much it’s all been tainted.

Still confused

Tainted

Treading in Blue

When my eyes close, the blue
Seeps into my mind.
Warmth of foreign sun settles on my cheeks.
Dived into the waters head first,
I let the currents carry me,
Into everything.
I realized I had known nothing.
The realization I had not known to swim, to tread the water all again.
Through calm waters and raging storms.
Where waves engulfed me whole, only to hold my breath,
To wait for the surface once more.
The feeling lost between the ocean floor
and my toes,
With the dark unknown below.
Only to stare above something so blue,
so comforting,
to have hope.
When sand reached my skin,
Emrbraced me with the heat,
Sometimes it burned,
Other times it tickled beneath.
The foot prints carefully imprinted, so effortlessly
memories in my mind crafted with ease.
The blue came to my ankles,
luring me,
pulling me into the unknown once more.
This is what it felt,
Falling in love with you.

Treading in Blue

The Devil’s Playmate Prt 1

    Pacing my footsteps through the woods, ashes of leaves  with brittle twigs cracking on the ground, echoing through the naked trees. My breath heavy with peril, I stop and listen, it is silent. I am in my own solitude, a simplistic hell, where the nightmares are the reality and the beast is more than just a friend, but a dark lover of past youthful dreams, and he is vividly beautiful. Luring me in deeper into the forest, where the trees were scorched and hovered with their twisted curling branches, arching and encasing the dark, with only a shadow to see. He holds his hand out, so gracefully, with lust tainted on his fingertips. I am hesitant from a far.
“Wait! Don’t leave me”
    I take a step forward and the rustle of the ground starts to fade away. He has moved only deeper and I follow, I cannot help but to follow him. The yearning to see him once more, to catch a glimpse of what temptation has to offer.   

“Find me”

I hear his voice bounce off, a playful tone because to him it was a game.
    His seductive voice finally fades and I stood there, mixed emotions racing through my blood and bones.
  

 “I know what you are thinking” I can feel his smile linger through those words “If you turn around now and head back, you will never know…don’t you want to know? Don’t you want to feel?”
    

I become disconnected with my body, my feet take their own steps and I felt his presence grow stronger. I hold my arms out in hopes he will guide me.
  

 “Where are you going?” He questioned as I followed the shadow.
    “Why are you doing this to me?” I asked
    “Doing what?”
    “All of this. Why are you hurting me, tempting me, seducing me”
    

A laughed erupted and then his footsteps picked up again, and I ran after. Silly me, a girl running after someone so forbidden, I just wanted to see him, touch his skin and feel the rush of euphoric impulse
  

 “And yet you still follow aimlessly girl! You follow only because you are scared”

I froze, the air grew cold, sending shrivers through my spine. He continued speaking,

“You think you have nothing left, so in desperation you follow what cannot be touched but only wanted, and forever you shall want, you will have eternal desire with no satisfaction, that is your hell”
    

He stands a couple feet away, just out of arms reach, and I stare into his face. He is so beautiful, it is almost unrealistic. The grey eyes contrasting with the trees, burning with anticipation, and yet he was ever so smooth, the way he stood, like a tree itself. Swaying lightly, yet maintaining the strong pose rooted into the ashes.
    Sending chills with the wind making the hairs on my arms stand, I stared at him and moved forward. He held his hands out and smiled
  

 “Come to me my love”
    “I am” I stumbled “I am trying”
    “Come closer, Don’t worry I won’t run away”
    “It’s a trick” I hesitated “You always play these mind games, I know you”
    “Don’t you trust me?” he frowned.

I stopped, his body leaned closer, I was only feet away from him, I could smell his cologne, it flared up my nostrils with the aroma.
    “Turn around” he calmly told me.
I trust him at my most vulnerable spot, I trust him with my back turned to the devil himself.
        “Close your eyes now” I felt my eyes close shut, and now I saw nothing, I listened to the crunch of footsteps now shuffling behind me.
    Placing his fingers firmly on my shoulders as my back faced him, I could feel his breath in my ear, slowly making its way down my neck. His hands traced my arms and rested on my hips as he pulled me in closer to him.
    “Play with me” he moved his hands “Come on Babe” he nudged me in closer.
I felt his softened lips press against my neck, each letting a small breath to escape from my mouth. Leaving marks that burned and I loved it.
As his lips pressed more fiercely, his hands rushed through my body, leaving every spot untouched. And I could feel all of him as he pressed me against his body. I wanted to turn around, I wanted to feel that burn on my lips, the impulse of the sultry hands.

I wanted him.

 

– M

So here is a part of a story, I randomly decided to write, I figured I would not burden you with my silly rants and actually give my readers something I find decent enough to share. Please Comment,  Critic, Follow and all that other good stuff! I will appreciate it so much!

Happy Readings 🙂

The Devil’s Playmate Prt 1