Simple Brown Eyes

And in my mind,I just hope you dont feel it.

The existential bummer mixed with the heart ache. 

That all these feelings disappear 

I hope for your sake. 

From the pit of my stomach to the bottom of my heart,

All you did was take me, 

fill me with memories, seamen and fake happiness 

in all my empty cracks.

You made me believe that forever was now 

and now was all we had. 

And like nothing and yet everything I meant to you. 

I felt almost lost. 

It seemed out of the blue. 

You told me the worst parts and now what do I do? 

with those little bits of information

The way you hate something, 

The way you sleep and dream.

I take them all like hits. 

Hits to the chest, to the head 

How can you let me just lay in my bed

Wondering

Pondering 

If everything that was

Could have been

Should have been

But wasn’t. 

Fake 

You cling to me 

A heart break,

That’s what you left me.

It wasn’t the imprint of ur laugh, 

The way you smiled.

It wasn’t the way I perfectly slept in your arms, 

head nuzzled into your shoulder

The way we synced, 

You moved, I moved, 

You cried, I cried

You danced, I danced

Now the past tense, 

everything that was.

The way I fell in love with the simplicity of brown in your eyes

 the way you held me when I was scared of the storms. 

I called you pumpkin, and I was honey bunny, 

Pulp fiction.

I would show you stupid videos, 

sitting in your car, 

only to spend a few more minutes in your world. 

Faded away is now the feeling of you making love to my body every nip,

Every grip.

so effortlessly

I let you in, 

Inside my body, inside my mind, inside my soul, 

I let you into every inch and crevice.

I trusted you.

I was open

The words of your lips escaping, saying I was your everything.

Now reduced to merely nothing.

It wasn’t the way you walked or held yourself as a “man”, 

Your admiral attitude and ambition I had once admired in pride.

No you left me with the worst

You left me with your words of hatred

With what you really thought 

after all this time.

You left me, but before you did, you kicked me to my low.

What a low blow. 

You didn’t leave with just a heart ache, 

You left me with disappointment 

Dissatisfaction. 

Diss, a diss, an insult written in words brightened and embedded through a screen with no regret or feelings of remorse. 

A tasteless attack on my insecurities, 

You left me wondering if I ever even was good enough, if I ever was a goddess before you that you also blindly loved as I had once before, 

You were everything to me, 

It was one sided, 

Unlike your face.

you damaged this. 

Us.

Me.

The last memory damaged by your actions, and the intention of hurt. 

How could someone I have loved done that so easily without hesitation. 

Advertisements
Simple Brown Eyes

Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

I was told a few months ago that I needed to do some inner soul searching, I lost a dear friend, not in death but in connection, and I really felt it, It spun me into this abyss of unknown. I was lost for so long and used so many things as escapes to help me escape, not sure if escape by try to gain that persons attention, not sure if it was aimed at X or my parents. Things just went south, in life for me everything went wrong, romance, home life, education, I was lost, I was hitting rock bottom, and while at work I played it off like I was happy and I was the best person I could be, I was great at wearing the masks I wore.

I drove my X away, with my crazy antics I know i drove him away, of course he blamed me for things that wasn’t true but I couldn’t help being a child about things, I was crazy,  I acted in ways that wasn’t okay, I realized that when it had hit me that there was nothing I could do to fix anything that had happened between us, I simply had to accept it as part of life. So with that I wrote him a letter, letting him know that I will always love him and I can never hate him, no matter what damage was caused, I could never hate him for anything.

This summer for me was about soul searching and growing up, I got involved with someone from my job that I trusted in ways, ended up sour, but I decided instead of being that crazy bitch I usually turned out to be, just let things go, accept it for what it was and make the amends, its not worth holding on to horrible energy, it is not good for the soul.

I realized that, to my X,  I finally understood, it does take so much energy to hate, and to place all this negativity on someone, and for what?

The only one it will affect is yourself… it is better to let go, breathe, move on and let go.
I finally understand it all now.

I can admit this soul searching journey has led me to all corners of my mind, and I have loved every moment of it. I learned to just accept life for what it is, I have learned to just live and laugh, to let go of everything that was bad, to let go of everything that made me unhappy.

I am grateful for my summer.

This summer was not about me parading about how I am single, how I can do whatever I want, it was about finding out who I am, finding out my happiness, it was about making sure I knew how to keep myself happy.

That is the important thing, before you can dedicate anybody to make you happy, you have to learn how to love yourself and make yourself happy.

So for now I am on a mission to figure myself out, I am looking for things that make me happy, I don’t have time to be looking for connections if I cannot connect with myself, yet the world is unknown, so what happens happens, I am not to say no.

Go with the flow.

HAPPY READINGS

MARZ

Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

Sorry for Being Fake.

I am so sorry,
I am sorry for what I am doing to you.
The feelings that you feel,
Sorry
I don’t feel them.
Those soft cheek pecks,
I can’t return them.
And when your lips
They touch mine,
Deep down I wish
I could enjoy them,
Honestly.
Your hands on me,
The way they move
All over my skin
If only they would
Really turn me on,
But…
I can’t feel them.
Your hands cradle over mine,
And they cover every inch,
You see they are
Secure
But…
I don’t see it.

Perdoname (sorry)

When you smile with that light,
There’s just darkness in mine.
And I go fake and turn cold,
like frigid metal.
I wish I could run.
You know?
Just run the other way,
Avoid looking into those eyes,
What was left behind.
I can’t do it,
I can’t look you in the eyes,
I can’t look at you…
At all.
I am so sorry,
I am such a disaster.
There is too much chaos
Stay away from me, please,
Can’t you see it?
I am not good for you,
I am not good for anyone.
So please,
If you end up,
Heart broken,
Angry,
Or mental,
Just as much as I am.
Just know, that deep down
I truly was very sorry.

 

– Happy ReadingsMariana

Comment/Like/follow.

 

Sorry for Being Fake.

Friendship (old thing I wrote YEARS ago)

 

What’s that word?

Was it friendship?

It caught is in the mind

and in time we just knew

that you were mine.

But it’s gone now,

and just a sad song now.

Words just written

but there is just so much missing.

Because we said we’ll be there

through the times

play the games and walk the shame.

we’ll pay the crimes.

Late night talks

passing notes

this friendship of ours?

it wasn’t a joke.

but we’ll smile through the crowd

somehow.

anyhow.

but it’s all gone now

and just a song now.

because our friendship,

was just a word,

but never something that will be heard.

Happy readings everyone 🙂

– Marz

(be sure to subscribe please, or follow me on twitter)

thanks

Love and peace.

Friendship (old thing I wrote YEARS ago)

First entry.

first entry, i lied to you all, I was planning on starting to maybe bring my chicken ass to expose my diary but now that i read my first entry its far to embarrassing, so i completely resent from posting anything, maybe somethings but somethings no. I just can’t,

Anyways i shall keep searching for something interesting to post up or writing.

Any suggestions anyone?

:/

 

First entry.

The dodos- Horny Hippes.

We were walking down the block when we thought the bomb went off
And our hearts nearly stopped at the sound
When we looked and we found that it hit some other crowd
I was glad it wasn’t us, yeah I was proud

Cause I fall and I break just as easy as an egg
Yeah, my shell isn’t as hard as it seems
When my insides gush out there’s no telling what it’s about
When it’ll stop, when it’ll seed, when it’ll bleed

Yeah, I just stay in my home, in my home, in my home
Yeah, I just stay in my home, in my home, in my home

Well, I take a look outside at the pretty girls outside
But I can’t make myself say “Hi” because I’m scared
Because I spend all this time all locked up inside
It’s the only place I know how to bare

Cause you can go out and meet some girl you can’t defeat
And you think that she must be the one
Until you’re walking down the isle and she takes away your smile
Boy you wish you hadn’t dialed before you wrung

Oh you should stay in your home, in your home, in your home
Oh you should stay in your home, in your home, in your home

Well they talk of your past, yeah they said it wouldn’t last
But they’re running pretty fast back on their word
It was gone for a while but it’s coming back in style
Better run back where you’re from and join the mass

Yeah we’ll just stay in our home, in our homes
Yeah we’ll just stay in our home, in our homes

Happy hearing 🙂

(no copyright intended)

Song seems to captivate me, so I thought i would share a bit.

The dodos- Horny Hippes.

High-school

 

take 1.
They seem to say that high school are the best years of your life, then why is that our teacher had told us straight up that the meaning of life is suffering, does that mean we just suffer threw all of high school?

take 2.
Nothing makes your day when you see teenage hormones rise up into the hallways of pale lights and pointless flyers. Couples grasping each-other and eating away at there faces, the best kinds of shows anyone would love to watch.
Security guards yelling at them to move along as kids scream “GET A ROOM”.
High school love, it doesn’t get better than this.

Take 3
Bring out the claws and your hardcore vocabulary skills and dont forget to add an insult at some point along the way. Drama. It’s the most irresistible temptation to have it’s an addiction. Some is pointless and some is just stupid so why even cause it? With lies and hidden disguise its no wonder drama is your friend. It’s the simple poison that no one can resist along those four years.

Take 4
Everything about high-school has to do with power weather your a freshman to a senior,  a teacher to a principal we all have our place, but whatever happened to staying equal and everyone being the same? We all have rights so why are kids still being harassed, Weather its from being a homosexual or being a different race. Since when has it been a sin to be fat?

Take 5
“what do you want?, a nickel? a dime? a quarter?”
no this isn’t cash we are talking about,
those druggies are at it again,
with there blazed dangerous suspicious looks
the money in there hands
looks like someone got a good deal today
and is going home very happy.

Take 6.
“MOVE MOVE MOVE, LETS GO PICK IT UP!” the coaches booming voice
echoes through the plastic grass field
kids after school hitting the gym
staying in shape.
guys trying in for their six pack
Sports, something even more stressful than the school itself
Rules, Laws, Captins, games, rivalry,fights.
all seem to be under the same place.
It’ll all pay off though when your holding that trophy
Take 7
Friends
There always with you till the end?
maybe there just your group
your cliques your gang,
The style, and people,
that define who you are.
“you have to walk the walk in order to talk the talk”
if you want to fit in
High-school.

– Mariana Rodriguez

I wrote this last year perhaps.

Happy readings 🙂

High-school