FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

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FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

The Contradiction of Connecting

C.R.A.V.E

Do you ever just crave something? Not want, because if it was wanting then there is more ambition to obtain it, but just crave, something that sits on your mind in the back of your head and lingers on for a while. Not the crave of food, or going to a familiar place, but a crave within yourself.

Lately there has been a sense of nostalgia inside me, I am not happy, yet I am not sad. It seems to stir in the middle of things, and I do not know how to care for this feeling.  My thoughts trail into simple human needs, to feel craved, to feel wanted, to be given some form of attention, and yet I want nothing more but to be left alone, I want to sit in a corner and watch life happen before me in this neutral expression, and I can’t help but to feel so out of place, like I know my body is there, but I am not.

I realized how empty I was feeling while I sat aside from being social today, I sat and watched, the life happen before me, the slow intoxication of liquor fill my friends, the flirty talks and dancing, and all I wanted was to just be in a bubble, to sit in the corner and just stare, and all I wanted was for someone to just come up to me and say “hey wanna talk about something”

Perhaps silly conversations about partying and drinking bore me, the consumption of forgetting yourself for a few hours seems low, yet lately its all that has been tempting me, fully aware that it cannot always be used as an escape.

This isn’t a crave for sex, or flirty attention, no what I crave is something deeper, something honest and soul worthy, something with a real connection. I find myself being an envious person during my observations, watching people connect is so beautiful it makes me wonder if I ever even had that with anyone. Publicly displaying their open souls, knowing that the room is full, yet to them its only them. I admire people who can connect without the care of the judgements around them, without caring about anything or any labels, but you see the happiness on their faces, and you can tell that there is no emptiness inside them, in that very moment they just connect, I suppose that is what bothers me, it angers me, I am trying to figure out how to fill this missing void inside me, where to find this form of happiness without having it backfire in my face, my past is enough to have taught me not to go down certain paths.

Yet my mind keeps contradicting itself, I want connection, yet I want to be alone.

And then I remember how angry I feel

How damaged I became.

How empty I am inside.

How broken I am, with what I am trying to heal.

How tired my body and soul is.

How numb the world looks to me now.

And I think, why would anyone even try to connect with someone as fucked up as I am right now?

It is human nature to want to connect to something, or to someone, to feel recognized and appreciated. Nobody likes the idea of temporary when they find something so great in their lives.  Perhaps what I am craving is a connection where I can be me, a fully open human being, I am craving for someone to just listen, and yet I have the hardest time finding the trust to place in people. Everything sets me on edge, and I find it driving me insane.

How do you connect with someone that cannot open up, yet wants to open up?

 

The Contradiction of Connecting

A Child’s heart.

I used to think the moon would follow me home, light the way on those dark endless roads at night.

I imagined it chasing after us making sure it stayed ahead.

I thought when the rain came down on gray days, it rained all over the world and some other little girl in China or France was running up and down their driveways bare feet, jumping and splashing, letting the dirt and minerals sprinkle over. Throwing around the worms that seemed to come out from hiding.

When thunder came, I remember shaking and hiding under my parents legs as they sat on the couch, hiding between pillows in their beds, finding spaces under the bed. I saw a flash and flew towards whatever hiding I was able to find.

I recall the anxious waiting for getting my first training bras and “grown up” clothes. When I could places on my own.

I remember crying in kindergarten because the boys didn’t want to play with me because I had “cooties”, I wanted so badly to play with the guys, I screamed at them “COOTIES ARE NOT REAL!

Santa, Tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, the three kings, they were all very real to me.

I had so much innocence:

Conversation with my sister.

“Mayra, I have something funny to tell you…”

“What is it?”

“okay ready, I learned this at camp: Girls go to to college to get more knowledge, boys go to jupiter to get more stupi-”

“Is that all?”

“No, It’s a (giggles) bad word, I don’t want to say it”

Where have all my years gone? My childish thoughts?

The innocence and sweet outlook on everything, world was a sugar-coated playground ready to just be explored.

It feels gone, all of it, a child hearts slowly fading away. Reality sinking in, sugar melting away to expose the truth of what lies underneath. It’s sad to think of it, leaving it behind into what now seems to be the “adult world”

Moon, stay with me, please? I would like some light to guide me through, don’t fall behind.

 

Happy Readings 🙂

Marz

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A Child’s heart.

I Carry Fear.

It’s funny, as I walked home by myself of course I start to talk. I rant off about my thoughts, perspectives and future plans in my life that I hope to achieve. I started thinking, if I could have a job, maybe I’d manage a morgue, or drive a hearse. Most people have a common fascination with dark and death and weird things like that, it just sparks our curiosity. Most people tend to fear death upon themselves, I simply accept it as part of life and it’s cycle.
Ironic though, I fear death touching upon my loved ones. I think sometimes that is why I fear, and I get so scared to dedicate myself to someone, having that future.  I think of the future, and beyond, growing old, becoming accustomed to their company everyday and them being there for me, and suddenly they are just gone and I can never get them back. I have to selfishly live on what I have left in life. I cannot deal with losing people. Sometimes I want to end everything, cut off all connections with humanity and my relationships with others so I wouldn’t have that feeling of loss. I almost lost my sister once, and losing her again would be heart breaking. Losing any of my friends, I could not imagine what my life would be like, and losing that someone I love,it would feel as if part of me died as well. I don’t have that many close friends and maybe that is why, or maybe I just don’t need that many. Or maybe because I am twisted enough to think, if I stay in contact with them in the future, and one day my phone rings saying one of them passed. I can not deal with death like that. Yet somehow I am willing to accept my own?
I am scared of many things, I admit that, but its not like spiders and clowns and ghost stories and such, solid things, things I can touch, see, hear, taste. That doesn’t scare me. I am afraid of what I cannot control, what my mind sees that I wish not to, the things it thinks of when I try to ignore.
Suddenly, tears start to stream down my face and slowly sink into my pillow. I am scared, I am fucking terrified. Never felt this before and it’s going to drive me to the brink of insanity. I do have fears, don’t we all?

After all, fear is what keeps us living, it lets us know that we are human, that we are alive.

Happy Readings!

– Marz

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I Carry Fear.

Enough is Enough.

I have had enough. Stop crying marz, that is all you did for about a week, slap yourself out of it. Enough with the tears. they are useless. I have had enough of being that cliche depressed teenager that everyone hears about. That I swore I would never become, and yet here I am crying and just crying. Well I shall cry no more. I have had enough of it.

Though I can’t, it’s just so much in me that I need to let go, and when I do, I get told to stop. So what should I do? FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?

“I don’t care. And no matter where I turn to it feels like someone is trying to mold me into someone I am not. I am me, marz, Mariana Rodriguez, That is who I am.”

Enough is enough.

I have had enough. I had my breakdown, I cried to my limit, where I almost throw up (old childhood habit), I couldn’t breath, and I got continuous  headaches. I have cried enough I think.

Lets get happy again, lets see that happy Marz.

– A-not-so-happy-marz

Enjoy

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Enough is Enough.

Uneasy

It makes you uneasy, knowing things like that, and wishing that they were just never spoken of. You want to run to the nearest thing that can comfort you and hold it tightly enough to feel some love. Last time you thought you heard those words you felt some relief fly over you. This discomfort escape, your perplexed mind finally at some sort of ease. Scared, it’s this feeling you can only help but to feel. Those questions in their mouth, those sarcastic emotions. They don’t really care to be honest. They never did.

You don’t want them near you, that is just how it is, you want them far away as possible, buried along with the past.  Forgotten. You know you don’t want them in your life, they are NOT welcomed or invited. You stay silent, and probably think it is best if they stay quiet about them too. It is only fair.

My friend Lauren.

You feel unsatisfying, no matter how many times you are told and proven wrong, it is just there, that feeling. You’ll never reach that level, your just temporary. You are the hot water in a pot that seems to bubble for a while and then just gets turned off, never to evaporate or reach that boil. Luke warm water. And all you will ever be is just a clone. A repeat of what was.

Happy readings

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Picture from : http://laurenjessica.deviantart.com/

❤ Marz

Uneasy