Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

I was told a few months ago that I needed to do some inner soul searching, I lost a dear friend, not in death but in connection, and I really felt it, It spun me into this abyss of unknown. I was lost for so long and used so many things as escapes to help me escape, not sure if escape by try to gain that persons attention, not sure if it was aimed at X or my parents. Things just went south, in life for me everything went wrong, romance, home life, education, I was lost, I was hitting rock bottom, and while at work I played it off like I was happy and I was the best person I could be, I was great at wearing the masks I wore.

I drove my X away, with my crazy antics I know i drove him away, of course he blamed me for things that wasn’t true but I couldn’t help being a child about things, I was crazy,  I acted in ways that wasn’t okay, I realized that when it had hit me that there was nothing I could do to fix anything that had happened between us, I simply had to accept it as part of life. So with that I wrote him a letter, letting him know that I will always love him and I can never hate him, no matter what damage was caused, I could never hate him for anything.

This summer for me was about soul searching and growing up, I got involved with someone from my job that I trusted in ways, ended up sour, but I decided instead of being that crazy bitch I usually turned out to be, just let things go, accept it for what it was and make the amends, its not worth holding on to horrible energy, it is not good for the soul.

I realized that, to my X,  I finally understood, it does take so much energy to hate, and to place all this negativity on someone, and for what?

The only one it will affect is yourself… it is better to let go, breathe, move on and let go.
I finally understand it all now.

I can admit this soul searching journey has led me to all corners of my mind, and I have loved every moment of it. I learned to just accept life for what it is, I have learned to just live and laugh, to let go of everything that was bad, to let go of everything that made me unhappy.

I am grateful for my summer.

This summer was not about me parading about how I am single, how I can do whatever I want, it was about finding out who I am, finding out my happiness, it was about making sure I knew how to keep myself happy.

That is the important thing, before you can dedicate anybody to make you happy, you have to learn how to love yourself and make yourself happy.

So for now I am on a mission to figure myself out, I am looking for things that make me happy, I don’t have time to be looking for connections if I cannot connect with myself, yet the world is unknown, so what happens happens, I am not to say no.

Go with the flow.

HAPPY READINGS

MARZ

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Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

The Contradiction of Connecting

C.R.A.V.E

Do you ever just crave something? Not want, because if it was wanting then there is more ambition to obtain it, but just crave, something that sits on your mind in the back of your head and lingers on for a while. Not the crave of food, or going to a familiar place, but a crave within yourself.

Lately there has been a sense of nostalgia inside me, I am not happy, yet I am not sad. It seems to stir in the middle of things, and I do not know how to care for this feeling.  My thoughts trail into simple human needs, to feel craved, to feel wanted, to be given some form of attention, and yet I want nothing more but to be left alone, I want to sit in a corner and watch life happen before me in this neutral expression, and I can’t help but to feel so out of place, like I know my body is there, but I am not.

I realized how empty I was feeling while I sat aside from being social today, I sat and watched, the life happen before me, the slow intoxication of liquor fill my friends, the flirty talks and dancing, and all I wanted was to just be in a bubble, to sit in the corner and just stare, and all I wanted was for someone to just come up to me and say “hey wanna talk about something”

Perhaps silly conversations about partying and drinking bore me, the consumption of forgetting yourself for a few hours seems low, yet lately its all that has been tempting me, fully aware that it cannot always be used as an escape.

This isn’t a crave for sex, or flirty attention, no what I crave is something deeper, something honest and soul worthy, something with a real connection. I find myself being an envious person during my observations, watching people connect is so beautiful it makes me wonder if I ever even had that with anyone. Publicly displaying their open souls, knowing that the room is full, yet to them its only them. I admire people who can connect without the care of the judgements around them, without caring about anything or any labels, but you see the happiness on their faces, and you can tell that there is no emptiness inside them, in that very moment they just connect, I suppose that is what bothers me, it angers me, I am trying to figure out how to fill this missing void inside me, where to find this form of happiness without having it backfire in my face, my past is enough to have taught me not to go down certain paths.

Yet my mind keeps contradicting itself, I want connection, yet I want to be alone.

And then I remember how angry I feel

How damaged I became.

How empty I am inside.

How broken I am, with what I am trying to heal.

How tired my body and soul is.

How numb the world looks to me now.

And I think, why would anyone even try to connect with someone as fucked up as I am right now?

It is human nature to want to connect to something, or to someone, to feel recognized and appreciated. Nobody likes the idea of temporary when they find something so great in their lives.  Perhaps what I am craving is a connection where I can be me, a fully open human being, I am craving for someone to just listen, and yet I have the hardest time finding the trust to place in people. Everything sets me on edge, and I find it driving me insane.

How do you connect with someone that cannot open up, yet wants to open up?

 

The Contradiction of Connecting