Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

I was told a few months ago that I needed to do some inner soul searching, I lost a dear friend, not in death but in connection, and I really felt it, It spun me into this abyss of unknown. I was lost for so long and used so many things as escapes to help me escape, not sure if escape by try to gain that persons attention, not sure if it was aimed at X or my parents. Things just went south, in life for me everything went wrong, romance, home life, education, I was lost, I was hitting rock bottom, and while at work I played it off like I was happy and I was the best person I could be, I was great at wearing the masks I wore.

I drove my X away, with my crazy antics I know i drove him away, of course he blamed me for things that wasn’t true but I couldn’t help being a child about things, I was crazy,  I acted in ways that wasn’t okay, I realized that when it had hit me that there was nothing I could do to fix anything that had happened between us, I simply had to accept it as part of life. So with that I wrote him a letter, letting him know that I will always love him and I can never hate him, no matter what damage was caused, I could never hate him for anything.

This summer for me was about soul searching and growing up, I got involved with someone from my job that I trusted in ways, ended up sour, but I decided instead of being that crazy bitch I usually turned out to be, just let things go, accept it for what it was and make the amends, its not worth holding on to horrible energy, it is not good for the soul.

I realized that, to my X,  I finally understood, it does take so much energy to hate, and to place all this negativity on someone, and for what?

The only one it will affect is yourself… it is better to let go, breathe, move on and let go.
I finally understand it all now.

I can admit this soul searching journey has led me to all corners of my mind, and I have loved every moment of it. I learned to just accept life for what it is, I have learned to just live and laugh, to let go of everything that was bad, to let go of everything that made me unhappy.

I am grateful for my summer.

This summer was not about me parading about how I am single, how I can do whatever I want, it was about finding out who I am, finding out my happiness, it was about making sure I knew how to keep myself happy.

That is the important thing, before you can dedicate anybody to make you happy, you have to learn how to love yourself and make yourself happy.

So for now I am on a mission to figure myself out, I am looking for things that make me happy, I don’t have time to be looking for connections if I cannot connect with myself, yet the world is unknown, so what happens happens, I am not to say no.

Go with the flow.

HAPPY READINGS

MARZ

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Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

Optional Transitions.

Do we just grow? Or simply transition into a merely new person? Like snakes, shed our old skin to leave behind, transparent and dry.

I start with a question, I suppose our lives are always built on questions, we ask, we seek, we satisfy our curiosity.

I have lost base with myself, the priorities and importance of my own happiness, the endless nights of just aimlessly not sleeping, staying up into a depression as I would attempt to cry myself into sleep. For weeks it was like this, I coward away and made my mistakes that I regretted.

The true beauty of it all though?

I took them in, I admitted my faults, accepted my flaws, took control over how my happiness should be for me; my self content is for me, not to please others, not to change myself for the likes.

I am who I am, and I like who I am, I make my improvements as they come, not for others, not to stay attractive to them, but for me.

I love summer, I suppose it is that time to make the changes, and have fun. The care-free spirit sets in and everything is so light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEW THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t begin to explain anything anymore, the laziness, I have no explanation as to why, and frankly I just do not seem to care.

I start my days just fine, eat well, do something active, I’ve noticed less tummy chub which I am pleased about and I finally am gaining some form of financial substance from my job.

I am just doing what I enjoy, while enjoying the fun that comes through along the way.

Can I be honest?

Half the time I have no idea what the fuck I am doing, but there is something I enjoy about being spontaneous.

Fuck it, it is summer  after all, why stress it?

 

 

Optional Transitions.

Summer Nights.

Streets lights fading in and out with the traffic rushing back and forth, honks and tire screeches with music blaring out from the windows. It was only a Saturday night after all, everyone was out. Cars out to travel onto their new destinations. A small patio dimly lit, sat alone unattended with the empty offices and closed stores, lunch hours were over, old food which seemed to have left its stain on the floor. The tables sat there, cold and empty all except for one table. There sitting on top a young woman with her legs hanging off the edge swinging them back and forth as she leaned back and a spacy smile, and a young man sitting there on the chair deep in thought. Their faces hidden in the shadows being casted from their surroundings. Glancing up she stared into the sky trying to find what was left of the night’s stars, only to see the smog that was hovering over them and some office lights still on from the building towering over them. She settled with that as her night time stars. It was not the place after all that mattered to her, but the people that made it memorable.
The summer breeze was just starting to settle in and they both enjoyed taking in breaths which sounded more like long sighs of what to do now?
They glanced back and forth, sometimes making eye contact and sometimes just watching the other stare off into there own world. Awkwardly not knowing of what to say next, who to approach who in that manner. It was the perfect summer night, just not right for them, it was one of those perfect summer nights for a first date, not the night of holding onto the past with confusing thoughts and feelings.
He made the move, he grabbed her phone and ran, hiding behind the bushes. She laughed and yelled out to him in frustration and chased him around the small walls and flower beds, jumping through the bushes and stepping over the dirt as he did the same, ending on the other side again, never being able to meet each other again, because he avoided, yet she still chased. It was like watching two kids, run around in their own world, something they had brought together as one and no one else was allowed to enter it.  And by the time they were done, all worn out and tired, by the time they would find each other again, everything in their path would be destroyed, the flowers collapsed by the impact of their feet, shoe prints of mud next to the food left on the floors. Bushes now spread apart from the bodies that were pushed through, now marked with their scent lingering behind them. She found him, sitting there with the phone next to him on a bench, it wasn’t the phone he was looking for, it was her. He wanted her to chase after him, she caught her breath and sat next to him. Again coming back into the same place they were an hour ago, staring at the empty sky not knowing what to do with each other, but sit and enjoy there time together. She stood up and walked to the old table where she had left her bag and he followed behind her. He sat down on the wall and she placed her arms around him and leaned into his chest, letting her head rest under his chin, a familiar comfort that seemed to linger in her mind. He laid his head onto her shoulder and she moved hers on his, their ears meeting and cheeks touching, and they just talked. He opened up about his  troubles and work while she listened and gave her thoughts to him, and they exchanged their secrets and life. To them it was the most natural feeling, it was intimate and personal. There they were opening themselves up, simply by just letting there faces press against each other, no lips touching or eyes meeting, no hands moving or bodies craving for each other with lust.
It was simple, it was just them alone on a summer night, it wasn’t a first date or anything special.
She looked up at him once more and smiled her eyes just breaking the contact with him and he held her around his arms. She leaned in and cupped his face in her hands and just kissed him, he brought her closer to him. For those few seconds,it was clear how much they needed each other despite the confusion and past, they didn’t care who saw them, who judged them.
Just the two of them together was enough, after all it was only a summer night.

 

Happy Readings 🙂

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– Marz

Summer Nights.

Hello to my new world.

It finally has arrived, the ending to the first chapter in my life. As of today I am a graduate of white plains high school, class of 2012. My summer finally starting to look up, there isn’t much I should be complaining about. There have been ups and downs and a lot of bridges and roads I had to cross and build, but I got there. I suppose there was a bittersweet moment to this all. I have fought through with my parents, been through good and bad relationships, fights with friends, survived drama and prom. I suppose my battle was great and successful. I heard someone in a speech say “change is constant” and it is always happening, it took me a while to figure this out and finally get into my head. I have come to many realizations over the past week and I have come in terms to accept it. Change can be good, and they might hurt at first, but you get over them and enjoy the good that comes later on in life, you turn to better places and find better people.

A friend told me recently, that I needed to stop with the bitter attitude and go back to being the “Mariana he used to know, with the smile and sparkle in her eyes” to him, I just looked dead and miserable, just very different. I was only damaging myself with all this. So I decided that it was best to just let it go, I just focus on myself and that is all, enjoy my summer because it is for me. It hurts sure, I took a sacrifice on my feelings and just hope that I made the logical choice, funny thing is it didn’t feel completed, I was not happy with my choice. I have more obstacles to over come, and my life is not near being done. I was happy while it was around, and this helped me through high school for those two years left, but high school is over, and I think so is this.

Changes, everyone goes through them, and sometimes they go bad, but the good is only near to come. So now I welcome my new life and happiness and everything that it has to offer.

Cheers to class of 2012.

– Mariana Rodriguez

Hello to my new world.

Someday You will be Loved – Death Cab for Cutie.

I once knew a girl
  In the years of my youth
  With eyes like the summer
  All beauty and truth
  In the morning I fled
  Left a note and it read
  Someday you will be loved.
 I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
  Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
  As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
  Someday you will be loved
 You'll be loved you'll be loved
  Like you never have known
  The memories of me
  Will seem more like bad dreams
  Just a series of blurs
  Like I never occurred
  Someday you will be loved
 You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
  And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
  But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
  Someday you will be loved
 You'll be loved you'll be loved
  Like you never have known
  The memories of me
  Will seem more like bad dreams
  Just a series of blurs
  Like I never occurred
  Someday you will be loved
 You'll be loved you'll be loved
  Like you never have known
  The memories of me
  Will seem more like bad dreams
  Just a series of blurs
  Like I never occurred
  Someday you will be loved
  Someday you will be loved

Has to be one of my favorite songs perhaps.

Happy Listening.

Someday You will be Loved – Death Cab for Cutie.

Little Bits of Joys.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012.

So, here I am downstairs painfully sitting in my chair as I let the burn just sink in. I can feel my skin yelling for some kind of salvation, and perhaps in my attempt to exaggerate things it just seems right. After all being a bit ill with a sun burn that covers half your bum, what other rights shall I have? I am supposed to be working on a paper, although missing a large part of it I suppose I will have to put that on a hold. I am able to say however I was quiet content with my new skin coloration, I really needed a day at the beach to forget about my life and just enjoy it with my best friend.

This weekend has sure been eventful for me, in small ways, as I battled my mental nightmares and decided what was right for me and what I shall be doing with my life. It’s still not over though, a small battle has yet to be fought over and I do not know if it will end in fatal tragedy or a victorious win. As I plan for my summer to start already one foot towards the airport to ship my lazy bum to Mexico while the other one is just stuck on the outskirts of school. And then I shall be in my own peace.

I may not have grown up there but it sure feels like my home, as I always say “Home is not a place, but a feeling you carry in you”

Mexico makes me feel at home, I carry my family in my heart, always. I always have the fear (and as some readers may know, the fear of losing someone is something that’s personal to me)  that I might not ever see them again, and I have not spent the sufficient amount with them, selfish of me to just keep to myself like this, but there isn’t much I could do. I am coming at the end of my 17 years of life, and trying to look back at how the year went, I say for a dramatic angst teenager it wasn’t that bad. It sure had it’s ups and downs, but what else can there be to life?
A new goal for miss Marz, Keep a smile on. These past few weeks have been more depressing than ever, and I realized that I didn’t need to be that way while staying up till 4:30 due to my lack of sleeping habits. So here I am trying to enjoy my life as it goes by towards what seems to be near prom and graduation, then three months of me scrambling to find jobs and soak up as much summer before the big 18, where I am now considered an adult and legal to vote,join the military, buy cigs, go clubbing, and in Mexico:  drink. Horrah horray! oh the wonderous little bits of joy I look forward to in life. I must say there is much to see.

So with that I leave my rant, for I can not think of anything more to say.

Happy readings,

Marz

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Adios!

Little Bits of Joys.

I wonder…

image

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had kissed you that summer while we were tumbling,wrestling and laughing in the grass.

We fell down and you landed, your face was right above mine. I wanted to…

It was such an innocent childish thought… but the outcome…

Would it have changed things?
How would you have reacted?
Would you have accepted or embarrassingly turn away and not speak to me again?

I wanted to… it was night and everyone around was laughing and playing, the sound and lights of the carnival in the distant.

I never told anyone about that happening or the wanting.
I didn’t do it though, I
held back, it would have been wrong.

Besides, I am a shy girl… a move like that would have been to bold.

I wonder…