FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

I was told to write about a journey I have taken in life. Although it is safe to say it isn’t over yet and I am still on this journey. Growing and learning from being at your lowest has been the most insightful experiences ever. It showed me my strengths and pushed me into knowing that life gets better when you take the action to make it that way.

20 years old, still in the same fucked up relationship, no school, waitress job at a bar, stuck.

STUCK!

That was my life for months, until I started losing those things one by one: relationship, friends, school, job…

Could I say I was close to addiction? Is that something someone can easily admit to themselves and others?

Addicted to drugs. Addicted to alcohol. Addicted to false affection. Addicted to fading out the world.

Your mind hits the low when you start to think “If I end up here or there, nobody will actually care”

Yea, that was me. I was that person who put those thoughts into my own head. I was lost, from everything.

I had lost my family in ways, playing the rebellious games, I had lost my best friend, because we couldn’t move on from our pasts, I had lost what was meaningful for me.

I felt like a lost dog looking for a home, someone to take me in, show me love, show me trust, allow me to heal.

Summer:

How many nights did I spend drinking to get completely drunk?

Abusing substances: cocaine, MDMA, ketamine, Ritalin, Adderall, pain killers, muscle relaxers, Xanax… ect…

Smoking at least a pack a week.

And at first I did feel like the cool kid, I was this cool girl who was living life with no attachment, with a selfish bitch attitude, I looked after myself and nobody else, because I did not need anybody else, I did not need X (my ex) I did not need my family, I did not need anybody but myself and if I lived only caring for myself then losing others around me meant nothing.

I was that girl that would warn you to stay away, to keep a distance because I would only destroy you, I would just hurt you in the end, I would admit to wasting your time. I was that girl that assumed being a cold hearted blunt bitch was better than being someone with emotions and opening up.

I was superficial. I did not give one single fuck.

That is who I became, I never thought to pause on a moment and look at my family, the damage I was causing. The tears in my mother’s eyes when I would come home coked out and drunk and we would fight. I never thought it would hurt so much to see your family turn their back towards you and give up. When in reality I wanted them to reach out to me and help me and tell me that everything will be alright.

Finding my clothes on the streets in bags, getting locked out every weekend. I felt my abandonment issues and trust issue collide inside me, the need for escape was always a hunger, my walls of defense grow even higher and the distance with friends and family became greater.

 

DEPRESSION

I was depressed, I couldn’t get out of my bed, I would sleep for hours, the thought of interaction was painful and all I wanted to do is be alone. I threw myself into a depression in which I chose the unhealthy way to cope, self destruct. I realized this when I was no longer able to be helpful towards my friends, I would feel like a ghost sitting there staring off into nothing, mind blank.

My mother told me I needed change, I needed to look into therapy.

So I did.

At first I was reluctant, but I knew it was something I needed, I needed a clean slate with someone, to be 100 percent honest with, no judgement and can help me deal with my life situations, someone that could help me soul search for my inner peace, because clearly I was doing a shit job at it.

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FROM THE DARKEST PART, there is a light.

Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

I was told a few months ago that I needed to do some inner soul searching, I lost a dear friend, not in death but in connection, and I really felt it, It spun me into this abyss of unknown. I was lost for so long and used so many things as escapes to help me escape, not sure if escape by try to gain that persons attention, not sure if it was aimed at X or my parents. Things just went south, in life for me everything went wrong, romance, home life, education, I was lost, I was hitting rock bottom, and while at work I played it off like I was happy and I was the best person I could be, I was great at wearing the masks I wore.

I drove my X away, with my crazy antics I know i drove him away, of course he blamed me for things that wasn’t true but I couldn’t help being a child about things, I was crazy,  I acted in ways that wasn’t okay, I realized that when it had hit me that there was nothing I could do to fix anything that had happened between us, I simply had to accept it as part of life. So with that I wrote him a letter, letting him know that I will always love him and I can never hate him, no matter what damage was caused, I could never hate him for anything.

This summer for me was about soul searching and growing up, I got involved with someone from my job that I trusted in ways, ended up sour, but I decided instead of being that crazy bitch I usually turned out to be, just let things go, accept it for what it was and make the amends, its not worth holding on to horrible energy, it is not good for the soul.

I realized that, to my X,  I finally understood, it does take so much energy to hate, and to place all this negativity on someone, and for what?

The only one it will affect is yourself… it is better to let go, breathe, move on and let go.
I finally understand it all now.

I can admit this soul searching journey has led me to all corners of my mind, and I have loved every moment of it. I learned to just accept life for what it is, I have learned to just live and laugh, to let go of everything that was bad, to let go of everything that made me unhappy.

I am grateful for my summer.

This summer was not about me parading about how I am single, how I can do whatever I want, it was about finding out who I am, finding out my happiness, it was about making sure I knew how to keep myself happy.

That is the important thing, before you can dedicate anybody to make you happy, you have to learn how to love yourself and make yourself happy.

So for now I am on a mission to figure myself out, I am looking for things that make me happy, I don’t have time to be looking for connections if I cannot connect with myself, yet the world is unknown, so what happens happens, I am not to say no.

Go with the flow.

HAPPY READINGS

MARZ

Soul Searching mixed with Drunk Rambles

Tainted

Stained red, glassy look, a giggle of a drunken warmth. The glass kept nearly full, atleast more than yours for the moments, the bottle finished on the floor left with nothing but the cork. It was a mission to drain it dry, in my system with it soaking in my blood. My cheeks flushed and my body held awkwardly against the window,what was between you and me and a stupid pillow, and who would of wondered that it’d be the last time of us, ever being us.
It wasn’t real sex, didn’t feel like it, with alcohol involved how can it?, a floppy pose, the lazy slurs, the lust filled smile, just wanted to fuck, and you knew I would do anything if pushed with the right buttons.
You knew so well, it was all meticulously played out.
It didn’t count, it seemed almost petty, you got me drunk so I could fuck you. I felt it, yet I faked it, and more than ever I should have
slept it. My burgandy tainted lips, no longer caring with what they sipped, it might have been better off if I had just stayed away.
All that’s left, is how much it’s all been tainted.

Still confused

Tainted

.Decaying and Expired.

I wish there was some sort of manual written for your life, things would seem safer I suppose, you would be able to avoid the tragic things without the surprises that lurked darkly behind.

In a world of feeling a misfit and out of place, fitting in with life itself never seemed to be such an option. It is just confusing as ever, floating around attempting to keep what is left together. Has been it a struggle? Perhaps in ways, yes and in other ways I can’t be more grateful about it. School, Family, Break ups, the minimal drama at my job… its all been there for me to soak up.

Bored, we all get bored we grow desperate in search of something more, something to satisfy better, something to tame this gluttony for human existence. We lunge with the risks in mind, “But I am here, I am alive and this is who I am now”

I have recently been in the process of figuring out myself, do not get me wrong I know more or less the person I am to others, but there is this thirst for finding inner peace, with my body and soul. I should have gone on this journey a while ago when I had the opportunity.

Everything is so temporary, and yet we hold onto everything as if it was to last forever, things fall into an end, and when you keep pushing it forward, it only becomes more and more stale. Somethings are better left to when they expired, when something is in a process of decay, we can always grow something new from that pile of shit we put ourselves in.

So I must grow.

.Decaying and Expired.

Optional Transitions.

Do we just grow? Or simply transition into a merely new person? Like snakes, shed our old skin to leave behind, transparent and dry.

I start with a question, I suppose our lives are always built on questions, we ask, we seek, we satisfy our curiosity.

I have lost base with myself, the priorities and importance of my own happiness, the endless nights of just aimlessly not sleeping, staying up into a depression as I would attempt to cry myself into sleep. For weeks it was like this, I coward away and made my mistakes that I regretted.

The true beauty of it all though?

I took them in, I admitted my faults, accepted my flaws, took control over how my happiness should be for me; my self content is for me, not to please others, not to change myself for the likes.

I am who I am, and I like who I am, I make my improvements as they come, not for others, not to stay attractive to them, but for me.

I love summer, I suppose it is that time to make the changes, and have fun. The care-free spirit sets in and everything is so light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEW THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t begin to explain anything anymore, the laziness, I have no explanation as to why, and frankly I just do not seem to care.

I start my days just fine, eat well, do something active, I’ve noticed less tummy chub which I am pleased about and I finally am gaining some form of financial substance from my job.

I am just doing what I enjoy, while enjoying the fun that comes through along the way.

Can I be honest?

Half the time I have no idea what the fuck I am doing, but there is something I enjoy about being spontaneous.

Fuck it, it is summer  after all, why stress it?

 

 

Optional Transitions.

Flume & Chet Faker – Drop the Game

So I realize I have not posted much, I am so brain dead that I figured I will simply share my latest obsession of music.

I honestly cannot think of a more beautifully played song with such an incredible video, I think its incredible.
Every time I listen to this song, chills run down my body.
Best way to listen: Grab some headphones, turn it up, close your eyes and soak it in.

Let me know what you think!

Enjoy

Happy Listening.

– M

Flume & Chet Faker – Drop the Game

Growth Spurt

I have so many new blog ideas that come to me randomly, and then when I finally get to them, I end up staring at a blank screen and then clicking that little x at the tab bar. It’s funny how my mind has changed in so many ways, since the last time I took a reflection upon myself. I know my ‘lover’ if he reads this will think “You? Marz? grow up? you’re such a child sometimes”, and yea it is true. I act so immature and childish when we are together, or perhaps it is because even though I have an old soul because I enjoy museums, weird movies and swing music… but he? Probably an ancient soul, our soul ages just are too far apart :p haha.

I suppose I never got to enjoy thoroughly my teen years normally, I had to grow up a bit faster than my other fellow friends. I knew things growing up that most kids at that age wouldn’t even question, like what the human body parts were, my cousin taught me what sex and masturbation was when I was probably about 10 years old, we even had code names for a condom, penis and vagina, and all those other “private parts”.

Although could those new words and knowledge in my mind truly have made me more grown up than others?

Now fast forward to my current lifestyle, I work at a high-end restaurant, our usual costumers range from 30-60 years old, very rarely do we get young adults from 18-30. Surrounded by adults, weather its from staff or our costumers. Working in restaurants has made me see a new perspective on people and life for that matter. Working in general has made me think of how people today get by. In today’s world where jobs are so scarce, it’s really no longer about where you came from, your background or education, it is all about having the specific experience, something that makes you different from the rest yet maintaining that generic mold they want and having a connection of someone “higher”.
Sadly that is how we have to live our lives. My manager always encourages me to “connect” with regulars because you never know who you can meet. For me to really say though that I’ve grown, I suppose I can admit to it. I have learned to speak louder and fight for what I want, not to allow people feel above me or push me around, and to Handle situations in a mature manner.
I know he always tells me I need to grow up, but I’ll just grow up for what will do me well in life, for now he’ll just have to suffer his way through.

Happy readings 🙂

-Marz
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Growth Spurt