.Decaying and Expired.

I wish there was some sort of manual written for your life, things would seem safer I suppose, you would be able to avoid the tragic things without the surprises that lurked darkly behind.

In a world of feeling a misfit and out of place, fitting in with life itself never seemed to be such an option. It is just confusing as ever, floating around attempting to keep what is left together. Has been it a struggle? Perhaps in ways, yes and in other ways I can’t be more grateful about it. School, Family, Break ups, the minimal drama at my job… its all been there for me to soak up.

Bored, we all get bored we grow desperate in search of something more, something to satisfy better, something to tame this gluttony for human existence. We lunge with the risks in mind, “But I am here, I am alive and this is who I am now”

I have recently been in the process of figuring out myself, do not get me wrong I know more or less the person I am to others, but there is this thirst for finding inner peace, with my body and soul. I should have gone on this journey a while ago when I had the opportunity.

Everything is so temporary, and yet we hold onto everything as if it was to last forever, things fall into an end, and when you keep pushing it forward, it only becomes more and more stale. Somethings are better left to when they expired, when something is in a process of decay, we can always grow something new from that pile of shit we put ourselves in.

So I must grow.

Little Bits of Here and There

So its been a while might I say since I have written anything and I really just miss writing.
A lot has changed for me I suppose. I have found a new job which I enjoy and I have met and grown closer to people. Honestly I do not even know where to begin. I changed my hair a little, I’ve accepted very nicely my recent single status, I’m moving away soon out of my house which I cannot wait for, I just have a good feeling about this’ everything In my gut is positive.
I know its been a while since I have last shared my recent rants and rambles of nothingness. I have been occupied, but I suppose being occupied is better than doing nothing at all.
I can always be better, who doesn’t have room for improvement. I can deal with the talks and the judgments, the bad mouthing talks behind my back, what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger… So cliche I know. I can admit I’ve done some horrible things, but that is what makes it different, I can admit, accept, and I can be me. In the end I don’t care what people think or say.
With a new life look ahead and past mistakes to be made up. I believe there is much to look forward to.
I hate feeling like I’m giving up on certain things, but as I have engraved into my head

everything for a reason

Taking the little things too serious, leaving no time to stop and not over think things… I have for sure given my mind a break to be dumb and numb.
Its been a good world, and change and growth came with it all.
I feel happy, relaxed, relieved, empowered and at peace.

Games, Torments and Positive Thoughts.

Everything is a game.

A wise move, and then the next is played.

There are no winners, because we always end up losing something, sacrificing, or just letting go.

I tend to ponder upon what my next moves are, it is an idea haunting me at any hour of my days.

I can sit in one place and suddenly BAM it hits me… the thoughts come flushing through me.

My love life, My work life, My home life.

The many lives we come to live all at once to balance in this endless dance of unknown motion.

The personal knick-knacks that seem to hang on a swinging hinge.

Although it has yet to hit me.

No sudden realization, there is no “AH-HA” moment for me.

Yet… is a positive attitude the blinding reason to things?

When someone has lived for so long seeing only good in life and people, it makes it hard to change that view point, even if life and people have not been so kind in return.

I find any excuse of a chance to see the positive.

So when do the games end, and what more will I have to sacrifice, lose, and let go of in order to achieve a sense of reality and life.

An accomplishment can only satisfy for so long, until a craving rises again.

 

Sweet and Juicy… Lemons.

In a pretentious mood, and everything is just spinning. And yet I lay just grasping my head hoping to find a release. I need a break from everything and everyone, from that person. I can’t help but to feel always tense and aggravated, so I pick fights and rebel. Perhaps that is why I do what I do, because it is my small escape, it is a little rush of danger that sends me pleasure, because for those few hours I think of nothing, I am in my own world of energy. Masking my emotions out of pure fear, how weak can that be? Or am I just trying to drive him to the point where I no longer become an option in his life, but perhaps more a fail in the past only to sprout into something a little less, well intimate. Becoming to predictable in a world of vast variety and eternal suspense, how lame can that get?
I have lost the will power to even make friends that I can care for, why?
I already have those that I care for, why do I need more? Or am I that superficial and fake, that shallow and just a bitch for thinking all that? Maybe I am just that super socially awkward person who makes friends with other socially awkward people.
I can’t deal with people anymore, this isn’t some summer heat shit.  I need an explosion, some fire works, a new face. Just something out of the boring old routine, and nobody was going to help me then I suppose I would just have to help my self in that aspect. I can’t say that I am not happy, but perhaps because I have everything I just seem to be craving something different, something new, although figuring out what that may be is what is causing some havoc.
In terms of where I have been in my love life? Well fine thanks for asking? Although to begin with nobody really cares, after all we are all adults here right. It isn’t after all anyones business who I see, fuck or love. That is for me to find out and my mind to hold onto. I am no sinner after all, I just enjoy my life offerings, and if life offers you lemons than make some sweet juicy lemonade.  I am no longer quenched in my overly satisfying life. Simply just being greedy and goutiness in search for more. I have you, you are mine, only mine, possession = Greed.
Loca estoy yo? Alamejor si, alamejor ya me pego la rinda de hacer latina, la sangre intenso que corre por mis venas.  Y no hay nada para controlarme, solo dar el seguro que no haria nada de estupidades. Nothing spontaneous, you know? Just live it all on the safe side. Where the fall is only two feet and people can’t push you far. Vivendo la vida en una cueva, como un cangrejo o una tortuga. Viendo peliculas en el Netflix. Maybe that is why he let me use his netflix, to keep me occupied in my little shell knowing  I won’t really do anything wrong. Just a thought… random thought.

                                                                                       Blah blah blah blah blah

Ya lo sabes, y yo le se.

Anyways, I should probably check on my life again.

Happy readings

– Turtle Girl.

What Makes Me Attractive?

It is finally getting closer and closer to that summer time, where people start to realize that all their hibernating fat has to be gone and getting in shape seems to be a priority. More exposed clothing is out and sun dresses and short shorts are finally being taken out and dusted off.  And I have yet to move out all my winter stuff… Spring cleaning? I think yes.

Me getting in shape? I thought I would never see the day when I will actually push myself to go to a gym, and now the only thing i picture in my head is the person I wish to be. Thinner, toned up, flatter tummy, you know, girl stuff.

I just can’t help to wonder though, to what I look like right now, and how I dress and act… why am I even attractive? Like what is it that people (or guys) see in me for that manner? I am far from being all girly, I love to look like a bum in slouchy old clothes, I hate dressing up unless it is necessary, I don’t really think of myself as a “sexy” kind of person. I suppose cute, sure but cute is cute; like “AWWW what a cute little dog!” nobody calls a dog sexy, cute is so child like. I always hated showing cleavage, non-the less I hate my own bust size, they’re the one thing that I have never liked because I just don’t feel like they fit my persona, they seem to be just TOO BIG, and then there is shy little me.

I don’t like wearing makeup, again unless I really have to and I hate designer clothes and brands (hey! at least ill save my guy some money right?) and I never really care what I eat or how. I love rough housing around, jumping, rolling in grass and being adventurous and just stupid and silly, that is who I am, but isn’t there a point where its just not considered… well Female? Lady-like?

So really, what makes me attractive? If I seem more like a dude, and less like a chick.

What do they even see in me?

Sometimes I feel like, I am not enough (and I know, someone should never feel that way about themselves), but I just don’t. I just don’t look the part. You take one look at me and your just like “damn, you are one big mess, messy hair, messy clothes” I am a mess! I suppose I just don’t care (Don’t worry though I do care about my hygiene. Although seriously!!

DO GUYS EVEN LIKE THAT?

I am who I am, and I can’t change that, I won’t change that.

I just feel like sometimes “they” are embarrassed to be seen around me, knowing there are other girls who dress well, always look their finest, show off their “curves”, just always look like models. Then curiosity is induced, and paranoia starts to weave in and my brain starts to panic “does he look at other girls? I mean he is a guy, but does he wish I dressed like that sometimes? He could have someone prettier, I know for sure, they would probably look better together, everyone would stare at them in admiration”

So why do “they” just accept me?

What do they see in me?

What makes me attractive?

 

Comment/Like/Follow.

Happy Readings 🙂

– Marz

Turtle Trouble.

oh!

hello

bestfriends forever!

:<

😀

Hide and Seek

noms

So this is Vincent Apollo,  

(Vincent Apollo Rodriguez Broom, is actually his full name)

He is a cool little guy, makes me smile. 

Keeps me company and makes me happy. So yea I would say I have pretty cool pet. 

Likes to swim and sit on his rock, and eat. 

I would say I am pretty lucky.

Anyways Random post is done!

Enjoy life.

 

Hallmarks, Rants and Patheticness.

I am allowed to be in a rant right? Nobody ever said that was not allowed. After all this is my blog, and I think I can freely express myself as I please to do. So… where have I been in my own life? Well there are my days where I stop and think “Marz, what in the hell are you doing with yourself?” And the sad part is, I can not answer to that properly because truthfully I do not even know. What human actually enjoys being put through endless loops and routines?

I don’t like to think that I am selfish or anything, but I just feel like it is time that I deserve something, after everything… no that is horrible of me to say. I think I just deserve some respect and each time I feel like I lose more and more dignity in myself. There is a battle that I seek, a fight. You know, someone to fight for you and have that fear. Cliche? And as this dreaded hallmark holiday draws closer, I cannot help to feel even more un-wanted. I lied, I cannot say that I am not wanted, because I am, although not for the reasons that I wish to be. The want that I seek, well *sigh*…

I can’t, anyways should I just continue ranting about my lack of trust in people, the lonesome feelings, wah wah wah, who called in the WAHmbulence….

Pathetic, I am a pathetic teenage human.

I always like to keep in mind though:

That I am special, and someone grand deserves me… someone with so much love in themselves is going to find me and share that with me. And they will be afraid to lose me, and they will protect and care, and I shall do the same in return.

Oh what a cliche,

anyways.

Who will be my valentines this year? I suppose I can share that after.

Happy Single Awareness day, I mean Valentines day 🙂